Autumn Sky Smiling

2007-07-25T23:34:00.000-05:00

Have you ever looked at your life and wondered at the abundance of goodness God has lavished and just continues to lavish?

I know that sentence is redundant.

I will be starting a new life of being one with a man in less than six weeks. And not just any man; not the first to come along; not the last resort; not a mediocre, "he will suffice" man... but a man hand-picked by the Sovereign God of the universe. The man I was designed for by a Creator with infinite wisdom. Derek is truly my heart, mind, body, and spirit mate: my soul mate. I love him with a depth and tenderness and fierceness and loyalty that I can't even put words to adequately except maybe to say that among the people of this earth, I am entirely his and no other's.

September 1st, 2007 will be the day of the gladness of my heart. Praise God.

2007-05-25T05:08:00.000-05:00

This blog seems to be coming to an end. Or at least a dormancy. Almost 2 1/2 years!

Derek and I have placed an offer on a house; we may hear back today if they've accepted it or not. I have the day off work (as well as Monday), and am so grateful for a long weekend. As I write, Derek is in his apartment in Lowell, sleeping finally after a 20-hour stretch of night shift at the hospital, then helping his friend roof a house during the day. The roof was an exit north of my house, so he came by afterward to say hello before going home to crash.

I was out for a run, and rounded the corner to see his car looking for me. I hope I am always so glad to see him coming home. I want to choose to be. We raced back to the house (he took the long way). It was a close finish. :)

I am still amazed to see the man I prayed for standing in front of me. The more we know each other, the more we see how perfectly we are made for one another; the more I wonder how much there is to discover.

In an hour I will leave and go make breakfast either with him or for him if he's still sleeping. Then we are heading to the ocean. The forecast is in the mid-90's: perfect for cold New England waters. The afternoon's business: registering for our shower/wedding gifts; getting wedding bands; looking at suits. Tonight I am going to a women's fellowship teaching on Titus 2. My friend Jenn is sharing the message - calling the older women to teach the younger; the younger to be teachable by the older. We are almost all both older and younger in relations to someone.

It comes at a neat time because I have just recently begun meeting with a foursome of two older women and myself with another girl my age (she is married with a baby); on the other side, God has brought two younger girls that I'll be meeting with soon. Jan and Jenn are teaching Rachel and I about being godly wives; I will be teaching my girls about being a godly single woman.

God is so gracious. We cry out to God with our voices - to God with our voices. And He gives ear to us. (psalm 77:1)

2007-04-10T22:11:00.000-05:00

Wandering thoughts inspired by O'Brien's commentary on Ephesians...

He writes of marriage as a pledge of God's purposes for the unity of the cosmos...

pledge: n. something delivered as security for the fulfillment of a promise...

Marriage as God's visible promise to us of how He will unite the two realms - heavenlies and earthly things (Christ and Church; husband and wife)

So we look at marriage and see how God intends to unite all in Himself...

marriage: premonition (?) ...foresight... insight... into this coming unity in the end

marriage: coming unity as Jonah in the fish: Jesus' death and resurrection

Any thoughts on this?

what is the application of this?

Wedding Plans

2007-03-25T05:49:00.000-05:00

So WOW - it has been a busy recent! Thankfully, wedding arrangements are coming together well and are almost complete (at least the major things). Our wedding day will be a neat example of the church truly working as a body - so many of the brethren have offered their gifts and time.

We're having the ceremony at a larger church so that everyone who would like to come, may. AND it sweetly has a center-aisle; I wouldn't have objected to a side one, obviously, but I like that it will be traditional this way. Just a bonus.

My grandmother (mom's mom) is going to make my dress. I brought her the pattern yesterday when we went to visit, and she is really glad to have a part this way. I'm excited, too - it will be special. We'll start that process at the end of May. It's so good to have family and friends involved in the details! So joyful.

A friend from church will make the cake for us (her husband volunteered her. :) I'll ask her about it today.

Beautifully simple and elegant is the feel we're going for. Nothing extravagant or distracting.

My mom will take the photographs, and we'll hire an assistant for her (possibly a student from the Art Institute) . I'm excited to have her be there for those moments - and also because I am completely comfortable with her. And she is a really beautiful photographer.

Wayne will hopefully drive us in his antique car. He hasn't found out yet if work will want to send him on assignment then, or if he will be home. I pray he is home. I can't imagine him not being at my wedding. The Lord's will be done.

Bridal Party...
My bridesmaids: Karissa is my Maid of Honor (yay!); Derek's two sisters: Sarah (20) and Nicole (25); sister-in-law Jessica (31); my two sisters Hannah (14) and Kari-Lynn (23).
Groomsmen: Derek's brother Jon is his best man (Jessica's husband); our good friend from church Evan (28?); my brother Heath (25); D's cousing Mike (30-something); friend from growing up Billy (25); and possibly cousin Matty (30-something).

We're having fun arranging seating plans - the goal is to mingle both families, as well as believers and unbelievers. We're not serving alcohol because we both have family members that will get out of control, so we want to take the opportunity to have a party that's fun without having to be drinking. Derek and I can easily dance without any intoxication - and we have friends and family that dance feely, too - so hopefully those that would normally need a relaxant will let their guards down and be silly without it.

D's cousin Mike is having one of his guys DJ for us - and he'll step in himself just because he loves doing it. I'm so looking forward to hearing the fun stories and whatever words shared from our guests. We'll probably watch the video years down the road and laugh our heads off. :)

We've booked a hall. Originally we were going to rent an Elk's Club function room and coordinate the food and servers and linen/table setting rentals... but I was frazzled and totally stressing about it, so we decided it would be worth the extra money to not have to worry about it at all. So the hall is taking care of all that, and the charge is far below the others we'd looked at.

So really what's left is to find bridesmaids' dresses, make invitations, register for house stuff, figure out centerpieces for the tables... Finish the seating plan (as much as it can be finished until everyone RSVP's). Plan and book our honeymoon. And find a home. That is a fun process. We were supposed to go look at a handful yesterday with our realator, but she had a death in the family. So we'll go next Saturday. We have a list to look at that are in the area, in our price range, and have the basics we're looking for. The Lord will provide exactly what we need. So we're having fun discovering what that is.

I'm marrying a sweetheart - sometimes I just can't even believe I get to marry him. :) It's so good. Thank You, Lord.

I'm Getting Married! :D

2007-03-11T00:27:00.000-05:00

We went for a hike in the White Mountains today. At the end of the trail I stood enjoying the view of snowy peaks beyond the frozen pond we had walked out onto. Derek was behind me, and whispered, "Amanda B____;" I turned around, and he was on his knees.

We're looking at the last weekend in August or first of September. Can you even believe it? What a gift to my heart and life. I can only grin and thank my Father who has provided beyond what I ever could have asked or hoped for in giving me my Derek. Amazing grace; amazing Love. :)

Amazing God.

2007-02-25T06:49:00.000-05:00

a moment's passing recollections and reflections before I get dressed for church...

Hannie and Wen left early this morning for their annual week of skiing vacation -- Han and I bundled up and packed their equipment and bags and coolers into the back of the car before they left. It will be a quiet week without them - a respite at first, and then Marge and I will miss the joking and laughing. It will be a week of intentionally spending more time with Marge so she doesn't get too lonely. Likely Derek will come make dinner with us - he is good at teasing the same way Wendy is, and Marge needs that.

I've been journalling with pen and notebook for the past few months moreso than typing - at some point I hope to share excerpts - notebooks travel far easier than this ol' computer, and so I haven't used it much.

I'm working full time for the podiatrist I interned with now. I love it - our patients are dear to my heart, and truly I enjoy the two doctors and the other office women. God is using me there, subtly and slowly, and I am praying for moved hearts. The chief doctor is Catholic - admittedly ritualistically so (there is little reverence, save for the clergy (none evident for God Himself); no loving worship). Annette and Stacy are Catholic, as well. Betty, I'm not sure of. We have a couple believing patients that I know of.

My mom is coming to meet my new church family on March 11th. God continues to break her down, gently and lovingly. I'm so thankful to be there to love her through it and speak of His goodness.

Derek and I have a shared heart for our families - the Lord has just been so GOOD in this.

We both are being refined and refined - purified separately and together. God is so patient and merciful in picking us back up and strengthening us to start again. I always wondered what it would be like to have a partner in the walk... encouraging and challenging each other; praying and studying and sharing together -- WOW; and it's not even daily, yet.

Wayne continues in Saudi. Two more months. I am missing him. Much love from other people, and "parents" who've adopted D and I at our church, but I miss my Dad. He is being used there, though. Pretty awesome testimonies.

Perhaps more later...

2007-01-14T16:05:00.000-05:00

Being at my faithful home church was emotional for me today. I had planned on going to Calvary with Derek, and halfway there realized I needed to be with my family. So I drove the rest of the way to let D know I wouldn't be staying and then headed to Faith.

I realized today that I am at a crossroads and to follow God is to lay my life down and follow Derek. Not this instant; we are not married. But it is coming, and as I worshiped my God with praise and thanksgiving, part of me mourned the life I will lay down.

So today I treasured my time with those who have raised me in the faith. And yet as I stood to sing, I missed the voice I now love singing beside me. I suddenly understood: my belonging has become elsewhere. That is, where he is, I belong there with him.

2007-01-10T22:49:00.000-05:00

This is such a neat moment in life: watching things come together. All those pieces that hadn't yet been all present now make themselves known; how they fit is preciously designed by my loving Father.

I've been offered and accepted a position at the podiatric practice where I'm interning. So now I'll be paid for the hours of training and the additional hours of the work week. Job: check. I am loving and am loved by a humble, God-centered man with a beautiful heart who has just enriched my life more than I can even say. He is so much fun and so much goodness. He is a prayer and study partner; a consistent strength; a vessel of grace and truth. Man: check. hahaha. That's just funny to write. If God wills that our paths continue as they are, we'll probably get married this spring or summer. Crazy goodness.

Those are the two biggest pieces, I guess. Others still in the coming-together process. I'm simply enjoying every day and taking it one at a time. As ever, God is good and faithful and has provided abundantly. I am so grateful, and just in awe. And smiling lots. :)

2006-12-19T20:49:00.000-05:00

Today's hours found my mom and I together in the kitchen, baking cookies and making soups which we enjoyed ourselves and then brought to my aunt Sara this evening. She gave birth to Morgan almost three weeks ago... what a precious little girl. I held her, asleep and peaceful except for a few little grunts and stretches and murmurs; stood up to rock her when she woke for a moment and her face crinkled up with the beginnings of a cry. She lulled back into slumber as I sang quietly words of grace... prayers over a tiny life in the care of two unbelievers.

I see in my mom evidence of the Lord working. It seems this coming year will see her back in her Father's house and worshipping. There are so many pieces that fit into God's dealings with us... She asked how Derek and I relate spiritually -- do we pray together? What does that look like? And we're studying Ephesians together - what is Ephesians about? She has asked for my discipleship books - to study the essential doctrines of the faith. It is interesting... this time she is seeking God while her life is "together" - rather than looking for a way to fix things.

Sweet manifestations of God's immeasurable goodness.

2006-12-18T07:06:00.000-05:00

I never would have dreamed that this year's Christmas season could be so "other" from last year's.

Funny that the hardest year should be followed by the sweetest.

I watched the Nativity movie a couple of weeks ago and met my Savior again as I watched. One of the wisemen in the film is depicted as a skeptic who travels the whole way nay-saying and mocking and disbelieving, then sees the three stars align in the sky according to the prophecy. They follow the new brightness to the place where Mary lay holding this Son of God that they'd read about in the old scrolls. Seeing the babe, realizing he was so very wrong and that this IS the newborn King, the wiseman bows before him with the most trembling of all the worshippers.

This is our God. Wow.

I am becoming part of a second church family and coming to love so many new brothers and sisters. Every other week I go with Derek and on the opposite he comes to my family after his first service (there is a man named John who is autistic that D takes care of Sunday mornings).

I am so enjoying this season of our relationship - of being past nervousness and self-consciousness and just enjoying who each other is. I love seeing Jesus in him - to know who he was just five years ago and then watch the man I see today... I'm blown away by the grace of God. And I wish you could meet him. :)

First and foremost, he loves the Lord with all his heart, mind, soul, and strength. More today than yesterday, more tomorrow than today... He loves people and relates so well. The Lord has given him a remarkable sensitivity to where people are and how they're feeling, and he uses it to meet them right there and minister to their heart. I don't know how else to word it. It has been a joy watching him meet my families:

Here, joking around with Wendy, bringing out Marge's playfulness [and checking on her as she went through treatment for her foot], singing with Hannah and drawing out her beauty... With my brother, seeing past the edge and putting him at ease, relating to his isolation and inviting him out [he wasn't interested in many invitations, but he DOES want to go sledding with us :) ] , Derek just is who he is - he's real and honest... my brother respects that. I am excited to see how God will use him with Heath.

My mom loves him, but she hasn't verbally shared why beyond saying that he's nice and "so cute."

He hasn't met my dad and Barb, yet. But we will because - this is funny - his friend Tyler invited us to go line dancing with him a month ago or so. We haven't been able to, yet. But come to find out, Tyler (who is from Mass) line dances in NH at the same place as my dad and Barb. So when D and I go with him, Dad and Barb will go with us, too!

I was so thankful - Karissa was able to spend an evening with him when she came to visit. The three of us had dinner at my mom's with her and Rich. Tenderness. That is what she noticed most. "He's just so tender with you." That night, tenderness was what I needed. It was exhausting for me, and Karissa and D gave me so much strength.

Anyway, he is quality and so much fun. A story-teller and entertainer. He's a magnet for kids and can't wait to be a dad - and he'll be an awesome one, relying on grace. His heart overflows, and you can't help joining him in the song. AND.... he loves to dance. That just makes me smile.

Yesterday, driving home from church, he asked me for Wayne and Pastor's phone numbers. I left them on his voicemail when I got home, and when I saw both at the Christmas Cantata in the evening, they said they'd received calls and had dates set up to meet him. That is his leadership and initiative.

I guess the man who is my brother and was an acquaintance and became a friend may soon become more than a friend. Gladly, it is in God's perfect timing, which I am learning to wait joyfully in... to be like a child at advent who truly enjoys opening the window every day and savoring what is there... building up to Christmas Day, but not rushing past all the days in between.

God is so good. Here is just another manifestation of it. A very sweet manifestation. I can only say Thank You. He is another of so many undeserved gifts from my beautiful Father. Wow.

Ahh... (as in, "Oh, I see")

2006-12-03T22:35:00.000-05:00

Oswald Chambers hits home again.

It is a snare to imagine that God wants to make us perfect specimes of what He can do; God's purpose is to make us one with Himself...If you go off on this idea of personal holiness, the dead-set of your life will not be for God, but for what you call the manifestation of God in your life...

The thing that tells for God is not your relevant consistency to an idea of what a saint should be, but your real vital relation to Jesus Christ, and your abandonment to Him whether you are well or ill. Christian perfection is not, and never can be, human perfection. Christian perfection is the perfection of a relationship to God which shows itself amid the irrelevancies of human life...

I am called to live in perfect relation to God so that my life produces a longing after God in other lives, not admiration for myself. Thoughts about myself hinder my usefulness to God. God is not after perfecting me to be a specimen in His showroom; He is getting me to the place where He can use me. Let Him do what He likes.

I begin my internship tomorrow at a podiatric practice. I get to be like Jesus and wash people's feet. :) This shall be my verse as I work clinically below what I am able with unbelieving doctors and staff and patients: "Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse geneation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life..."

Verses that strengthened me last night as I went to God with so many questions and searching for Security:

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen.

"Your word is sweet nourishment to my soul, Father. I am comforted and given peace. Your grace flows from Your Word to me. Thank you." (my journal)

Your testimonies are my delight and my counselors.

My soul melts from heaviness; strengthen me according to Your word.

Let Your mercies come also to me, O Lord -
Your sanctification acccording to Your word.
So shall I have an answer for him who reproaches me,
For I trust in Your word.

And I will walk at liberty,
For I seek Your precepts.

You are my hiding place and my shield,
I hope in Your word.

Uphold me according to Your Word, that I may life,
And do not let me be ashamed of my hope.

I rejoice at Your word
As one who finds great treasure.

"God's road to marriage stays on the high ground between the two extremes (lawlessness and legalism). It doesn't abandon the Bible's principles and commands, but neither does it resort to formulas." (Boy Meets Girl, Joshua Harris)

journal:

"I was so stressed this afternoon/evening. But Lord, remind me that I live for You alone. You have brought D into my life at this moment. Why would I try to write him out? Why stress about what's coming? You will take my heart where it needs to go to meet his. You will heal and teach and lead in Your perfect timing. Father, I choose to enjoy each step of the way.

I'm sick of analyzing everything about myself. I just want to enjoy BEING. Life is so good - God is so good. HE loves me unconditionally. That should be my foundation and my security. I'm feeling more insecure by spending so much time focusing on my state and my parents influence. When I focus on knowing the Lord, then I am strong and sturdy."

Today was a really great day. I'll have to blog about it sometime.

Unconditional Love. I don't get it.

2006-12-02T06:40:00.000-05:00

I thought I did. And in my mind, I do. But when it comes to living it out every day, I still don't get it. Or, I still can't accept it. I want to. I want to understand and enjoy being loved. I want to let go of 22 years of baggage from living with people whose love was conditional. I've lived just about a year in a home of truly unconditional love. I want to be reprogrammed already. I want a renewed mind and a clean heart and a right spirit... Yet here I am, still struggling with the same issues.

Still translating simple love into complicated messages of "you're not enough." And it's all me. I know it's my sin. I recognize it. I acknowledge it. Truly, it eats at me and I loathe it. I ask for grace to be changed. I feel powerless - it seems to be something that only grace will change. How long, O Lord?

Hm. Perhaps that is the psalm of my heart. How long, O Lord, will You forget me? How long will You look the other way and let me stand here broken? Look on me and answer, Father. Please. Bring light to my darkness before I fall. In this, I feel dark. I just don't know how. Am I trying too hard? Am I not relying on You? Am I not trusting? Grace my heart to be able to pray sincerely, "But I trust in Your unfailing love. You have been good and You will be good to me. In this as in all else in my life til now." You have been good. I know it. I know Your love is unfailing and unconditional. I know I'm not good enough, and that You love me anyway. I know I'm not enough and Wendy loves me anyway. I know it, yet I doubt it every day. Help my unbelief.

Because now there is this man in my life, wanting to grow to love me, and I am at a place of not being able to truly let him. So then what? As strong as he is, that's too much to ask of him. I'm too broken. Heal me, Father. I want to joyfully receive his love and be able to fully give of myself - without insecurity and fear and doubting.

Lead me in Your truth and teach me. Pour out Your grace upon me. Transform me, God. Change my heart, O God. Make it new. Wash me in the Blood and give me Life, that I may live free from these chains. I ask in faith, in the name of Jesus. Hear my heart and answer, I pray. Amen.

I Have an Externship!!! Yay!!!

2006-11-22T09:05:00.001-05:00

I was offered an externship yesterday morning, and today I accepted it. On the last day of the last mod. I'm so not surprised. :)

It's an interesting situation... One of my instructors called a podiatrist who hasn't accepted externs from the school for over a year. She convinced him to give another chance, and has asked me to "redeem the school." I ended the conversation saying I would pray about it and talk to Wendy and let her know today.

So for the next couple of months I will be getting very familiar with feet. :) I am told the doctor loves to teach, which is sweet music to my ears, since I want to learn as much as possible. The office manager is a former student of the instructor who referred me; she began at the office as a Medical Assisting extern. I hope she, too, will take me under her wing.

I am just so grateful. God provides again.

A cord of three

2006-11-17T12:36:00.000-05:00

My friend Karissa is coming to visit for a few days in two weeks. I was thinking of things we could do while she's here, and then I thought, "Why not just join in the ministry God has given me?" So we'll be ministering to my family together, and I'm so excited. She will find so much joy in that, as will my fam and myself! She arrives Wednesday mid-morning (but it will feel like early morning to her). First stop: coffee and breakfast and lots of catching up. Then we'll decide what we feel like making for dinner and get whatever groceries. We're cooking for Heath and hanging out with him for the evening. If we leave in time, we can go to prayer meeting. Or we can stay with Heath. However God leads.

Thursday my aunt Sarah is having a C-section, so we'll go visit her and my uncle Pete and the new baby Morgan and whomever else is up visiting. Thursday night we'll help my mom make dinner and then spend the evening with her and Rich (her boyfriend). He is "wanting to expand spiritually" - I don't know if that will come up while we're there, but we can love them.

Friday a.m. is Ladies' Bible study - I'm so glad Karissa will meet these women. They are so dear; and that they will meet her. She is also so dear. :) I meet Fridays (when we're both available)with Doreen for discipleship - Karissa will join us. yay. Then Friday night is a Bible study at Derek's brother and sister-in-law's home in Mass. We may go out to dinner with him and his friend Evan beforehand. That'd be fun.

She leaves early Saturday morning. Of course, all is subject to change (as life always is, and usually does), but that's an outline of possibility.

Friends are so good. Such gifts, each one of them.

2006-11-13T12:38:00.000-05:00

Wendy comes home today from India! It has been a long ten days without her or Hannah (she stayed at a friend's house for the week).

I am so blessed to have so many loved ones in my life.

and so it is

2006-11-07T01:04:00.000-05:00

Today I purchased my first grown-up outfit. I'm going to a job fair for healthcare professionals tomorrow. I admit, as I tried on variations of black pumps, I felt as though I crossed a threshhold. This was far more of a milestone than turning 21, or 23 for that matter. As I chatted with the cashier, I couldn't help but divulge the surprising hugeness: "This is my first pair of high-heeled shoes. I mean, not first high-heels, but first REAL, WOMAN shoes." :)

I visited the Monday night deli crew for the first time as a non-employee. Craig, Jason, George, and Mario. And Ben, but he's not in the deli. I love these guys. SO much. We had spent every (just about) Monday night together in the craziness of Monday-night-grocery-shopping-madness (why does everyone go on monday?) for over a year. They are my boys. My brothers. They love me just the way I am. Friends like that are priceless. And so I am reinvigorated by having spent time with them this evening.

Derek is the new friend I wrote about last time I blogged. It was funny - we watched a movie the other night and were totally laughing at completely different parts, and none of the same ones, except for the very last scene. Wednesday we're going for Indian with his friend Evan, and then all to a homegroup - a Bible study/fellowship thing.

I'm glad medical assistants wear scrubs; I couldn't wear grown-up shoes everyday.

I am in the process of finding an externship for the beginning of December.

The coffeeshop is awesome - relationships beginning to sweeten with regulars and another Jason whom I work with every Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday.

Heath and I played cards the other night - we're both terrible and completely went hysterical laughing at ourselves and each other. part of me wonders what the alcohol is doing to his brain, though. He seems to react (even sober) way more slowly than I remember. Damage is done. It's sad.

I need to go to bed. There's a little bit of what's happening lately.

2006-10-31T14:26:00.000-05:00

So I have a new friend - or rather, a new aquaintance who is a brother in Christ who may become a friend. This is the stage of relating that I truly don't care for. I like being comfortable with people; knowing that they are trustworthy and trusting them; being known. I like when my quirks are expected and welcomed. Right now they're surprising, albeit seemingly endearing. ??? Then, I respond to his the same way. And it's fun, actually. So perhaps discovering my quirkiness is fun for him... If not, well, I guess we'll remain aquaintances. :)

Selah.

2006-10-22T07:36:00.000-05:00

The writer's voice is quiet again of late - not suppressed or wearied, just quiet. Waiting. Many questions unanswered, doors unopened... I learn the intimacy of my Lord in His silence; a gift Oswald Chambers makes me aware of, deeper than the constant answers God has been faithful to give in the past when I required them of Him. Now I wait, glad to know His fellowship, if not the working of His hands.

My dad in Christ, that is Wayne, has a myeloproliferative disorder: his bone marrow is producing too many white blood cells. It may or may not be leukemia - we await test results to possibly rule that out. The thought of losing him is obviously not a pleasant one; but I pray should that day come soon (or later, really) that my heart will rejoice as he is finally free and in perfect communion with Christ in heaven. How could I wish to hold him back for my own comfort? Knowing he is with God forevermore should be a far greater comfort to me than having him here. Likewise with all those I love.

My brother Heath and I grow closer to each other - such a joy to my heart! Oh, that God's Spirit would open his eyes and break his heart and, having humbled him, exalt him in Christ! Fervently pray I for his soul; expectantly, I hope for God's glory.

Shadow of the Almighty

2006-10-11T20:48:00.000-05:00

"Is it not, for all its sting, a wonderful way to live, Betty? To dream, and want and pray, almost savagely; then to commit and wait and see Him quietly pile all dreams aside and replace them with what we could not dream, the realized Will?"(Jim Elliot in a letter to Elisabeth)

She writes of him in the epilogue of his biography:

"Jim left for me, in memory, and for us all, in these letters and diaries, the testimony of a man who sought nothing but the will of God, who prayed that his life would be 'an exhibit to the value of knowing God.'"

happenings...

2006-10-01T21:30:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is "Employee Appreciation Day" at the coffeeshop. The store will be closed; we're going paintballing! :) This will be a first for me. My only weaponry experience is grasshopper hunting with a bb gun revolver (a favorite summer pass-time of my brother's and mine in our earlier years...).

I had dinner with my mom, brother, and mom's boyfriend tonight. Heath and I had a good talk on the drive home - there were questions I had never asked that God gave opportunity for, and though there weren't clear answers, there is clearly thinking going on. Please pray for him. He's also in a transition right now; he is looking for a new job and seeing the state of his life as it is - "I don't get lonely... I get drunk..." but not wanting to be with people who aren't living the same lifestyle... and yet enjoying my company (that's such grace right there) ... not refusing to be loved... I think it's all new for him. New to have someone want to care about him and listen and encourage and meet him where he's at. God meets us where we're at. That has been a theme of late... I just love my brother. As Wendy reminded me tonight, it's huge that we are even at the point that we're at now - that we are glad to spend time together - when we used to not be able to stand each other and always end up butting heads. God is working. I will be patient as He is patient and fight for my family in prayer. Thy will be done, Father.

Tomorrow I will turn twenty-three. More thoughts on that when we come to it.

Beginning to delight in being delightful

2006-09-28T08:34:00.000-05:00

currently listening: a CD a deli customer gave me when I asked what he was listening to (I had to keep repeating myself because he was ordering meat with ear plugs in :) ). He frowned as he tried to think of how to describe it, then said, "You wouldn't understand..." I asked further questions, and he said, "Well, you know what? How 'bout this..." and he took the cd out of his player and put it on the countertop. "Cool! Thanks, man!" I thought that was so awesome - I love sharing things like that. I have something neat; here, you experience it. It's techno/electronica... brings to mind the chase scenes in futuristic action movies like "The Bourne Identity" or that Tom Cruise movie where they foresaw crimes and then arrested the assaulter before the crime was committed. I bet Blue Man Group uses music like this.

Some breakthroughs this week: #1. Tuesday night Wayne came to visit me at the deli, and as we hugged he said, "How's the 'light of my life' today?" and I just paused and said, "huh.... I'm good!"(I know, "well" is grammatically proper. :) ) That struck to my core - to be so loved! It is amazing - the instant connection that Wayne's love is to my God's love for me. I'm not a constant disappointment to Him; I'm a delight! Again, another box I've put God in revealed... I am glad to shatter that one. He is not like my earthly father in the way he sees me. He does see beauty and delight and a daughter to be cherished. Wayne's love for me is a reflection of His, and it is so powerful.

#2. This breakthrough came through a letter of Jim Elliot's excerpted in "Shadow of the Almighty." I have been talking to Wendy a lot about being intimidated and not knowing how to share myself with people. And of always feeling like I'm not doing enough; I'm not saying the right things, etc. It's only in certain situations and with certain "types" of people, but it has been hindering. We've been working through figuring out where the insecurity is and how to overcome. And I read this:

"One of my renaissance experiences was to get among kids who were on a different spiritual level than my own, and enjoy fellowship with them. I found a very subtle snare in so doing. I sought their fellowship in order that I might minister to them, 'be a help,' you know, to these 'weaker' ones. What a rebuke came when I sensed my real motive - that I might minister. Love hacks right at this, for she refused to parade herself. I learned to recognize no 'spiritual planes,' but simply to love, purely, in every group. Trying to 'be a help' even has a smell of good works in it, for it is not pure. Our motive is only to be - do nothing, know nothing, act nothing - just to be a sinful bit of flesh, born of a Father's love. Then you see, Beloved, there can be no defeat.

'If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same...'

So whether knowledge tends to swell me up, or the despair of the flesh would make me shrivel up, the love of Christ 'holds me together.' Any little occasion then has meaning, if only I can love while it lasts." (from Shadow of the Almighty, Elisabeth Elliot)

The people I have sought to 'be a help' to are not other believers, rather the unbelievers at work and in my family. Where I've tried so hard to know what to say to them and to figure out what exactly they need from me in order to best see Christ in me. Ha! So misguided I have been! I need only to be, to love! To be a present lump of sinful dust... and love. It is so simple; I finally get it! There is nothing to be afraid of; I have only to be myself! I am enough because Christ is in me.

Breakthrough #3. Taking steps toward loving who "myself" is, and living my life as myself; recognizing what brings me 'alive' - what makes my soul glad. I have lived so "spiritualized"... I've been missing out on the joy of just being the human I am. God has designed and is in and delights in the holistic persons we are, not just our spirituality. I've known that, but I haven't KNOWN that. I get for the first time why every part of our lives are worshipful - because if we're living as He designed us to, we're glorifying Him in His creation; we're enjoying the way He made us and praising Him for it.

Thank You, God, for designing me as You did. Thank You for creating me to love You and love Your Word (a creation that continues every day); thank You for languages and giving me the ability to learn them and enjoy accents and interpreting and trying to understand other perspectives; thank you for dancing! thank You for ballet classes and making me glad in dancing; thank You for a love of music and musicians whose hearts are for Christ; thank You for the joy in listening and singing;

Thank You for the beauty in this world - thank You for eyes that see it and are glad in it! Thank You for giving me a heart that loves the sky and sunsets, artwork in all its forms; thank You for the beauty of faces and hearts; Thank You for giving me a love of creating! Thank You for words and making me a writer.

Thank You for friends and thoughtfulness; You created me to love finding little gifts that suit perfectly - there is so much joy in that. Thank You for making me affectionate. Thank You for giving me a heart that recognizes and appreciates sincerity; thank You for the joy in faithfully authentic brothers and sisters.

And thank You for making me one who loves home; thank You for restoring to me a love of being loved. I pray this only grows and deepens and transforms me. Thank You for making me to love kids. I don't know how I could live without them. Thank You for creating me to enjoy laughter; thank You for the smile in little things - I see Your fingerprints on little notes to make me smile every day. There is much to this person You created and named Your own. Father, caress my heart to love myself and to gladly offer all that I am in loving everyone.

In Christ alone, AMEN.

September closes...

2006-09-25T06:56:00.000-05:00

Autumn is arriving in New Hampshire. Yesterday I rode up through the White Mountains area with a friend, and even with the gray skies, the view was beautiful. Trees up there are turning; probably will peak within the next couple of weeks. Down here a few have decided to put on their season's best, but most remain green. October is more the month of foliage for us southerners.

It has always been my favorite time of year, the Fall... sunny days when the air is crisp, but not chilling, and a sweater will suffice for warmth. Small gourds and picking apples... stuffing dried leaves into small clothes to make pumpkin girls and boys... raking huge piles off the lawn and watching my little cousins throw them up in the air and dive in the midst -- playing with them! ... bon fires on chilly nights ... baking apples and potatoes and corn... When I was younger, my birthday promised a gathering of family and playing hide and seek at dusk; lasagna and carrot cake with cream cheese frosting (Mom made my favorites).

Last autumn brought visits from two dear friends faraway. Yes, it does seem like much longer ago. As my birthday comes this time 'round, I indeed do feel a year older. Much has changed.

Here's to enjoying this moment's grace: I raise my glass of spiced cider...

2006-09-08T17:06:00.000-05:00

Hannah is singing and playing her guitar - a voice of Beauty resonating. I love just listening. My brother used to play and sing when we were younger, his voice deep and striking to the core. Hannah's is cutting just the same; true and thick and strong, rising in the listener a passion equal to her own.

I will call upon You, Lord,
For You will answer me.
Give ear to me and hear my prayer.
Keep me as the apple of Your eye,
Hide me in the shadow of Your wing...

Blessed be Your name...
You give and take away, You give and take away;
My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name.

I dream of a day when my brother sings these words that Hannah sings now.

2006-09-08T16:21:00.000-05:00

I want to see the world, friend. I want to dream in another language and dance upon the shores of an entirely different ocean. I want to be changed by lives whose stories I couldn't make up in my most creative imaginings.

Look in my eyes. Do you see strength there? Do you see fire? My insides rage with the intermingling of passion and gentleness... the restrained intensity of a waiting desire. O, I long for it. I long for adventure and understanding and a glimpse at Beauty as it exists across this globe in faces and tastes and traditions and creation - in movement and music and art - in men and women and children - in masculinity and femininity - in gardens and wildlife and dreams. I want to learn what it is to be God's woman across this globe: what differs and what is unchanging. Imagine living in a village long enough to be at home there - to be accepted and recognized as one of them, though different. To have neighbors come to rely on you as you have relied on them, and to see them come to a reliance upon the LORD God. Imagine!

Imagine.

2006-09-02T22:13:00.000-05:00

I acidentally met my dad's girlfriend yesterday, and she is so nice I almost couldn't believe it. Except that she was very real - not an artificial niceness. Just genuinely sweet. I had gone by my dad's house to leave some cookies and check for any mail, and as I opened the door (assuming Dad and Heath were both at work) I heard, "Hello" - a woman's voice welcoming me, though she was surprised to see it was me she welcomed, having expected my father. I stepped into the kitchen and saw Barb at the stove stirring a pot of soup. She is tall, like my dad. She wore fitted pants tucked in at the bottom to feminine cowboy boots with a pretty sweater and silver jewelry - she is stylish in an entirely different way than my mother. Her smile is warm and sincere.

We chatted for a few minutes - my dad was outside still. I knew they had returned the day before from a trip to South Carolina where Dad met her family for the first time. They were on their way up north for the weekend to go to a fair, staying at a cabin where they had agreed to split and stack wood in exchange for housing. Interesting. So she doesn't mind working hard. My dad was actually home for a lunch break (she was on her lunch break from work, also), and was taking off another weekend. Is this a permanent change, I wonder? Has he finally realized that beloveds must be a priority?

My brother doesn't like her. But then, he doesn't usually like anyone. Except we both like Mom's boyfriend - or what she has said about him. Neither of us have spent any significant time with him. But he is authentic, as well, and effective in confronting things that when anyone else has confronted her she has just lashed out. But she takes Rich's correction to heart and is genuinely changing for the better.

I never would have thought I'd see my parents with other halves and be ok with it, let alone encouraged by the relationships. Life isn't ideal. But I see that it is good. God's orchestration humbles me again and again as He continuously unveils beautiful goodness where I could only predict rubble.

I am learning to expect to see this in my own journey, in my own relationships and path-steps. I so want Him to unveil beautiful goodness with every onward venture. I see it in my friends' lives. I know He is doing this in my life, too - are my eyes not open? or is it just an inbetween-stones moment... still waiting to see where the next one will be placed and what goodness I will find when it is there and I am standing on it? There is goodness here in this in-between, as well. My Lord is here! There is excitement here, and wonder. There is joy all around me that I am so thankful to be part of.

It's just strange... I am close to God - we are in communion with each other. I simply live with as awareness of Him, and enjoy His presence; enjoy sharing my thoughts and singing for Him and asking Him questions... Why the -- I don't know how to describe it. I so often ask God to be enough for me. Why does it feel like He isn't? Not that He is incomplete or lacking in any way - that's not what I mean. There is just always remaining this nagging feeling that there's something more waiting... but I don't know what it is. I don't want to seek trial fillers to figure it out - I know they would fail and the whole process be distracting. Why can I be right with God, live with wonderful family, have girlfriends and guy friends - nearby even! - see my family coming closer to being right with God and actually enjoying each other's company, ... and still feel like something's just missing?

oy. prayer needed and appreciated.

2006-08-26T09:31:00.000-05:00

Our youth group band was invited to play an hour slot at an upcoming Old Home Day in town... September 16th will be probably the first open-air praise and worship concert in the town... ever? :) It's really exciting. Please keep the teens and the townspeople in prayer!

My family always goes to Old Home Day, too. My brother sang/played his guitar a couple of years. My dad drives his tractor in the parade (my mom used to make a "street float" with the neighborhood kids). My mom has had a photo exhibit - I don't know if she will this year.

Heath and I went to Six Flags on Wednesday (Hannah came with us) and it was so good. He kept saying, "This is such a great day." :) Well, except while we were standing in line for Batman for a couple hours. We bonded over screaming our heads off. :) No, actually, I love rollercoasters. I like best watching the track in front - it's like the view in movies of fighter pilots. On the ride home we were listening to jazz and picking out the different instruments; predicting which solo was coming next. Somewhere in Mass we switched seats and I fell asleep while he drove the rest of the way.

Are you convinced?

2006-08-22T13:30:00.000-05:00

One driving passion has carried through my life as its path has winded and determined and at times re-directed to where I am today: I care about people. I want to be one who is defined by compassion for others; a person whose life is effective. My name may be forgotten, but I pray those who are in my path will know they were valued, and will in turn value themselves and the people around them.

Until recently, I wasn't sure which avenue I would like to take in pursuit of that ideal, but it has become clear. In January I began a Medical Assistant training program and fell in love with medicine. I want to continue in school beyond this certification and become a nurse. An Army ROTC scholarship would provide four years of education in a nursing program that I would never be able to afford otherwise. That would be invaluable to me! Also invaluable would be the training in leadership and management, and the opportunities to work with diverse populations across the United States and abroad.

I am an adaptor. I thrive in surroundings that challenge me to observe and modify and learn quickly in order to make the situation successful. I am teachable and as willing to follow as to be followed. I apply for this scholarship with excitement! I have the potential to be a high quality member of the Army's medical team, and I would love to have my leadership and clinical skills honed by the best.

I also want to note that I would be honored to care for our soldiers and their families, whether States-side or in Germany, Korea, or on the field. I would consider it a priviledge to be part of their hands-on support, helping them complete their mission. I would gladly accept my career obligation of serving active duty in the Nurse Corps for four years if I receive an Army ROTC scholarship.

Bits n pieces of thoughts at the moment...

2006-08-20T20:31:00.000-05:00

My mom is reading the Word again!!!! Hallelujah! She went to a Catholic Mass this morning and it "just wasn't enough" - it was all readings "straight from the Bible" but "there was no life in it" ... :) ... mmhm. So she went home and read her Bible - for a couple hours! WOW.
My aunt Nancy is looking for churches to try - and my mom said she'll come with her to our church if she'd like to go. (Aunt Nan is my mom's eldest sister. She's my cousin Laura[who just had Maggie]'s mom.)
My brother and I are driving to New Jersey on Friday to go to Six Flags together. :)
My uncle Steven is up visiting from Georgia with his wife Kim (who's expecting their second) - I'm going to ask him if he wants to go have coffee or a drink or something because every time he's come to visit we've had the strangest interaction - or circumstances to be in - and I would really like to just sit one-on-one and get to know each other a little. Last time he was here it was Thanksgiving at my dad's house; they were still living together, but mom was having an affair; we all knew (my dad, brother, and I) but no one else did. The divorce was planned, but kept under "for the holidays." Needless to say, it was uncomfortable and I was not myself.
College applications are gruelling and tedious.
When I have something major to write (major as in, I so want to write my heart as it is, and convey all that is there...) it's extremely laborious getting the words down. (and usually they only end up coming out by waking me up in the middle of the night and writing until complete.) Current workings: a letter to Elisabeth Elliot. Why is saying "thank you" so hard? She lives in Massachusettes. I would love to meet her. I think I've started and crumpled at least six first pages - maybe seven will be the number to rest at. :)
I got a "video letter" in the mail from Julie and James (J and I lived together in the Bronx) "Year two in Review" - pics and footage from their second year of marriage in California. Julie is going through Law School and James is earning his doctorate in Theology... Both also working... yowzas. They're so cute, though. I will write her a letter tomorrow.
I miss my friends far away...
I wonder what God is orchestrating... the possible chartings of the course are many and would each bring an adventure completely different from the others... I wonder which He has chosen - or if He's chosen another altogether that I haven't even glimpsed, yet. I wonder that for my friends' paths, as well... And I wonder if He may intersect our roads again anytime soon...
My friend Patrick no longer works at the deli - he's moved on to better things :) - and I miss him singing and dancing and making me laugh. He did, however, teach me to make pizza as he made it (the Papa Gino's way) and so perhaps I can at least stay connected through the stretching and saucing of that beautiful dough... :)
My obsessive compulsive cleaning and organization of the deli seems to be intensifying... But I think it may just be compensating for the crew members that don't care at all... Curtis, thank you again for caring and for staying late to do our job well - God is glorified.
My mom is going to do her grocery shopping with Beth (Andy's wife) - so Beth won't have to walk 40 mins each way to the store and backpack their groceries! And what a great opportunity for them to get to know each other. Mom wants to have A&B over for dinner with herself and Rich. So cool.

Well, of course I could go on thoughts and more thoughts and possibilities... but goodnight.

2006-08-17T07:31:00.000-05:00

Life is such an interesting journey...

Last night at prayer meeting we looked at John 17, Christ's prayer to the Father as He looked ahead to the cross. Facing that death, He prayed, "O, righteous Father... the world does not know You, but I know you..." and He prayed for the church - His disciples and all that would eventually come to Him throughout time; all those named before time in the Book of the Lamb. Jesus knew His Father and so could gladly accept whatever He gave Him. In that knowing was complete trust because He knew the Father's complete love and complete righteousness.

I pray that we would seek to know our Father like that; in knowing, we would only trust more; in trusting, we would gladly accept whatever He has for us.

What Jesus prayed for His church - for us - was that we be sanctified by the truth of God's Word; that we be made holy and unto His likeness - by His Word. I pray that roots in my heart and yours - studying and learning and keeping and treasuring and relying on for my sustenance the living words of the Bible: it was Christ's prayer for me and for you right before He went to the cross. And that in that sanctification we be unified as a Body - relying together on His words for life and joy and glory...for eternity.

I pray that wherever we are lead on this journey, we fully know Him who leads us and submit to His leadership; I pray we seek Him and cleave to Him and be sanctified by the washing of His word. I pray that we pray for each other as Christ prayed for us - that we remember what is most important even as we face trials and mayhap death... that our hearts sing adoration and thanksgiving; that prayer for the Father's will, for His glory, and for the holiness of the church which glorifies Him be on our lips.

In His Son's name, Amen.

2006-08-11T22:54:00.000-05:00

Question I thought of a few days ago: How many women are still pro-choice after they've had an abortion?

I got the job at the coffeehouse. :) It's really fun. Start Tuesday.

Tomorrow mom and I are photographing a wedding together. That's really fun, too.

A job in sight...

2006-08-09T08:27:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is the last day of this modular of classes. The following ten weeks will be a hiatus from school to work a second job and save some money before the final modular and an eight-week externship. And THEN I will be finished. I have a "working interview" Friday morning from 9 to noon at the cafe where Kari-Lynn works. It's a neat place: casually hip atmosphere with really good food (breakfast thru dinner), really good chai (I've heard the coffee's good, too), and gelato; open mic nights one Friday per month that are fun - I've been to three. Usually two or three really talented people, five or so that are semi-talented, and one or two that are having fun. But the crowd is always really supportive of everyone regardless of ability.

It will be fun working with Kari-Lynn, too. We crack each other up, both work hard, and both love working with the public. So we'll see. It's a bit far from my house, but it's really close to my brother's job and their house, which would make seeing them more often very possible.

Forever friends

2006-08-09T05:47:00.000-05:00

There are some days that hold a specific "missing" for friends faraway. Yesterday I missed Karissa. Acutely.

Karissa is my beautiful sister - the kind of beautiful that makes everyone around her beautiful. The kind of beautiful that frees your spirit, and allows you to be who God made you to be. She and I are kindreds; like-minded, equally devoted to our Lord, both having hearts to love and know deeply... prayer warriors for each other... sisters by the Blood.

I called her last night after work... she is a tour director in Alaska for the season, and we had about five minutes before she had to hang up and help a guest. Just long enough to say "hello" and "I love you," and share snippet updates. :) But that is ok. "Hello and I love you" is always a good thing to hear from so beloved a heart. Just to stay connected. I'll try her again another day for the full catching up that we both miss.

Praise God for brothers and sisters. True kindreds are few and far between, and so precious. Thank You for them, Father.

Thank you, PMC riders!

2006-08-07T08:31:00.000-05:00

That show Amazing Race should have one of its clues hidden in an obscure location in Boston, and it must be found BY CAR. It'd be hilarious.

Last night Kari-Lynn, Han, Marge, Eli, and I drove down to meet Wendy after the PMC ride... Kari-Lynn driving her car, Hannah navigating, Eli in the backseat; Marge and I following them in Marge's car (me driving). In a more ideal situation, I would have navigated Kari-Lynn driving and Marge and Hannah followed us. But as it were... As we drove in circles and asked a few people for directions and then ended up following the original directions (which did in fact lead to where we needed to be!) we were having fun on one part... but G-Ma was not having fun, and was getting angrier by the wrong turn. And she was in my passenger seat.

See, I don't mind being lost. We had plenty of time (though it be dwindling) and we discovered lots of new places in Boston that we hadn't known how to get to before, and we got to talk to two or three men working along the street and make them laugh (with us). I kept wanting to joke about it and enjoy the circuitous ride, but I couldn't because my co-driver wasn't amused. At all.
So everytime I made eye contact with Kari-Lynn in her mirrors, I'd start laughing on the inside and biting my lip so it wouldn't burst to the outside and cause infuriation.

The most funniest thingest: We left home at 4:30pm, planning to be an hour and a half early (for Marge's nerves' sake). We arrived in Boston at 5:30pm as planned, but then took the extra hour and a half winding around, getting back on track, and making it to the seaport to park - and right as we got there and parked and ran to the pier, the ferry came in with Wendy on it, and we were right where we needed to be right when we needed to be there! And Kari-Lynn and I just looked at each other laughing and said (with our leis and neon plastic party hats and posters raised):

GOD IS SO GOOD!

Amen. :D There was no need to be worrying.

Such is the case with the job I'm looking for. I feel a bit as though I'm winding around and not knowing where I'm going, and that I should be there by now, but in this as in driving to Boston, the timing is perfect. It just isn't yet.

Then Sings my soul...

2006-08-04T10:02:00.000-05:00

Hannie is playing the piano behind me, singing with the beautiful voice God has gifted her with. I am so blessed to be part of this family.

Wendy left this morning for the Pan-Massachusettes Challenge, a 192 mile bike ride raising money for the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. They ride Saturday and Sunday. We'll all drive down to Cape Cod to meet her by ferry at the finish. I love how this family celebrates: Moments are enjoyed and savored, things are not rushed through without being appreciated. It makes for a richness and gratefulness that is so good.

The oppressive heat has subsided, thank goodness. It really was awful. This morning it poured, but that has subsided, as well. Hannah was sick the same time as me - we both spent last night with fevers again. Today, however, I think it's really coming to an end. We have a day to rest. Rain and resting... hmm... sounds like a good day to watch a movie. I think I will see if there are any on tv.

One thing about those bugs - they do make one slow down. And this one here has definitely needed to slow down. :)

All is well. Take care.

2006-08-03T12:38:00.000-05:00

I am sick for the first time in a long time. Thankfully, the worst of it passed over the course of last night. A fever set in while I was at school yesterday, and I ended up leaving at lunch time. Throbbing head and chills = not the best concentration. I slept over my mom's house, getting out of the sticky heat of just about everywhere else. And moms are just good at taking care.

Today I'm much better. :) Functioning and back in the classroom. Still feel like I could have spent the day sleeping, but alas...

I hope you are all well on this Thursday.

Perfect love casts out fear... thoughts on learning to accept that

2006-07-28T16:50:00.000-05:00

The heavens are crying.

A rainstorm is beautiful behind glass; behind a screen... only the coolness of the breeze that sweeps the droplets permeates. Tree branches swish and their leaves quiver with the movement, taking turns being exposed and then being sheltered.

As a girl I never felt safe during thunder storms. My brother and uncles would take game in terrifying me with stories of people being struck by lightning; I suppose thinking that their laughter might show me not to be afraid? Even in high school I would sleep in the basement if it began to rain strongly. Yet I wanted to be a storm chaser. :) Over-compensation, perhaps? One extreme to the next... Now I see my Creator as I watch storms come in. But still now I would rather be sheltered and in strong arms as the skies alight with ferocity than be bared in the midst, on my own. The little girl remains, needing reassurance. I am in my Father's strong arms... learning to trust other strong arms.

The Spirit revealed a bit more of my own heart to me driving home from work last night. Yet another fear of trusting... I have seen time and again God not giving me what I so deserve - of having every reason to bear deserved consequences, but He mercifully spares me of them. The most deserved, and greatest mercy of course being that I should have been condemned to hell, but Christ died in my stead. It would be easier to receive justice in these little things; to constantly be shown mercy is a love that hurts. It is a mercy that shows how much of my life I haven't been loved, how much I don't expect to be loved. My heart is not merciful like that. I don't love mercy. I distrust it. I want what I deserve; I want people to get what they deserve.

That is so revealing. That is so not like Christ. The renewing of my mind is perhaps the longest process. How long will it take for me to trust? Should I desire mercy in these little things? Right now my thought is, "When I have made these mistakes, when I have messed things up, I ought to pay for it. If I made the choice, I should take the punishment." Part of me cringes every time I end up not taking the punishment, every time God works it out so I get away free. It's too good. I don't deserve it. He loves me too much.

When people love me like that, as they are more and more, I distrust them, also. And I want to distance myself... The old mind is saying that it's supposed to hurt - people are supposed to hurt; their love can't be real, it can't be trusted. It is subtle, though. This old mind speaks the deepest lie, hissing just loud enough to make me doubt the truth of the love that at the same time I do know is real and is to be trusted. Father, renew my mind, I pray. Teach me to love mercy. Please love me until I joyfully expect it; and please give my brothers and sisters courage and patience to keep loving me until I expect it from them, as well... until I am thankful for it, until I am not afraid.

In Jesus' name.

2006-07-25T08:39:00.000-05:00

I have an interview at the hospital tomorrow at 4pm! yippee!!

All in a day's grace

2006-07-19T23:02:00.000-05:00

This is so great! We have a missions seminar in October (last year was the first of a decidedly annual event), and our second speaker just confirmed that he would be able to commit!!! Woohoo! He's a pastor in Brooklyn, NY of a church whose family is primarily former substance abusers, prostitutes, homeless people (who've found a Home that cannot be lost!!) ... Edwin Colon is the man - he as a drug user himself before he came to Christ. The church started as a Bible study in his home. He does not possess a pastoral degree. The work the Lord has done through him is awesome. I'm so excited!!! I love being part of the missions team, too, and helping this whole process come together. I am working on a press release. I'll post it when complete.

I heard back today from a local hospital that I had applied to volunteer at! I will return her call tomorrow and we'll set up an interview! Yay! It may be a lead-in for my externship. Or it may not. Either way, it will be good experience. The neat thing is that they use their volunteers as they are skilled. Some hospitals limit volunteers to delivering flowers or working in the gift shop. Actually, I would love delivering flowers and visiting with patients. I will love doing whatever they have for me to do!

I went to ballet class again tonight. There is an adult class Wednesday nights for the month of July. And because I'm an alumnus, it's FREE. Bonus. I love dancing - when God knit me together, He made me a dancer. Even though my technique leaves MUCH to be desired (four years out of training will do that), it is so good. In the fall, I will continue to take class as my new schedule allows. There are two other women in the classes: Susan and Mandy. Susan is probably late 40s? She came late so I didn't get to talk to her much. Mandy is my age; just graduated with English/Education majors and will begin teaching high school, beginning-level English in the fall. She did ballet when she was 3, then became a gymnast. I was the opposite. Gymnast-turned dancer. She plans to continue dancing in the fall, also. I look forward to knowing her better.

I hope my husband likes to dance. That would be swell. If he loves to dance, that would be sweller. :) Though, if he loves the Lord with his whole heart, mind, soul, and strength, and truly loves others out of that Love, then he can have two left feet. :)

I dropped into my mom's after ballet (I'd gone to see her right after school, but she wasn't home) - I dropped in just to say hello and ended up staying two hours - just sitting on the sofa talking. We are becoming friends again, and it is so good. I've missed her. Keep praying for her. She is learning much. Also pray for Rich - he is her boyfriend. I haven't been able to spend time with him, yet, so I only know what she has told me about him. Pray I may be an honest and graceful witness; humbly Loving.

Tomorrow I am leaving school after my second class to go to a funeral of my dear Betty's husband Duncan. He was 92 and very ready; Betty said she didn't know if he was a believer. He'd had a stroke seven years ago. He knew my dad, actually. Pray my dad may come to the funeral, also, and be softened to the gospel. My dear Betty - she is a beautiful, gracious woman. So caring of others. Today during the wake she sat and held my hand, introducing me to her children and grandchildren before I even had time to introduce myself. :) We are family, too. I love her very much.

Shade-trees and roses

2006-07-15T18:44:00.000-05:00

It is a sticky-hot day in southern NH. Two friends from church got married this afternoon - Paul and Greer. God is smiling. Greer's best friend gave the most beautiful toast I have ever heard... she truly sees Greer through the eyes of Christ, and it was...beautiful. Humbling. I had never seen Greer that way, and I wonder how many other treasures I have passed by because I am not looking through His eyes - am not loving with His heart...

Lenny Spitale gave a message during the ceremony (he is such a neat man with the most tender and caring of hearts), speaking of the Song of Solomon: to Paul, Greer is a rose among thorns - all other women are thorns to him compared with her. To Greer, Paul is the tree under which she finds shade and rest.

I was thinking about these verses... God must have to really make the woman stand out to the man as one in millions... Women are different: It is not hard for us to spot a good shade-tree and go sit under it. And if it proves to be a good shade-tree, we are ready to stay there. Not seemingly so with men: it seems if God did not make all other women thorns in their view, they would just keep on seeing roses. :)

I suppose the moment when a woman is no longer a rose among roses, but a rose among thorns, is the moment a man knows he would marry her. And he needn't worry about whether she would marry him because by the time God has clarified his view, she has probably already been resting in his shade for quite a while. :)

Beautiful One, my soul must sing

2006-07-06T23:41:00.000-05:00

Today I left home seeking a peaceful place to study for tomorrow's final exams and ended up at the ocean. My favorite stretch of beach in NH is not sand at all, but rather a length of winding coastal rocks rising up to a banking where the mainland levels. Route 1-A follows the shoreline all the way up through to Maine; between the pavement of the road and the drop-off to the rocks is a grassy flatland with a walkway and wildflowers, and periodically a bench or stone arrangement or group of bushes... landscaped, but naturally so.

On one of these grassy areas I spread my blanket and then my books... and then myself. :) I never realized how similar the gull's cry is to the wolf's lone howl, or how the clouds can rise on the horizon-line and appear as ship's sails, coming home.

I had not realized how quiet the writer's voice in me has been of late;

how needed she to be loosed and let free.

Beauty: therein lies such power for healing and renewal. A few simple hours of gazing upon the waters of my God... hearing His rhythm, feeling His breeze, seeing His artistry, even the scents of salt and grass and greenery... the warmth of His sun, and the relationships of His creatures... to be in the midst of His handiwork, in the presence of Himself, with His Word at my fingertips, and all simotaneously in the palm of His hand...

my soul found its resting place; my voice, its freedom.

Words, Henry F. Lyte

2006-06-27T11:31:00.000-05:00

Jesus, I my cross have taken,
All to leave and follow Thee.
Destitute, despised, forsaken,
Thou from hence my all shall be.
Perish every fond ambition,
All I’ve sought or hoped or known.
Yet how rich is my condition!
God and heaven are still my own.

Let the world despise and leave me,
They have left my Savior, too.
Human hearts and looks deceive me;
Thou art not, like them, untrue.
O while Thou dost smile upon me,
God of wisdom, love, and might,
Foes may hate and friends disown me,
Show Thy face and all is bright.

Man may trouble and distress me,
’Twill but drive me to Thy breast.
Life with trials hard may press me;
Heaven will bring me sweeter rest.
Oh, ’tis not in grief to harm me
While Thy love is left to me;
Oh, ’twere not in joy to charm me,
Were that joy unmixed with Thee.

Go, then, earthly fame and treasure,
Come disaster, scorn and pain;
In Thy service, pain is pleasure,
With Thy favor, loss is gain.
I have called Thee Abba Father,
I have stayed my heart on Thee
Storms may howl, and clouds may gather;
All must work for good to me.

Soul, then know thy full salvation
Rise o’er sin and fear and care
Joy to find in every station,
Something still to do or bear.
Think what Spirit dwells within thee,
Think what Father’s smiles are thine,
Think that Jesus died to win thee,
Child of heaven, canst thou repine.

Haste thee on from grace to glory,
Armed by faith, and winged by prayer.
Heaven’s eternal days before thee,
God’s own hand shall guide us there.
Soon shall close thy earthly mission,
Soon shall pass thy pilgrim days,
Hope shall change to glad fruition,
Faith to sight, and prayer to praise.

A moment's remembrance

2006-06-24T09:24:00.000-05:00

My mom has seven brothers and two sisters, and most of them live in the area. Last night we gathered for a slideshow of Uncle Dennis' trip to Thailand a couple of months ago. Watching slides is a pretty major tradition in my family - they always happen in the summertime when the pool is open and we can sit out on the hot top and project the slides onto a king-sized sheet on the side of the garage. Mom brings the entree for dinner (lasagna and mac and cheese last night) and other aunts bring salad and fruit and drinks, etc.

If we don't sit outside, the show moves to the living room. It's not a big room by any means, and that's part of the tradition... bean bag chairs cover the floor; the couch lines one wall, a bench another, and two small stuffed chairs opposite the couch. The screen stands in front of the fireplace, and Grandpa stands on the stairs behind the projector. We began outside last night, but as the rain moved in, so did we.

My cousin Laura had her first baby three weeks ago, and was home with her. My aunt Sarah is five months along with her second and already showing a lot. We had a really neat moment in the kitchen as the slides had begun. All my uncles and younger cousins had left the house to watch, but Gram, Aunt Nancy, Mom, Sarah, Laura (holding Maggie), and I all stayed in the kitchen talking. Seven different stages of womanhood sharing stories and wisdom and questions... That conversation will be a favorite memory for me. And holding Maggie was just awesome. She's so tiny and beautiful and alive. To think I may be so gifted someday... oh, I hope I may.

...the Spirit Himself maketh intercession for us, with groanings which cannot be uttered...

2006-06-15T23:44:00.000-05:00

An intensity of feeling and appreciating and knowing that is completely new to me overwhelms my senses... overwhelms my mind, my heart, and even my strength to the point of sitting here immovable, unable to articulate until this moment.

The past two weeks have been strange - there is no other word for it. A depth and fierceness of new perception that I can't quite understand, relieved by the queerest of distractions - unexpected accidents and incidents interspersed with brief moments of surging emotion - immense joy, then a scouring, longing pain as when I first moved home to my unsaved family; here, wide eyes and a smile from the innermost heart, then gripping ache and weeping for joy that has still to be recognized, in order to be cleaved to and freed by. All rages below the surface, save the tears that come like a thunder storm on a summer afternoon - where sunshine flooded just a moment before, now darkness invades and pours forth torrent and shuddering and drenching waters that do not seem to refresh - only to cease and move on with equal brevity, leaving behind puddles, but also a rainbow as the light works its way back to fullness of shine.

Freedom in Joy remains the definition of my experience, but this undercurrent of longing is entirely different, and I pray it be made useful if it must continue to exist. There is goodness in it already in that I must hourly cling to my Savior's feet and find my peace and strength there in the closeness of His presence. I can only look to where He is before me and beside me, and live today here, where we are together. I cannot try to look down the path to where we are going because nothing has been revealed to see... therein lies only impatience in not seeing, and that profits none. I am learning to be a present-dweller: to faithfully trust Him to lead and be most thankful for His very being.

My Abba, my Master, my Sovereign, my Perfect Love. You know.

Nervous Tick-ing of the keyboard as I wait...

2006-05-31T09:54:00.000-05:00

One final down, one to go.

This morning I took the final test of my Anatomy and Physiology class - 98%. Satisfaction. So close to %100 - but oh, well. My 4.0 is sealed, which definitely feels nice.

At 11:30am (in about 35 minutes; actually, exactly 35 minutes...) I will see the first patient of my clinical final. Our "patients" are instructors who come to our simulated medical office and evaluate us as we evaluate them. They are looking for professionalism, competency, and quality of care throughout the interaction. The recorded progress notes will then be critiqued by my clinical instructor.

I have a second patient at 12:00pm. She is the Assistant Director of the school.

25 minutes to go.

Perfect love...

2006-05-31T09:14:00.000-05:00

...casts out all fear.

It was a good weekend.

Persevering in that which is unseen, we see this

2006-05-19T00:15:00.000-05:00

Today the clouds finally gave way after about two weeks of dreariness and rain which flooded the region as it hadn't been flooded in seventy years. School cancelled for the week; so enjoyable, the spare time.

I love home life. It is simple, and gives such satisfaction. This morning I drove home from my mom's house (we spend Wednesday nights together after prayer meeting), pinned up my shower-wet hair, and sauteed the chicken I'd rested in marinade the day before. Cooked and cooled, it mixed into a salad of greens, colorful peppers sweet and hot, carrots, mushrooms, onions, cucumbers, walnuts, and dried cherries. So fresh and delicious and perfectly suited to a hot, sunny day.

Mid-morning I headed into the garage to figure out the lawnmower - after so much rain the grass had junglified and brought to mind the story of "The Indian in the Cupboard." What a treat to find a lawnmower that functions without tricks! The ones my family had always came from the dump and inevitably had some MickeyMousing going on to start it or keep it going... Or else they were just temperamental and would mow when they were so inclined. :)

So I mowed and raked and weeded a little with only one glitch, really - the dogs escaped the gate; but Daisy turned back at the sound of "Cookie," and Jake doesn't have it in him to run away solo. He's definitely the brains, but Daisy carries all the gumption. It's a good thing, too, because while I don't love the animals I do love Marge, and she would have been devastated to lose them.

My dear sister in Christ called just after noon and we chatted and prayed together. What a sweet, loving heart - such an encouragement to me and many others. She was meeting with her friend Jenny this afternoon; been sharing her faith little by little as they've grown closer and today she invited her over with the intent of fully presenting the gospel. Cindi's heart just beems with the desire for her loved ones to know how He loves - I so look forward to hearing about the conversation.

I closed the deli tonight with my friend and brother in Christ, Curtis - he has finished his first year of art school and so is back to working week nights. :) Good to have you around again, bro.

We went for a walk after work to a waterfall out in the woods where the water is usually just on the rough side of mild in most parts, but after the recent weather, it rages. And the waterline on the rocks spake of even higher waters earlier in the week. Quite amazing: it's just water flowing, but there is such power.

With parting clouds comes visibility of stars again, also. I hadn't realized how much I've missed them.

There are two weeks left to this current term at school, and then I will be half-way through the academic portion of my training. At the finish of next week - Memorial Day weekend- I head to Chicago to visit my brother Luke and meet his family for his little brother's graduation.

My family needs prayer - repentance and newness of life for all. Restoration.

My brother in the faith, Andy, is getting married, and he and his wife are looking for jobs and an apartment in the area so they can grow in and minister to our home church here. It would be so awesome to have Beth and him nearby. So awesome.

Tonight I gave Sharon my first Bible. Continue to hold her up in prayer.

There is a change in my brother Heath (my biological brother who is not a believer) that I can't quite articulate - keep him in prayer, also.

I have a new co-worker named Jason whom I met Tuesday night - oy. He is like so many of the men I deal with over the counter - the last thing I want to deal with behind the counter. But I did share my faith with him, and I suppose if an interest in me gives opportunity for an interest in my God, then I shall submit to it and pray for God's effectual grace to break and reconcile his heart.

Please pray also for Paul, a brand new believer at my church - he was given saving grace on Sunday, and he is being discipled right away which is so good.

One of the men at my church saw two of the prisoners he ministers to accept the Lord this week, as well. These are three lives among many others across the globe that are Living for the first time - pray they grow deeply and firmly in the Rock of their salvation. It is likely a rough and rocky road ahead - but it heads straight for the hilltops. :) I forget who penned that.

May all we brethren persevere unto That Day. Praise God: for His name's sake, He will make sure we do!

Amen.

Here am I

2006-05-11T09:01:00.000-05:00

One of the women I work with, Sharon, asked me for a Bible Tuesday night. Please pray for her as she opens God's Word - that if He wills, she would understand the truth and grace and life found there, and be redeemed by the Blood of Christ. Also pray that she would be able to not work on Sunday mornings so that she may come to church.

I smile - well, obviously because this is awesome - but also because she is one of the ones I've been praying for patience with. A transformation unto godliness in her would be a MAJOR testimony to a LOT of people.

Last night I gave the presentation on my trip to Turkey before my church body - and my mom, dad, brother, grandparents, and little cousin came, also. SO GOOD.

I'm done being on the computer, so I'll paste in here a brief bit I wrote my friend Charlie about it, and write more another time. Maybe in an hour or so, even. I'm at school with no specific assignments and already prepared for my later exam, so I'm blogging... but now I'm going to go research common symptoms patients go to a medical office complaining of, and common medical emergencies and how they're triaged (placed in order of urgency to be seen).

on last night:

I didn't get to talk to my grandparents afterward (they scooted out), but they sat with Jack and Joy, converted Catholics who joined our fellowship a couple years ago (my grandparents are Catholic). Joy was a nun for five years! She said they talked to my gp's about their move from the C church to this one.

So yesterday, to get ready for the night, I left school after my first class and spent the day cooking! What fun, and a nice break from the usual routine.

I didn't have a speech planned - I'd thought about writing one a few times, but never got anywhere. I did have a slide show (nothing fancy) that played and I talked about some of the pictures, told other stories... I told the story that I wrote on my blog and it had quite the impact. Even my brother's face was completely serious. ... it was SO GOOD. Shared what the missionaries I'd met said they wanted the believers here to know; what I saw in the lives of the Turks I met; why Turkey needs Christians willing to live there...

My family talked with my church family, and I could tell my dad and brother just really enjoyed the fellowship. During the presentation, Dad was gently smiling the whole time I spoke. So encouraging.

My brother said afterward, "When you were up there, I could see the little Amanda again." The way I was when I was little. Myself, I guess. I am becoming more myself all the time - it's really awesome. Freedom in the joy of the Lord to be who He made me to be.

I love my brother... Keep praying for him. He saw something different in the faith last night. He saw my heart and heard truth and of the vast difference between our God and the god of Islam. And he tried to stump me with a question that I wasn't stumped by. :)

My grandparents heard of nominal Muslims with their traditions and duty-driven worship that is so much like their own Catholicism. What's so cool is that the things that I did know I wanted to say, but didn't know how to say them so that they would be relatable to any unbelievers - well, the words were there.

I can never remember everything that's been said after I give a presentation or share a testimony or whatnot. It's cool because the Spirit speaks - the ONLY reason I can approach eloquence and entertainment :) (left to my own strength I would ramble and stumble over words and be quite boring.. hahaha.. but it's true!) - but then I have only vague recollections of what I talked about. Now that that is complete, though, I should be able to write about the trip. I think I'd been stopped from writing so I wouldn't have my own words to fall back on when speaking. If you're reading this and you were there last night, maybe you could comment on what you learned from the presentation - what stood out most to you. That would be helpful.

I love my church family. What lovely, encouraging, open-hearted people. And I love knowing my calling. I am a missionary: right now, here in NH; when the command comes, out there, and I will be so glad in going.

Grace upon grace

2006-05-07T23:32:00.000-05:00

So it's been a while... that seems to be a theme with this blog of late. What a faithful beloved you must be - still checking, not losing hope just yet. :)

It is half past midnight; I sat down at the keyboard after finishing the more-extensive-than-expected preparation of a dish called "Saray Katmeri." Crepes layered with a spinach filling and gruyere cheese. They now rest in the freezer, ready to be baked on Wednesday.

That evening I am presenting - as much as discovered in the two weeks and two days of my visit - Turkey! samplings of my favorite foods included.

The weeks since I arrived back Stateside have been quite eventful - well, busy, at least. Eventful connotates happenings extra-ordinary; perhaps that is somewhat accurate, but moreso I've simply re-entered the schedule of school and work and visitations (I just don't have time for spontaneous get-togethers. Bumping into a friend at the grocery store is pretty much the extent of unscheduled interactions) ... and little sleep. :) Blogging in the middle of the night doesn't help, I know, but I've gone too long without it - must post something.

One thing to share before I head up to my room: Last Sunday I asked my church to pray for patience for me. I was met with smirking, groans (in jest), laughter as if to say, "Oh, watch out with that one..." You know the old cliche among Christians that you never pray for patience because you may well be answered with a good schooling - God saying, "Here, this'll make ya learn to be patient," and then your situation suddenly worsens times ten and you huddle in a ball and rock yourself or something.

Well, ok. First of all, I loathe Christian cliches like that. Why do we make light of our stubbornness? If we pursue holiness, our life is going to be a challenge each step - we grow as we fight and soldier on in the Spirit's power. If we're unwilling to face that, we ought to fall before our Savior who faced far more than we have to and repent, not smirk, patronize, and discourage those who ask the Father's help in stepping forward.

The awesome answer to the initial disappointment of my requested prayer, however, was that very help which my Father gave so generously. Indeed, my situation worsened significantly. The frustration at school multiplied, intensified, and metastisized to the deli. My prayer as I drove to school Monday morning had focused on what I might learn from this all - that I didn't want to come through this simply surviving, having a torturous time of it, and giving a testimony of anger and resentment. I wanted to grow - to somehow be more like my Lord at the end of the day. I needed His patience, His long-suffering. I knew at times I had come before Him as thick-brained and unlearning as any people I might have to deal with... He had loved me through it, waiting and teaching at my pace. How could I be so short if my true desire was to be like Him? I couldn't.

It's so interesting - so simple, really - how God enables us to be long-suffering: He gives us joy! Last week I had every worldly reason to be frustrated and furious and want to give up on classmates and coworkers and yell at everybody (and that's pretty huge because it takes A LOT for me to get there. A lot.), but I was full of such joy like nothing I'd ever experienced. My focus was on Beauty - my Jesus and my God's goodness and the smallness of this present moment in the scope of eternity - and I easily bore all else around me. Because He was bearing it, of course!

We can persevere so long as we remember why we're persevering - what we're persevering toward, and the Beautiful Lord whose face shines there. I guess the major thought from all I learned last week is that a prayer for patience is a prayer to live this situation as Christ would - in the strength and joy of the Father. And if I am willing to suffer whatever is set before me and am willing to learn from it and be thankful for it, He will meet that willingness with Himself: I will be given the Father's strength and joy as Christ had when He met His life's sufferings. We partake of them together, and are further united in doing so. What a privilege.

Thank You, Father, for gracing us so abundantly in the name of Your Son.
Amen.

Help with Template

2006-04-28T09:01:00.000-05:00

I haven't changed my blog's template except to add links to the sidebar, but the profile and links and archives are all at the bottom of the posts now. Does anyone know how I can fix this? Thank you!

"What have you seen the Lord doing here?" She smiled and let out her breath...

2006-04-23T15:26:00.001-05:00

Where his identification badge had read Islam, it now read Christian.

"You're fired."
"You cannot live here."
"You're not our son."

"You are My son."

Weeks passed and he could not find work. A month... his children hungered, those unbelieving looked on in mockery, his brethren prayed. Another month. Bills unpaid, phones cut off, unsaved wife weeping and scathing, himself waiting.

Third month progressing, the men of his church - few in number - journed to the countryside, to the gently rolling hills of green where shepherds roam and distant mountaintops watch on. There a single higher hill, a tomb perhaps, rising above all around it, and the men climbed. Heavy hearts, lips moving silently, minds wondering, yet trusting that their Sovereign was, indeed. Atop the green, as near touching the sky as able, they simply looked up. Arms out, reaching, grasping. One fell to his knees, one lay prostrate, one standing head bowed. Eyes closed; eyes searching; eyes crying. Hearts begging. "Abba. This man is Your son. He has been faithful. And he needs a job."

Within two weeks he was hired. The man hiring had been asked to fill an entirely new crew, and he chose all men connected to him in some way: friends, family, past co-workers. All trusted and familiar. Except the Christian.

"How did you get this job?" the others asked him. "You aren't related; we don't know you; we've never heard of you... How are you even here?"

"I prayed," he said. "And my God heard and answered."

Amen.

John Owen:

"Mortification from a self-strength, carried on by ways of self-invention, unto the end of a self-righteousness is the soul and substance of all false religion." So it is with Islam...

What is the object of our affections? What is the vigor of that affection?

"Lord, make me love Thee as I ought to love..."

In His service, for His purposes, and to His praise

2006-03-29T14:43:00.000-05:00

I have sat down to type this entry I don't know how many times; probably as many as I have sat down with a pen and my journal to record there... I leave Sunday night for Ankara, Turkey, and as oft I've tried to write about it, I've been unable. But I need you to pray for me - while I ready to go, and especially while I'm there - so this may read efforted, but it shall read nonetheless.

I have been reading Acts the past few weeks, and I think what is overwhelming me about this trip is the fact that I'm going to be treading the ground where my early brethren lived and died for Christ; where they were visited and ministered to in person by Paul, receiving his letters and living by them - the same letters that I read and live by.

Too, I don't know much of what to expect, so I suppose I'm avoiding speculation... I want to live the experience as God lays it out.

I fly out of Boston Sunday night, arriving at London Heathrow Monday morning. Then I'll spend the day and fly out for Ankara Monday night. I always enjoy flying and seeing who the Lord puts in my path to get to know. Air-travel relationships are interesting: You have at least two hours next to a person, and you're both either heading on an adventure or returning from one (even if it seems a mundane adventure), and most likely you'll never see each other again (at least in this life). I will have about six hours with this person. Then six hours in an airport where I may meet other people, and then four hours with another person on the way to Turkey. So please pray for travel mercies: not so much that we don't crash (because I really wouldn't mind going Home), but that I might connect with other travelers and glorify God in our interactions, whatever that entails.

When I arrive in Turkey, the family from my home church who now lives there will meet me and bring me to my dwellings. I will be staying with Tammy, 30, who has lived there for seven years and speaks fluent Turkish; and Liz, 25, who is Korean-American. I don't know how long she has been living there, or where Tammy is from originally. I do know that one of them is a kindergarten teacher, and the other a fourth grade teacher.

During the just-over-two-weeks of my stay, I will be helping Liz and Tammy in their classrooms and doing whatever else is useful. I really just want to get to know these women and their students, to love them as I'm able, and to see what God has been doing in this school I've been praying for. I wonder what God has to teach me; what He is bringing me half around the world to learn. I wonder what worshiping with my Turkish and missionary brethren will be like - they are part of the 2% "other" religious group in the country. 98% being Muslim, primarily Sunni. We will celebrate our Lord's death and resurrection together - I will be there for Easter.

Of other things of interest: I would like to learn some common Turkish phrases and whatever else of the language I can pick up; the cooking of Turkish meals to make back here in the States. Thank you, Mom, for letting me borrow your digital camera! I hope I come home with images to remember by - though some memories are always better left uncaptured. The Lundys are preparing to take me to a Mosque and to a Bazaar and to a museum, I'm not sure what kind.

I will have internet access while there, so you can be sure I will write, when time. At least I will keep my journal, and can always type what is penned when I return.

Pray I will be open to the Lord's teaching and leading, that I will listen and obey; pray we women may encourage and challenge each other as we live and serve together; pray I may come home with a renewed vigor for spreading the Good News and building up my brethren here and away; pray my local church may catch the vigor themselves in seeing God's work in Turkey; pray God may be GLORIFIED in me here and abroad, and that whatever most glorifies Him will come to pass. That is a prayer that will always be answered, "Yes." :)

In His service, for His purposes, and to His praise,
your sister and fellow pilgrim,
Amanda

Prayers of a woman pursuing righteousness

2006-03-21T11:38:00.000-05:00

A cast over the past few weeks wherein I blogged not.

12 February 2006

It is after noon now; I am just settling in my bunk to read and feast upon the Word of my Lord which I have neglected this week. I miss You, Father. How is it that I love You and yet ignore the beautiful gift of Truth that is so accessible if I only open its cover? Forgive me, Father. I grieve You, I hurt You, I disappoint You; I leave You only wanting me to draw near... You love me -- why do I so easily live without loving You back with all of my time and energy - my strength? Forgive me for staying up to talk to Dave, but not You.

Thank You for my brother and his gentle example of holiness and devotion to You. Without saying a word to this end he has made me long to cling to Your words and know You more. Simply by the man after Your own heart that he is.

Father, I open Your word now. Open my heart, I pray. My heart is hungry and thirsty and in need of You. Please teach me; reveal Yourself to me. Lord, I ask for wisdom from Your Book of Truth, Your Book of Life. I pray You would convict me - show me wickedness and give me grace to overcome it. I pray for passion - open my eyes to Your Beauty. Speak to me powerfully - with grace and gentleness as You do: a compelling combination.

Lord, I love You. I am amazed by You. I see Your strong and gentle hands working, probing, softening... never striking the downtrodden or contrite. Your rod and Your staff, they comfort...

14 February 2006

Valentine's Day. I love You, Lord.

Lord, God, thank You for another day to serve You here and seek You. I pray that You would use me today - I know You do everyday. Thank You for this time together to begin the day well. I am priviledged beyond understanding to be Your beautiful daughter when I chose to be hateful and ugly. Thank You for changing my heart almost five years ago. You have been so faithful in continuing the process of change and growth and depth each step of the way.

"I'm not who I was when I took my first step, and I'm clinging to the promise that You're not through with me, yet."

Father, You truly are my Heavenly Dad; my perfect, all-knowing, ever-present Dad. Take care of me, Father. You do and You are, I know. Your love for me is deep and vast. And Your desire for Your glory is immeasurable and all-encompassing. This is why I trust Your working Hand. You will not be scorned by Your creation. Not in the final day.

Father, I have at my fingertips Your most precious Word. Holy and able for all I need in this life and the next. Open my eyes to see You in it this morning, Lord. Teach me and transform me. Convict me of the ways in which my heart and life are not in accordance, and Father, pour on me grace upon grace provided by the death and resurrection of Your Son. Help me to grow, I pray. Teach me Your ways and lead me. I love Your Word and Your statutes. Help me to walk in them; to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly...

Be glorified in me today, I pray. Be my strength, my joy, my peace, my patience, my All in All. I love You; I am Yours. Here am I - do with me what You will. I trust You.

In Christ's name alone I pray, AMEN. ...

Help me to seek Your will, Father. And to be OBEDIENT to that which You reveal. Revelation profits nothing if it is not obeyed with the whole heart. You are honored and glorified in my obedience...Thank You that You are infallible and Your will is perfect and just and merciful and good.

Oh, Lord, I simply thank You for this life - THIS LIFE! I love You more than I even know. I am so glad to be back in fellowship with You. When I draw near, You are there to meet me. Thank You. I want never to be far again. Forgive me, Father. I know my heart's tendency to stray. BIND MY WANDERING HEART TO THEE. In Christ's name again I pray. Amen.

20 February 2006

Holy Father. It still captures my mind and seals my heart to fathom that I may come before You, call You by name, and make my requests known to You. It humbles me to think on who You are, and how at the same moment You seek Your glory and love me! ...that loving me somehow brings You glory. I am just a gathering of dust - yet You breathed into me and made this dust alive, with Your name and praises on my lips! I love You, Father.

I open Your word tonight, in Your presence and under Your authority - ready to listen and learn and obey - with great reverence and awe.

You are God. You are Holy. You are Mighty. You are Worthy.

And You are my Dad. I love You, Lord. Tonight I simply ask that You would be with me, speaking truth to my heart. I pray I would see You more clearly tonight. I don't want to sleep without having had my eyes opened!

I pray all these to You, Father, in the name and blood of You dear, risen Son - Jesus Christ - in Whom You are well pleased. Amen.

21 February 2006

If there is one thing I have learned, it is that feelings are not reliable. Resolved am I to lead with the will.

22 February 2006

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.

I have been humbled - I see again how far have I to go on this journey of knowing You more. I want it, though. Indeed, I want to know You more.

25 February 2006

He knows [my computer instructor, Mike] I'm a Bible-reading Christian. Now I am held accountable by my conscience to live as one before him - in ALL my ways. To be a godly woman. Loving and gracious, but truthful and holy and not flirting in any way.

Father, I pray for him; I pray You would give opportunities to share the gospel - I pray You would prepare his heart for truth - that You would open his eyes and make Your word LIVING to him. That You would give him understanding and break his will - to desire Yours and follow.

11 March 2006

Overwhelmed with emotions at present. My hands are thrown up in the air. So much is out of control - yet it is perfectly in Your control. I'm tired again. Fed up. Lives and thoughts around me are so ------ IT IS PROFANE! Lord, these situations are profane! What's going on?! Why are You letting Your children be so far off course? I need Your patience and Your understanding, because mine has run out. In and of myself, I am FINISHED. But I do not work only in and of myself, and so Lord, fill me back up, I pray - equip me and ready me and steady me to go on. Pour me out again. Ships may crash, but in the end their lives will be saved. Help me to see beyond the wreak, to the distant Shore of Landing.

Lord, I feel broken - like I just need to be fixed. I wish there was some solution that would make me all better - whole and complete. An answer to all the questions. A step-by-step guide to understanding.

But that's sanctification - a Process in faith that will continue as long as I am in this imperfect body.

Rest, where is it?
When my mind spins and my thought chases...
Empty spots, missing pieces -
My heart wants completeness
Yet finds it not where it should be.
Lord, Your word says in You...
I have You, yet not it.
Don't they go together?
Why the long road?
How many more steps must I take to reach home?
I grow weary and tired, and can't see the end -
Though I know it is there...
I see the faint light, faintly shining -
A glowing from the hearth;
but I am too far to feel its warmth.
Carry me, Lord. Carry me...
Rest, it is there.

14 March 2006

Good morning, Lord. This, another day that You have made. This, a breath of grace that I am still here, serving You and being Yours.

Father, I do not know what today holds. It is an unfolding mystery; new and unlike any other. I pray You be glorified in me today. Open my eyes, Lord. Open my ears and my heart and my mind - and fill me with Yourself.

Truly, thank You for all that is in store - the pleasant and the suffering. If I am granted the priviledge of suffering for Christ's sake today, may I rejoice and be glad in it.

Refine me, Father. It hurts, but I need it. I want to be more like Jesus, and that requires purification by fire. I know in Your timing You will put my feet to the flames again. Thank You for this moment of rest, however brief or long it be.

Thank You for Your word. For the simple abundance and satisfaction of drinking Your honey. Sometimes it, too, is painfull - but indeed it is a pain that brings intimacy and thus joy. Whom You love, You chasten. Chasten unto perfection.

As I open Your beautiful word, Father, please speak to me. Teach me. Soften my hard heart and turn it over. Plant Your wisdom and goodness there - Your grace and truth - and grow much fruit for Your name's sake.

May I be unmistakably Yours, Lord. Unmistakably different and in Love with the King of Creation.

Truly, my God, I love Thee. I woship Thee, and I fear Thee. Your grace is ever more abundant in light of Your power and righteous holiness. Thank You for Your mercy, without which I would be perishing. Make me holy, Lord - that You may be seen. I ask all these only because I am saved by the precious blood of Your spotless Lamb. Thank You, Jesus. In Your Son's name, Father, Amen.

21 March 2006

"I am bound, I am bound for the Promised Land."

Lord, 'overwhelmed' is the word of the moment. Overwhelmed with both ends of the spectrum: so much brokenness that I cannot lend a hand in; so much grace from a God whom I know is mending far better than I ever could.

Overwhelmed by the Beauty I see in Your face... and one day soon I will see You face to face. Overwhelmed that I am indeed bound for Glory - for the Promised Land. I am Yours, Father, and the goodness in that possession overwhelms me.

So much that is about to happen...

I love being a woman; I love Your design for men and women. I love the gift of femininity which You bestowed upon me in the womb, and which You now work out more completely each day.

I pray for all my brothers and sisters today - I pray you work out their masculinity and femininity to make them godly men who lead and initiate, and godly women who respond and adapt; and that TOGETHER inspire the opposite to be more fully what they are as You intend.

I have much to learn, also. Teach me a little more today, I pray, Lord. I want to be more fully Yours today, one little bit closer to Your likeness. Let me be a woman. May Your beauty be mine today.

This moment belongs to You, God. This is Your time. Your plan. Your design. It is neat to see what's coming - yet there is so much unknown. So much yet unveiled. Mystery. It is exciting; it is trying. :) I just will simply have to trust my Faithful Father. I know You have SO MUCH blessing for me. So much goodness. You are probably just as excited to watch me discover each gift. Thank You, Dad. Thank You for everything. In Your Son's name. Amen.

Back to blogging

2006-03-17T14:51:00.000-05:00

The pace again slows down for a brief while as I ready for a journey. Term two of Medical Assistant training finished yesterday, and I'm taking this next modular off class to travel to Ankara, Turkey for the first half of April. There I will be living with a kindergarden and fourth grade teacher (both single Christian women) and helping them in their classrooms. The business administrator of the school is a man from my home church here; he, his wife, and two children moved to Turkey several years ago for this position. Mainly, I go for the relational and cultural experience - and to offer whatever help may be useful.

Until April 2nd, when I depart, I have this rare abundance of time Monday - Thursday when I would normally be at school. The availability is a welcome respite.

I've been reading Elisabeth Elliot's words on masculinity and femininity recently in "The Mark of a Man" and "Let me be a Woman." Now that I'm able to write beyond my daily journallings, I will share some thoughts thereon.

Not today, however. Eli will be here shortly - a two-year-old red head with the firey personality to match his crop - and then I will go to youth group.

Later.

Li'l Oakie's taking the lead

2006-02-17T15:25:00.000-05:00

The wind is jubilant today! New England weather is bizarre - we had a blizzard on Sunday. Wednesday and Thursday the temp was in the 60s. Today it is blusterous to say the least, and the weekend prediction is frigid.

As I drove home this afternoon from discipleship, I couldn't help chuckling at the leaves - in the wind, they looked to be racing each other across the street. Certain ones caught greater gusts and sped ahead of the others, and the course was quite strange: they rushed along the pavement, a road race of sorts, then abruptly turned to rush onto a lawn and jump into a garden. Silly leaves. :)

Perhaps this will clarify some questions

2006-02-09T23:19:00.000-05:00

This is a response to a comment and an email from a reader that may be asking things similar to what others are thinking.

Dear Pascha,

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I will try and share my heart with you - it can be easy to misinterpret each other when we don't know each other at all, really. I want to hear you and respond to what your intent is. Please forgive me if I misread your words - and let me know so I can better understand your heart.

To address your question about moderating comments and deleting those that don't "add to readers' understanding": I definitely don't mean that I only want comments that address God or spiritual thoughts... I was trying to be tactful - but perhaps I should just straight-out say, I will delete comments that have no intention of provoking intelligent thought. I don't mean that arrogantly. It's just that I receive comments that are clearly meant only to degrade or mock without actually reading what I've written. Readers who see "Christian" and automatically judge me and assume I'm stupid and narrow-minded, and so comment without taking the time to try and understand my thought or perspective.

Those are the comments that I am not going to post. If you read what I write and think about it - (please try not to get stuck on every written word - read between the lines a bit as you would with other articles) and have thoughts to add or challenge, AWESOME! My posts tend to be on what I'm learning in Scripture or in life in general - and my faith is central in that learning, but you are welcome to comment on any aspect, spiritual or otherwise.

As for your response to Ram Dass' consolation letter: I'm afraid I mis-represented Ram Dass if the impression left is that he believes the girl was murdered because her work was done. I don't think that was his thought at all, actually. He believed that she died because it was her time to die. If you are able to rent and watch the documentary "Ram Dass" you may understand him better. I definitely don't agree with his thought - there is truth in it, but our motivations are completely different. If you read the post on my blog "God's visible work among my schoolmates" you'll see more of my heart as far as where I agree with Hindu/yoga/Buddhist thought and where I totally disagree and cannot stand behind it. If you have questions regarding that, let me know.

The girl's parents were on the documentary because Dass' letter to them gave them hope and perspective and they were very grateful to him. Again, I don't believe the hope he offered them was, in its essence, a true hope. Ram Dass is not a Christian; his gods are not my God. This may sound arrogant to you - I can only say that I haven't always been a Christian. For the majority of my life I hated God - I didn't believe He existed - and I made fun of Christians and tried to make them stumble as well as I could.

But my heart has been changed, and I truly believe that only Christ offers lasting hope. I can share more of my beliefs in that regard if you wish.

Christians have differing views on what God ordains in our lives and what He allows. The Bible clearly says that He is in control of all that comes to pass. Some believe that He ordains the good and allows the bad. Honestly, I don't believe this. It is hard to swallow, and I don't fully understand it (I may never until I meet Him in heaven), but at this point my thought is that God indeed is sovereign over our every step, and our every choice. Many disagree with me on this - and I'm sure I'll receive angry comments from Christians and non-Christians - but I really don't see humans as having free will in the way it is often thought of.

This is just where I am at right now - I pray for wisdom and knowledge and to continue learning, and I may well be proven wrong. But what I see at this point in my journey is that from God's perspective, our desires and choices are not our own. From our perspective, they are. We need to live our lives with the immediate perspective that our choices are our own - that we're responsible for doing what is right and pleasing to God, according to His word (the bible). We need to work each day to be "better people." And yet, from God's perspective, He already knows each choice we will make. He has a Plan that will come to pass (because God is eternal and has no end or beginning, it has already come to pass to Him. He knows the end already.). This is where my questions come in. If God's sovereign Plan will and is happening, then how are we making free choices? From God's perspective, I don't think we are. But from our perspective, we are. Does that make sense?

I don't know how God can not author evil, and yet evil is in the world He created. Even before humankind came in to being, He had created the angels, and some of the angels turned on Him - are you familiar with how Satan came to be a fallen angel? An unanswered question is, "Where did that sinful desire in Satan come from?" I don't know. And I know of no scholar that does know.

But what I do know is that God is good, and He works all for good, including evil. Even Satan is under the sovereignty of God and cannot do anything without God's permission. And God does permit him. You may like to read the book of Job in the old testament of the bible. In case you're not familiar, Job was a man who loved God (this is before Christ. Job was a Jew - one of God's holy people under the old covenant, looking ahead to the coming of the Messiah (savior) - who Christians believe was Jesus Christ) and was blameless before Him. Satan went to God in heaven and challenged Him, saying that "yeah, Job loves You now while he has lots of children and animals and land. But You take away those things and watch: he'll curse You." (that's me paraphrasing) So God allowed Satan to kill Job's animals. Job still loved God. Then God allowed Satan to kill Job's family. Job still loved God. And one by one, God allowed Satan to take all that Job had, including his health, and Job continued to say that God gave him all, and God could take away all, but he would keep serving Him because He is good. If you're willing, read it. It's really humbling.

Does this all seem really absurd? I guess it makes sense to me because I see the point of my life and all that is in it as being here for God's purposes. It may be sufferable to me - painful, hard, seemingly making no sense - but I know without a doubt that God is good, and I am here to serve Him. I know that whatever comes to pass is the best that could come to pass, because God works things the best way.

I am thankful in all things - I am thankful for suffering that God allows me to go through (or puts me through) because it does indeed test my faith. The thing is, while God gives me trials, He is also right here holding me through those trials. He gives me peace and strength in the midst of them - such that makes no sense to those looking on. I should be falling apart with the tragedy, but I'm not because my God is holding me and loving me and keeping His promise to work all out for good. I know this closeness with Him because I've had to humble myself before Him and accept His lordship over my life. I am not my own - Jesus died a brutal death to pay for my sinfulness so that God can now look on me, and instead of seeing my sinfulness, He sees the perfection of His Son, Jesus, covering me. Does that make sense? Jesus' death is the only thing that allows me to live the life that I now live, and that I will live eternally. Because of that, I owe my life to serving and knowing Him.

This is so hard to write the whole of. There is so much that I'm not writing because it would fill pages upon pages. It's important to share, though, that this service to God that I owe is a priviledge to me. I love being a servant of God. I love that my life belongs to Him and will be used as He wishes. Because it's the best life that I could ever have! It must sound like I'm trapped - but ironically, I am free! :) There is great peace in knowing that my life is unfolding exactly as God wants it to - every minute. Yes, including the pain and suffering.

The suffering is not just bearable, but something to be grateful for, because I know God is working through it, and I know that He's working to complete me more and more until I die and am fully completed. (in heaven, I will be made like Christ - I will be sinless and perfect. That is a hope that keeps me going.) I know that this life is temporary - it is a brief moment in the spanse of eternity. I endure suffering here, knowing that it will soon be over.

Are you seeing more clearly where I'm coming from in my thoughts?

Pascha, thank you for being respectful in your comment and email. I do appreciate that. I am hurt by attacks, though I can deal with them, and they are expected, but it's refreshing to just have a conversation - if typing can be called that. :)

I hope this may have clarified some things for you. Please be gracious with me - I don't have all the answers and I have a lot of growing to do. I mean no offense to you, nor do I want you to feel like you have to be defensive, so I truly apologize if I have offended you or put you on edge in any way.

I hope I will hear from you again.

Thank you,
Amanda

Reflections on "Ram Dass"

2006-02-09T13:24:00.000-05:00

Five themes come to mind upon learning a bit of the thoughts and life of Richard Alpert, now Ram Dass:

SUFFERING TRUTH
FAITH

IDENTITY FREEDOM

It’s so interesting that the themes followed in this order through the film, as they are linked and interdependent as such. One must know suffering to know truth; once truth is found, it compels one to have faith in the findings; faith gives an identity that will not shift with shifting roles; and this identity brings true freedom.

One of our first glimpses into the mind of Ram Dass comes through a consolation letter he wrote to the parents of a murdered daughter – strangers to whom he offered words of peace and encouragement and strength. These words began with an acknowledgement and acceptance of the “burning pain” that he told them they must feel. In honor of their daughter’s life – while understanding that she left because her work here was complete – they must feel and grieve the loss of her bodily presence. They must suffer for her. Yet at the same time, he asked them to look ahead, to see how the experience would make them more compassionate, more loving, and give them greater patience in future trials.

Maharaji ji, an Indian saint and guru of many and particularly of Ram Dass, spoke similarly to Dass, telling him that the whole of his life had been suffering, but that he had come to find joy in the midst of pain, through it even, because it brought him closer to the divine. This is truth. It is through suffering that we learn what sustains us, what our hope is in, where our joy comes from, and where we are along the journey of learning and embracing or rejecting these things. In suffering, we either collapse and fall, collapse and are lifted up higher than we could have stood on our own, or collapse not at all, but rather remain standing with strength and joy that are unexplainable except that they come from outside of ourselves. The first happens if we suffer and deny or reject the truth of our sustenance; the second if we suffer and come to know this truth through it; the third if we know truth already and have faith in its author.

Peter, a leader in the early church, wrote a letter (ca. A.D. 64-65) to other followers of Jesus Christ who were suffering through persecution in Rome. These Christians knew the truth they believed already, and had faith in that truth, but needed strengthening. It works in a cycle: suffering can bring one to a point of finding truth in order to be sustained, and it also strengthens one’s faith in that truth when trials come and the truth is proven. Peter wrote to his brethren in this letter, “In this [the truth of the resurrection of Jesus Christ that you know] you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” If our faith needs to be tested and refined, then we will experience suffering and trials; if our faith is true, then it will be strengthened and proven through them.

When Ram Dass, then Richard Alpert, spoke of his first experiments with LSD I was really interested in what he learned about his identity. When using the drug, he said he was able to look objectively at his life and the roles he lived every day; in this “state of enlightenment” he became frightened because all of those roles, those achievements and titles, separated from his self and left him wondering what his identity was apart from them. Prior to this experience, he had security in his positions: professor, doctoral scholar; security in the Ivy League names: Tufts, Wesleyan, Harvard; security in affluence and familiar connections. Using LSD, he disassociated from those accolades.

It seems comparable to a mother who has been identified by her role as child-raiser for twenty or more years and then as her children leave to start their own adult lives, her role is changed and her identity seemingly lost. She has for so long been “child-raiser,” as Alpert had been “elite member of society,” that when her occupation is gone, so is her self. The unpredictability of one’s life-course (save the fact that it will end – this is always sure) reveals the futility of occupation and the false security that comes with investing one’s self-identification in that occupation. It is not that occupation has no value, or even little value. Particularly with mothering and teaching, these roles are of great importance – both mold lives and impact generations to come. However, the title must not be what defines the person, or they will lose their definition when the position no longer exists.

Ram Dass had a stroke later in life and for a time was identified by his condition. But he came to the realization that, again, his state of being in this life didn’t have to define his self. He then looked back on the start of his illness as having “been stroked” and sought to find the joy in this mode of suffering, how he might use it for good.

“Count it all joy, my brethren, when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing and refining of your faith produces patience, endurance, and perseverance.” These are words written by James, the brother of Jesus Christ, to Jewish followers of the Messiah who were being persecuted ca. A.D. 44-49. Our trials come to us for a purpose. Ram Dass was correct: he was stroked. It didn’t just happen to him arbitrarily. We suffer because we need to be refined, and it is when we understand that and embrace it and are willing to grow – not just deny the situation or reject it or wallow in it, but transcend it – that evil can be used for good.

Often Alzheimer’s patients are considered when thinking about identity. One may have lived a life of the highest prestige, only to slowly forget all that was gained along the way. Is this tragedy? Is the cognitive state of Ronald Reagan, in light of his life’s accolades, tragic? Is he defined only by what he added to this world – things which will perish with time, anyway? Or is there more to a person… can there be more to a person…

We cannot build our selves on the sinking sand of accomplishment or temporary status. Rather, we must – if our lives are to be of any lasting consequence – find truth and be given grace to accept and have faith in that truth. We must be identified not by our paths, but by the author and finisher of the truth and of our faith in it. Identified as such, we will know who we are and that will not change regardless of shifting occupations, fading cognition, or even death. When we are identified in this Truth, then we are finally Free.

Jesus is my guru; He is God

2006-02-07T11:44:00.000-05:00

This is just a draft of thoughts yet to be compiled.

We watched a documentary on Ram Dass today in clinical, and are assigned a reflection paper. Again, thoughts that are so close, yet SO VERY FAR.

SUFFERING

TRUTH

SILENCE

FAITH

IDENTITY

FREEDOM

Using LSD to induce a "religious experience"

Alpert's early questions in his "enlightened" life:

Is spirituality cultural - is the means to "spiritual experience" cultural? (because there are different ways of achieving religious experiences: fasting, drugs, intense music - working up the emotions)
Experiementing with LSD: excited that he could take a pill and have the same experience that Moses had
Is identity separate from the roles lived in day to day life? Where does identity come from?

He came to find that the drug-induced "religious experience" isn't satisfying. He went to India and saw Hindus worshiping and experiencing the same ecstacy without drugs; having the same self and observational awareness - disassociative self-identity - without drugs: Is enlightenment, then, WITHIN him? He met Maharaji ji (Nirim Karoli Baba) who renamed him Ram Dass (servant of god) and became his guru.

Maharaji was/is to Ram Dass what Jesus is to me - EXCEPT (and that's a big except) Jesus is God, and lives. Maharaji was a man, and he's dead. write about this

M's followers bowed to touch his feet as he laid on the ground. Jesus washed His disciples' feet.

M knew the lives of those who came to see him before they told him. one of the speakers compared it to Jesus knowing the life of the woman at the well. M knew all the sin of RD's past life and loved him anyway - RD's first experiencing of unconditional love. RD calls M his "map" leading him to the divine. When RD asked M "how do I get in line [with the divine]?" M replied, "Serve people and feed people." Reminds me of Jesus asking Peter, "Do you love Me? Then feed My sheep." But the Christian serves and feeds out of obedience to and worship of his God, not for furtherance of the self, or greater enlightenment.

M advises RD to "always trust your inner voice." Sort of like our culture's urging to "follow your heart" - but as struck me in Voddie Baucham's sermons on love and marriage, the human heart is wicked and full of deceit; it is to be guarded and searched for hidden sin, not trusted or followed.

Ram Dass - after his stroke - came to learn that spirituality isn't about an "experience" or emotional high.

God's visible work among my school-mates

2006-02-03T09:48:00.000-05:00

One downside to the present: I have hardly any time to blog! :) BUT this morning I am at school making up four hours that I missed on Monday (went to a funeral) and my homework is complete, so I can write again! woohoo!

God has been blowing me away as usual... I am continuously amazed at what He can do with such a broken vessel as myself - all to His glory. It seems wherever I go, He places people in my path that simply want to be loved and spoken truthfully to, and He is faithful to love them through me and gently nudge when He wishes to speak through me.

I'd begun a post last week about my clinical instructor, but never had time to finish writing it. :) It's now a bit dated, so I will start over. Each module here at School is only five weeks - not a whole lot of time to really know someone and gain their trust. But God is gracious and able.

My instructor's name is Bethany (please pray for her salvation) and she is a yogi. I never cease to see AWESOME coolness in how God uses our pasts to make us relatable to those He needs us to relate to. See, I was a yogi. And not a wannabe. :) I trained with a woman who was trained by THE yoga guru in the United States (Baron Baptiste). And I attended a weekend conference with #2 guru in the U.S., Rolf Gates (and he gave me a copy of the book he authored on the yoga lifeways). My teachers in NH wanted me to train to be a teacher, also. I loved, and still do, the "meditation in movement" and physical dance of yoga. My heart worships God in movement - I can't really explain it. But when they encouraged me to become a teacher, I began to study the philosophy behind yoga and Hinduism.

My body took to yoga naturally, and my attitude and lifeway - at first glance - appear to mesh with the yogic attitude and lifeway. The pieces of truth in yogic and Hindu thought that I lived before them are Truths in God's Word, and so to their eyes I was a perfect fit. But the thing is, our essences are completely different, and in conflict with each other. A yogi's lifeway is founded in self-awareness and being one with the consciousness of all beings; my lifeway is founded in Jesus Christ and being one with the Father through Him by the power of the Spirit. My lifeway leads to Life eternal; the yogi's leads to death. The resulting evidences have similarities, but the motivating essences are dangerously incompatible.

Within the first few days of classes, Bethany made her beliefs and lifestyle known - sharing with us "profound words" from Buddhist philosophers and contemporary yogis. I wondered how I might eventually speak to her about Jesus, as the people firmly grounded in "good lies" are usually most closed to the truth. She took a liking to me, however: nicknamed me "Sunshine" and appreciated what I added to class discussion. Still, a few weeks went by without any nudging from the Spirit to respond to her favorite quotations, even though they could all either be expounded upon or contradicted by the ever more profound words of our Creator.

Then last week she began to open to us, sharing more personal experiences and asking us our input. She told us about her boyfriend, a man twelve years her senior - also a yogi - and her insecurities and assurances within their relationship. We had a general conversation about relationships and ages within them - about compatible maturity (spiritual and emotional) being of importance more than a number. She asked us if we had boyfriends (we're all women in class - ranging in age from 18 to mid-30's). We actually went around the room sharing. A single 19 year old with a baby, 24 year old beginning a divorce, 20 year old dating a 39 year old "loser - I always date losers," my friend Terry who's 25 and single, a mid-30 year old divorced with a daughter and single, a 30 year old divorced with a son and daughter and with a "significant other," and me.

"I've chosen not to date." I just want to be friends with the men that come into my life, so that we can get to really know each other and trust each other. And if there comes a point where we DO know each other WELL and trust each other and being together forever makes sense, and we love each other romantically, then we'll get married.

I believe that was a bit of a shocker. :) haha. I'm 22 and I've chosen not to have a boyfriend. Ever. It is a bit unusual. And yet, like a good yogi, Bethany accepted that mindset and said, "See, that's why you can't put people in boxes. You never know where they're at in their thinking, and what's right for one person may be completely different from what's right for another." or something like that.

Beth mentioned that she'd taken a couple of years away from dating to sort herself out because she'd kept getting into unhealthy relationships, perhaps similar to the ones my classmates are or have been in. I shared that I'd been learning the importance of knowing my own identity before I become part of a couple so that my husband and I can complement each other rather than rely on each other for completeness. Of course, that identity is in Christ, and only He can complete us. But I didn't share that, yet.

A connection was made in that class. We were no longer just students and a teacher. And I felt a nudging.

After class, I asked Bethany if she'd ever studied with Rolf Gates. I thought that would resonate with her, and it did. She lit up and said excitedly, "See, I knew it! I said to myself (she always talks like this when she's excited about something :) it's cute). I said to myself, 'That Amanda is in a different space.' It all makes sense now." And I said, "You're right, I am in a different space. But I'm not a yogi, I'm a Christian." And I talked about studying yoga and the philosophy and studying the similarities between that and Christianity. But I didn't go into depth. And then I recommended taking class with Rolf if she ever gets the chance because he's an amazing teacher. And it was time to go.

Other conversations followed that class into the cafeteria - with Tracy (the 30-something with a little girl), and Terry (my single 25 yr old friend)... questions that were raised from earlier. There is so much I could share.

Tracy wanted to know more about yoga and my beliefs and how they were similar and different. So I shared. Terry is a believer, but admittedly has walked away from the Lord. I'll write more about her because it's just so amazing. I'm so grateful to be a part of these unfolding stories!

This week, God revealed more to my classmates and Bethany. I will write the continuance in a separate post.

Please keep me in prayer, and those in my life (I know they come and go. This time is so precious.): that God would work mightily, unhindered by any sin on my part. That He would reveal Himself in full truth and with effective grace to save the souls of His own. Thank You, Father, that I may love and teach and share and learn from these women. I am so priviledged and so thankful. May You give Life to my friends and make them my sisters. May You draw Terry back to Yourself and overwhelm her with Love. Oh, Lord, free her from any entanglements and be the only Man she desires. Be enough for her, Jesus. I love these women, Lord, and I want nothing more than for them to love You. Your will be done, as always. I pray in the name of my Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Thanks be to Curtis in Seafood

2006-02-03T09:47:00.000-05:00

ok, Curtis. I'll play along. But I'm not tagging anyone. If you, readers, wish to share likewise, feel free to leave your responses in comments.

Four jobs I've had:

1. Letting out and cleaning up after Mrs. Goegle's six terriers when I was 10 - for $1.50 a day. One of them was old - Willie - and I carried him into the yard like a baby. Mrs. G got quite a kick out of that. The early money I saved working for her bought my first pair of pointe shoes for ballet. It took me just under two months.

2. I collected carriages at the grocery store when I turned 16 - my record was 12 carriages at once. I almost lost control of them. haha. That's where I met my highschool boyfriend who was a cashier.

3. I made and sold popcorn (along with sodas and candy) at a movie theater - that was such a fun job. We had only a cash drawer to work out of, so we had to add up the prices in our heads and make change the old fashioned way. :) And get their order together with a smile and an "Enjoy the movie!" I loved it!

4. I worked at St. John Boutique in Manhattan. Cashiering, wrapping gifts with fancy ribbons and bows, answering phones, tracking shipments, placing and receiving orders with other boutiques (they are international, though we only traded sales nationally) over the phone, following up with clients to make sure they were satisfied with their orders... stock checks, serving at the bar to the husbands. :) haha! THAT cracked me up. We served free "perrier" and sodas and champagne. Yes, it was THAT kind of boutique. :) I loved being behind the scenes, making sure everything ran smoothly. And I especially loved working over the phone with other boutiques - they appreciated my obsessive-compulsive tendencies because they knew I'd take care of them well. :)

5. (I know, it only said four) I worked as an assistant teacher in a room full of two year olds for a year and a half. I LOVE TWO YEAR OLDS. And all kiddos, but that age is especially fond to me. They go from toddling babies to complete-sentence-speaking, potty-going little people all within a year. Yes, they learn to say NO! and push all sorts of boundaries, and many go through biting phases, but that's all workable. They're curious and excited and affectionate, and once trained well they follow directions and are... GREAT.

Four movies I could watch over and over:

1. The Four Feathers. I have watched it over and over :) And will continue to.
2. Forrest Gump
3. Amelie
4. Braveheart

Four books I could read over and over:

1. Don't Waste Your Life (John Piper)
2. Passion and Purity (Elisabeth Elliot)
3. Ender's Game
4. Currently reading over and over: 1Peter

Four places I have lived: (I guess four must be THE number)

1. New Hampshire (I grew up here, and now live here again)
2. Bronx, NY (after high school, I lived in the Belmont neighborhood for a year)
3. Langley, British Columbia, Canada (I went to Trinity Western University for Fall semester, 2003)
4. I've spent summers at dance schools in Carlisle, Pennsylvania; Torrington, Connecticut; Durham, North Carolina.

Four places I've been on vacation:

1. Granby, Colorado (my roommate from TWU, Stacy, lived there. She's now married in B.C.) My dormies roadtripped down for spring break, and I flew out to meet them.
2. Colton, Oregon; drove to Vancouver, B.C. (flew out to stay with my sister Karissa and her fam, and then drove to Stacy's wedding)
3. Went to Disney World in Orlando when I was 10.
4. Oh! Washington, D.C. when I was 14. That was SO awesome. I loved that city. I love architecture and history, and parks. I remember lots of tulips. :)

Four favorite foods:

Only FOUR??! :) I love food. Good, healthy food, that is. Well, and ice cream. :)

1. lasagna (with spinach mixed into the ricotta, and sauteed veggies in the sauce. Lots of garlic. Whole wheat noodles. mmmm
2. Homemade bread, fresh out of the oven
3. Ice cream, of course. Mint chocolate chip. I recently discovered Turkey Hill frozen yogurt. SO GOOD!
4. chai tea with milk and honey

Four places I'd like to be:

1. Home with my Lord - FOREVER!! Are you coming today, Lord?
2. In Thailand with Karissa
3. In Chicago with Luke
5. In Abbotsford with Stacy - seeing her about to have her first baby! (she's eight months pregnant :) ) And stay there to help her for a few months.
6. In Pasadena with Julie and James (my roommate in da Bronx and her awesome husband)
7. you know, I am glad to be right where I am. I miss all my friends far away, but God has me HERE, and He is using me here. I love my church family here and my new friends and my family with all our differences... I am excited for where God may take me (though I have no idea where!), but that will come in time. Truly, what better place to be than where our Sovereign, Loving Father has brought us.

That's all I have to say about that.

How Sweet and Aweful is the Place

2006-01-30T07:17:00.000-05:00

My friend Dave shared this hymn by Isaac Watts with me last night. I share with you. :)

How sweet and awesome is this place
[originally How sweet and aweful is the place]
With Christ within the doors,
While everlasting love displays
The choicest of her stores!

Here every bowel of our God
With soft compassion rolls;
Here peace and pardon bought with blood
Is food for dying souls.

While all our hearts and all our songs
Join to admire the feast,
Each of us cry, with thankful tongues,
“Lord, why was I a guest?

“Why was I made to hear Thy voice,
And enter while there’s room,
When thousands make a wretched choice,
And rather starve than come?”

’Twas the same love that spread the feast
That sweetly drew us in;
Else we had still refused to taste,
And perished in our sin.

Pity the nations, O our God!
Constrain the earth to come;
Send Thy victorious Word abroad,
And bring the strangers home.

We long to see Thy churches full,
That all the chosen race
May with one voice, and heart and soul,
Sing Thy redeeming grace.

Amen! Here is a link to the titles (and quite a few texts) of 495 of the hymns Isaac Watts wrote in his lifetime. Even simply reading the titles is a blessing.

2006-01-20T14:35:00.000-05:00

Week Two of CMA training is complete! Four exams down! Next week is our midterm for this first "mod" (every five weeks we begin two new courses). The studying is intense, but I love what I'm learning, and I very much like seeing A's at the top of my tests. We've been practicing doing patient interviews and taking vital signs this week in clinical, which has been a lot of fun - I look forward to doing it "for real" in the coming months, though I'm not sure what setting I will work in.

In a couple of hours I will go to visit my mom at her apartment for the first time. If you are reading this then, pray for us, please. I'm not sure what to expect from her or myself, really. I will listen to the Spirit. Father, may I open my mouth with wisdom; may the teaching of kindness be on my tongue. Tenderize my heart, I pray, and love her through me.

This morning walking from the parking lot to the school building (a couple blocks away) I crossed the street and caught eyes with a young man stepping out of his car. He was a senior in high school when I was a freshman, and I recognized him almost right away. He smiled and I smiled back tilting my head sideways as I do when I am intrigued or questioning and said, "Matt?" And he looked confused for a second and then smiled again, a little one, and said, "How are ya?" I assumed by the first smile that he recognized me, but guessing from the second, confused one, I don't think he did. Anyway, I didn't have time to stop and chat. I'm not sure why I'm blogging about it even, except that it's always a bit strange seeing someone who was once daily in your life, and then hasn't been thought of for years. He could be a completely different person from when I last "knew" him - he could be a new creation. hm.

Well, I have an hour and a half before I meet my mom. yes! I can read my Bible and write a letter to my Lord. I love doing that.

I hope you are well, reader. I'm signing off.

2006-01-14T11:29:00.000-05:00

"He who formerly persecuted us now preaches the faith which he once tried to destroy."

Galatians 1:23

This is the power of God's mercy: to love a sinner who hates Him and give him such grace that after nailing Jesus Christ to the cross, mocking His Lordship, stabbing His side, and scorning His Death, the very blood from those wounds he inflicted would be the blood that cleansed him of all guilt.

Such a man was I.

How deep the Father's love for us,

How vast beyond all measure;

That He should give His only Son,

To make a wretch His treasure.

How great the pain of searing loss,

The Father turns His face away,

As wounds which mar the Chosen One,

Bring many sons to glory.

Behold the Man upon a cross,

My sin upon His shoulders;

Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice,

Call out among the scoffers.

It was my sin that held Him there,

Until it was accomplished;

His dying breath has brought me life!

I know that it is finished.

I will not boast in anything,

No gifts, no power, no wisdom,

But I will boast in Jesus Christ:

His death and resurrection.

Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer,

But this I know with all my heart:

His wounds have paid my ransom.

Game on!

2006-01-07T08:59:00.000-05:00

If there are any Youth Groupies reading this: I love you guys! Man, we have so much fun. Last night we played hockey -

some Amandahistory:

when I was younger I got so intimidated by sports of any kind. In school I hated gym class because there were always those guys who were super athletes and played competitively and didn't really care that it crushed your little girl heart to be made fun of for having no coordination, or for shooting and always missing. :) I mean, I was good at some things (like the gymnastics segment... ok, that's it, really).

My parents and brother worked on teaching me to play catch a bit later. My mom recently admitted that my inability bewildered her... and that it wasn't until my dad made me really angry that I threw the ball at him with accuracy and enough speed for it to reach him. Then I saw that I could indeed throw a baseball, and Heath and I played catch regularly, seeing how long we could go without dropping it.

Oh! This was fun: Dad brought home inner tubes from Truck tires, and Heath would stand on one so that I'd throw the ball way high, and he'd bounce up to catch it.

But anyway, it's so fun to play sports-type games with the Youth Group because I no longer care that my technique isn't the greatest (or anywhere near) - and because the Groupies are so good at playing together. No one is excluded or put down (there's definite joshing around, but it's in love - and everyone knows it). They cheer each other on and challenge each other and it's just an awesome, fun time of being brothers and sisters!

Moved, settling, beginning

2006-01-04T12:30:00.000-05:00

2006 began a new year (to state the obvious) and a bit of a new course in my life. The next stone in my pathway has been laid in front of the one I'm on, and I'm right at that point of transferring weight from old to new. I've learned (the less-easy way) not to try and place my own stones, marking out the path several steps ahead, because inevitably just as I've announced where I'll be leaping to after this and then that and then such... God says, "Um, no you won't, Amanda. You're staying right where you are until I place the next stone, and then you'll go there."

So for the past while, since things have been up in the air in different areas and ways, I've been asked "What are you going to do? What's your plan?" etc., and I've said, "I don't know, yet. I'm waiting." Which interestingly isn't always a welcome response. Somehow giving a self-made answer that will likely not turn out appeases the multitude more than an I don't know right now, but when God makes a way, I'll do that. Thankfully, appeasing the multitudes is not a driving purpose for my life, and there is SO much blessing in waiting to follow the Lord, and being taken where I wouldn't have believed if I'd been told. ;)

I'm now living with a family from church. It's been three years since I lived with all believers everyday - I'd forgotten how truly good it is to simply be accepted as who I am in Christ, without question. To have scripture hanging on the walls and bookshelves with godly instruction; for prayer to be expected as we sit down together for dinner; to have friends be welcome visitors whom the family wants to know... what a relieving home culture.

This afternoon I'll attend orientation for the Medical Assistant training program that begins on Monday. In nine months I will be a certified M.A. But that's the next stone - for the moment I'm beginning training. :) The school schedule fits quite perfectly with my deli schedule - the closing shift at work begins half an hour after I get out of class, and the store is only a short drive away. I have Fridays off from both work and school so I can continue meeting with the Ladies' Bible study and the Kids' Club and Youth Group at night. And finally, Sunday will be for the Lord and resting. I so look forward to that.

When God places the next stone and says, "This is next, my child. It is good," then I'll let you know where I'm headed. For now I stand content on this one, knowing that it, indeed, is good.

I hope you all enter the new year ready and resolved to not waste it; to walk with Christ as the blazing focal point, leading you in and to His glory. May He bless you and keep you: Praise God! For His name's sake, He will!:)

O, Come

2005-12-23T23:24:00.000-05:00

Christmastime is the epitome of Life Abundant for me. It's interesting, I always paired abundant life with joyful life. But a couple weeks ago that definition broadened: it is deeper joy, yes. But also deeper sorrow. Life to the full - not just the upside of life. I feel in ways I never did before. Christmas holds such a mix of rejoicing and trembling. The birth of Christ looks ahead to the death of Christ, and the suffering there, as well as the hope.

This evening I went caroling with some folks from church to three homes of elderly Body members. I look at their lives, of 70+ years walking with the Lord, and I'm overwhelmed by God's faithfulness and their faithfulness. Dusty and Ethel are both in their 90's and married. Dusty was part of our church when it was founded. His health is failing quickly, but his faith is steady - his Hope is sure. He said tonight that he'd prayed the Lord would let him see Christmas, and He has. He sat on the couch, his wife's hand between his, as we sang to him of this Holy Night when Jesus was born, calming fears, bringing Light, making a way for His people. We sang of the closeness of Heaven; these loved ones are close. We may all be close - a life is a vapor - but most of us will live for many more years.

For Dusty and Ethel, Duncan and Betty; for Lucy, the journey is nearing its destination. Soon they will be with Jesus, the God we sing of as a babe in a manger. What child is this? He is our King, and He is our God. Fall on your knees and hear the angels' voices: they know who He is, and they worship Him accordingly. By grace, I do as well. Tonight I remember my Savior's birth, and I am awed, overjoyed, and brought to a place of bowed reverence before the Almighty. Not many years ago I would have searched out Jesus to slay him as Herod. Tonight I thank my Lord for loving me anyway, and allowing me to wash His feet with my tears.

O, most Holy night: when Christ, our Savior, was born.

Thoughts from Perelandra

2005-12-20T13:55:00.000-05:00

"You think times have lengths. A night is always a night whatever you do in it, as from this tree to that is always so many paces whether you take them quickly or slowly. I suppose that is true in a way. But waves do not always come in equal distances." (p. 60)

"Among times there is a time that turns a corner and everything this side of it is new." (p. 62)

"But how can one wish any of those waves not to reach us which Maledil [God] is rolling towards us?" (p. 68)

"You make me grow older more quickly than I can bear." (p. 68)

Perhaps I'll reflect on these later.

Watch 7:22 Love and Marriage Series

2005-12-14T20:31:00.000-05:00

When you have an hour (or more) to spare - and MAKE time because this is SO GOOD - go to www.722.org and click on "Watch 7:22" and then click on the "Love and Marriage Series" button, and begin with Part One. Or just click HERE and scroll down to Part One. It is SO good.

An excerpt from Part One: In the Beginning~

"My prayer for you is that you would not buy the lie of this culture that sees marriage as a merger; that you would not buy the lie of this culture that says it's temporary; that you would not buy the lie of this culture that says it's just about you being satisfied and comfortable; that you would not buy the lie of this culture that says it's about you finding the prettiest person that you could possibly find and stare at them until they don't look so pretty anymore.

"I pray that you would grab ahold of this concept: God desires to use you for His glory and His honor, and part of that may include that He would bring one along side you who would send you along further than you could have ever gone by yourself; and with whom you can bear and raise children who come to know and serve the LORD, and go on even further still.

"Don't buy the lie; the truth is so much more gratifying, so much more satisfying, so much more real."

AMEN.

A Month of Learning

2005-12-05T00:07:00.000-05:00

Deep breath... aah... pleasant relaxation. Tonight rest surrounds me. Snow covers all outside and brings with it quiet peace. For a moment the world looks pure. Sitting in the living room earlier, I felt like I was in a snowglobe: the Christmas tree lights twinkling (to be as cliche as possible :) ) and reflecting off the ornaments and cranberries; Christmas music playing and carrying with it the encouragement of God's redemptive Plan and incorruptible Son - our inheritance; a warm cup of chai in my hands and an afghan wrapped 'round me, as I break from writing Christmas cards to take a sip. Mmmm.

What? You haven't seen that in a snowglobe? :)

As I sat writing, thinking, enjoying, my mom sorted through her slides at the kitchen table. Tiny film slides evoking memories and stories of my brother and I as babes; of her and my father dating; of her brothers and young parents on family vacations... How can she leave all this behind and start out with someone who knows nothing of her past firsthand? I don't understand it.

She has been sorting also her belongings, asking if I would like this or that, or if I think Heath would. No, mom, things mean little. We want you, and we want our family to be whole. There is an ache for things being taken, but the ache is not that they go, rather that she goes with them. The ache is that we are a family - albeit a broken, unredeemed, very imperfect one - but a family nonetheless. The ache is how much my dad loves her - more than any other man could - and how she is willing to hurt us all to please herself with something that will likely not last. But more than any of that, the ache - the deep, brutal, scathing pain - is that she forsakes her Lord and denies ever having loved Him.

But I know - I KNOW! - and I am strong because I know this - that she is in her Lord's hand, in her Father's hand, even now, and none is able to snatch her out. I know that God has saved her for His own glory, and He will preserve her for His name's sake. God is faithful - He can be nothing else. And I can only trust Him. In His timing, He will draw my mom back to Himself because He has promised to keep His own. It may not be for years - she may hurt herself and many others between now and then, but in the day of Glory, she will bow before Him, confess His name, and be counted as one of His sheep whose name was written in the Book of the Lamb Slain before time began. Praise God!

I have learned much in the past couple of months. I have been humbled and crushed, and lifted up and exalted in my dear Lord. I have been filled with joy and peace and strength that cannot be understood apart from Grace. And I have come to know my God, my Love, as I have never known Him before. And so I thank God for this trial - and I will continue to thank Him - because through it my Hope shines ever brighter, a Hope found only in the perfect Blood of Christ.

I have learned - truly - what Christian family is. I would not be standing anywhere near as strong as I am without my brothers and sisters. It seems I would not stand at all without them - though I know I would, because my Lord is faithful. I am so grateful. I think I may have been seen at my worst in recent weeks - and been loved without waver at my worst. I've been sealed in the knowing that my strength comes from God - from His Word. Nothing is more encouraging than being reminded of who He is and what He has promised. Only brethren can encourage with absolute truth.

*For His own glory, for His name's sake, God killed His Son; for that same glory He preserves His flock. He will not let them go.

*God sees our tears, our every moment; He holds us in His hand and will not leave us to struggle alone. He is our Dad.

*Christ Himself bore our sins in His own body on the cross; His stripes have healed us: "This is My body broken for you. Take this and eat it in remembrance of Me." We are redeemed with the incorruptible, precious blood of Christ - a Lamb without blemish: "This is My blood shed for you. Drink in remembrance of Me." Christ tore off the bread and handed it to His disciples. He passed the cup. When we take communion, it is Jesus, our Lord and Savior, serving us! How precious a moment as we partake of His suffering, from His hand, and are united as we partake of Him together; united in the new covenant of His Blood.

God is good, brothers and sisters! He is FAITHFUL. This life is but a moment in eternity, a vapor in the wind. His chosen are chosen, and He will glorify His name.

Calmer of the Storm

2005-11-29T00:59:00.000-05:00

When everything is wrong,
Day has passed and nothing's done,
And the whole world seems against me;
When I'm rolling in my bed,
There's a storm in my head;
I'm afraid of sinking in despair.

Teach me, Lord, to have faith that what You're bringing me
will change my life and bring You glory.
There on the storm I am learning to let go
of the will that I so long to control.
There may I be in Your arms eternally;
I Thank You, Lord, You are the calmer of the storm.

You rebuke the winds and the waves,
Once again I find I'm amazed
at the power of Your will.
'Cause I'm a child of little faith,
I feel the wind and forget Your grace,
And You say, "Peace, be still."
Teach me, Lord, to have faith that what you're bringing me
will change my life and bring You glory.

There on the storm I am learning to let go
of the will that I so long to control;
There may I be in Your arms eternally.
Thank You, Lord, You are the calmer of the storm.

Oh, when the torrent blows in the middle of the sea
May I never trust, never trust in me.
'Cause there in Your arms I find no tragedy.

There on the storm I am learning to let go;
The white waves high, it's crashing over the deck,
And I don't know where to go.
Where are You Lord?
Is this ship going down?
The mast is gone, so throw the anchor;
Should I jump and try to swim to land?

There on the storm,
Teach me, God, to understand of Your Will that I just cannot control.
There may I see all Your love protecting me;
I thank You, Lord, You are the calmer of the storm.

2005-11-26T22:24:00.000-05:00

Tonight my brother speaks truth to deaf ears.

Beautiful Writing

2005-11-25T10:53:00.000-05:00

"The water gleamed, the sky burned with gold, but all was rich and dim, and
his eyes fed upon it undazzled and unaching. The very names of green and gold, which he used perforce in describing the scene, are too harsh for the
tenderness, the muted iridescence, of that warm, maternal, delicately gorgeous
world. It was mild to look upon as evening, warm like summer noon, gentle and
winning like early dawn. It was altogether pleasurable. He sighed."

from Perelandra by C.S. Lewis

Giving Thanks

2005-11-23T22:08:00.000-05:00

I came home from work tonight and sat at the table in the kitchen, Mom and Dad on the couch in the living room. There's an open entry-way between the rooms, so we're actually pretty close together. Dad said (with assurance, confidence, and decidedness), "I'm doing grace this year, Amanda."

"Cool," I replied. Because that's exactly what it is.

Dance with Me

2005-11-23T11:14:00.000-05:00

These are the lyrics of a new favorite song that Karissa gave me:

Many songs will fade away,
And few things will remain.
Melodies and harmonies will change;
Melodies and harmonies will change.
But I'm hearing a new song;
But I'm hearing a new song.

I'm beginning to hear the angels cry, "Holy!"
Oh, love song of God, rise in me!
I'm surrounded by You,
Here in Your glory.
Oh, love song of God, rise in me!

I want to be romanced by the King of the Ages,
I don't want to sing of a passion I've never known.
I want to get lost in the beauty of Jesus,
To dance through the night around Your throne.

I want to be romanced by the King of the Ages,
I don't want to sing of a passion I've never known.
I want to get lost in the beauty of Jesus,
To dance through the night around Your throne.

To dance through the night around Your throne.

So dance with Me,
Dance with Me;
Dance with Me,
Dance with Me.

I want to be romanced;
I want to be romanced...

I want to be romanced by the King of the Ages,
I don't want to sing of a passion I've never known,
Want to get lost in the beauty of Jesus,
To dance through the night around Your throne...

To dance through the night around Your throne..

I just want to dance with You,
Another time around Your throne...

"Dance with Me"
Evan C. Earwicker

click here for lyrics and chords.

Any Grandad of hers is a Grandad of mine

2005-11-21T21:52:00.000-05:00

My dear, dear friend Karissa is visiting right now. We were dormies at Trinity Western University, Fall 2003. In May I went to her home in Oregon and stayed about a week with her three sisters, two brothers, and a handful of her brother's friends who were as comfortable there as anyone. I became a family member that week, after receiving the Grandad Lecture when we spent the day at Oma and Grandad's for Mother's Day:

Eat well, exercise, go to school, make sure you marry a good man. That was the gist of it. Within that context came all sorts of advice on dietary supplements, being useful to God (not just waiting around to get married), keeping my head on straight (not using drugs or being generally excessive with anything), getting to know that man before I go committing my life to him.

All good things, certainly. And he'd never met me before, so how could he know what wisdom I'd already been given and had decided to live out in my life?

Thinking of Grandad, I can only smile - he simply cared about me, and I love that. He left no doubt of his affection: when we readied to leave, he requested a hug with a simple, "Come here, beautiful," and open arms. Were only my own kin so generous.

Growing up in the LORD... Bronx, NY (2002, age 19)

2005-11-14T22:00:00.000-05:00

I enjoy looking back through my first days as a Christian, and seeing the work of the LORD in my heart and life. Reminisce with me, if you please. These journal entries were written in the first few months that I lived in New York. I'd been committed to following Jesus for about a year (beginning September of my senior year of high school when my friend Jessi began discipling me. I graduated in June and moved to NYC on 16 August 2002).

Excerpted from Journal on 22 August 2002 (six days after moving to the Bronx):

This book [The Pleasures of God by John Piper] is so awesome: How much more I need to delight in the glory of God and His Son and creation. His sovereignty is so amazing. I pray that I would trust it already. I feel these uncertainties that to me ARE indeed uncertain, but to God are already solved and complete and GOOD in Him. I pray that I would feel wholly certain in God's certainty.

23 August 2002:

Right now I would like to go for a long bike ride through country roads, run the three mile circle around my neighborhood, listen to nothing but the birds and the wind.

The pigeons are taking their bath in the rain puddle on the building across the street. Six of them. As always, I hear cars, alarms, people yelling, talking, car doors slamming, a truck backing up, Julie eating an apple. I am homesick for quiet.

26 August 2002:

I feel like God is placing it on my heart to help the nations of this world. To help the children. To show compassion and find the justice in foreign policy. To bring love and compassion to foreign policy. To spread the love of Jesus Christ. To write about what's going on in the world and how we need to help. To learn the cultures, beliefs, histories, politics, arts, musics, dances, sports, the lives of the world so that I can be one with them and show them Jesus. Or tell them about Him. If I can up and move to and live in New York, I can do it anywhere.

Here I have at my fingertips so much information and people of so many cultures. I need to get to the museums and library and start learning. There are so many facets of human life.

I'm feeling like one of the hugest reasons God brought me here was to show me where to go next. So with God's will, if He has it for me, perhaps I go to school next year, graduate in three with my class, and begin world travels. Hopefully with a husband who also wants to share Jesus with the world. But it is all God's will and plan. So I will pray and stay in the Word, and He will reveal my path to me.

20 September 2002:

I'm reading Luke for my devotions this week. I love reading about Jesus. I wish I could read about His life growing up! But I don't know where it'd be. I guess in the four apostles - or maybe apostle is the wrong title... anyway...

28 September 2002:

How often I sit and think about my life - where I've been and where I hope to go. And I'm so grateful that God is a part of me now. Showing and teaching me always, giving me perspective and, hopefully, wisdom. Do I dwell too much on the past? Reminiscing about old friends and memories. It's very different to be in a place where people don't know me. I grew up in a school with the same kids. We knew each other not just by face or name, but by person. To start fresh is difficult. I like the person God has molded me into, so the "clean slate" appeal is rather irrelevant. I like small towns - quiet, privacy, intimacy, closeness... It is a completely different culture from the city. I look forward to settling there someday and raising a family.

I am glad, however, to be sampling a taste of this life. Glad that I now know it's not my preference! :) Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine I am sitting on the big rock under the stars, and I can hear the tree frogs and crickets and whip-or-whills and smell the grass and trees on the breeze. Feel the light wind across my face and through my hair. Only to be awakened by a car alarm or swearing mother lost in hopelessness and rashing out as her only release. And my heart aches and cries and longs not for my own peace, but for hers. And for the children who are helpless and just as lost as their mom. Love is not too much to ask for, but is so often too much to give here. So I pray. Because what else can I do?

8 October 2002:

There is a dog in the building who never makes any happy sounds. He howls so sadly. It breaks my heart and I want to kidknap him and bring him to New Hampshire.

I'll continue sharing more excerpts from this journey in the coming days.

She is a fighter! Meet Rory:

2005-11-11T13:47:00.000-05:00

Here is a recent post from Rory, a just-turned-fifteen year old girl with Leukemia and a beautiful heart in love with Jesus, fighting for life but submitted to His will. Read and be amazed.

hey everyone..i dont have much to say today. just another ordinary "germ free" day...woo...hoo...

i love you all for your comments...everyone of you are amazing and i am so thankful for you guys.

so my brothers, yes all 12 of them, sent me a monkey w toe socks on..lol..they are incredible, i love monkies and toesocks, and i begged and begged my nurses to let me have it in my room, so they finally sanitized it for me, and i get to cuddle it and have a lil happiness in my room. and knowing its from my brothers makes it 1000x better. i miss all of them so much. i miss Rob the most, we are identical twins and we have never been apart for more than a day. this is torture for us both and of course the rest of my family.

i cannot breath very well anymore, i have to wear one of those oxygen masks full time now. my Dr. wont tell me straight out why this is happening, but i know. it is b/c im starting to lose my battle. but im not done fighting! it is not my time to go yet, i know it. God will let me know when i need to quit fighting and let him take me home. and it is not right now.

one of the perks to being in isolation, is...sound proof walls. so i can listen to music. that is the only perk, but hey, its a good one i guess lol. i have been listening to Casting Crowns, and Matthew West, and Relient K. those are my 3 favrit bands. they keep my spirits up, somewhat, i guess. whch is good.

i read Psalms 31 last night. and it reminds me of what sooo many people are going through, not just me, many many many more people are going through the same and worse. i would type it, but i am so tired, and i just finished chemo for today and dont feel to good. so if you read this, read Psalms 31 and pray for all of those people and children and teens who are being bullied, or going through cancer, or anything that is important to them and you that may not be somthing as big, but is huge to them. we all have our own mountain to climb, whether it be chemo or just going to school, or facing a person. it is hard for you or that pwrson and they need our prayers to.

well, that is all i have for now, your all in my prayers as well....

rory

Earlier in the week she wrote:

I saw somthing that really amazed me today. i have a window in my room that looks out into the PICU (pediatrics intensive care unit), it is there so nurses can look in on me incase somthing was to happen and i needed help and just to check in on me. today, i saw a couple that could not have been more than 18, either that or they just looked very young...they have a newborb baby across the hall that i can see perfectly. it is a girl, she is so tiny, i asked about her to one of my nurses, and she told me the baby was only 5 months along when she was born. she weighs only 1lb! she is so tiny. and she cannot breath on her own or even eat. but she is now 6 days old. she shouldnt have survived the night she was born. she is just a tiny thing and she is so strong, the nurse tells me she has such a strong grip, it would amaze me. she is such a small baby, i cant believe she is a human, how God could make such a tiny little girl, and how he could make her be so strong! it shows me, that, God can make tiny miracles just like her, he can let her survive, and i pray that she does make it. because she is adorable and is perfect other then her weight and not being able to breath or eat. but if she can just fight, she will be able to eat on her own, breath on her own someday. she has no mental disabilities or anything like that. she was simply born to early. but my point was, if a tiny innocent helpless baby can fight that strongly, i can to. i was about ready to give up and let go, i was, and i still am so tired, but i want to graduate high school, and graduate college. i want to be a forensic scientist, and get married and have a family, before i go home w/ God and Jesus. and i am determined to make those dreams come true. that tiny little miracle, and all of your guy's support, has motivated me to keep going. and i will fight till i beat this, or till God tells me it is time to let go and come home. i just wish onne of those things would hurry up and happen. hopefully the survivng dream, but if that is not in the cards for me, that it is ok, i am not afraid. God will do what he has planned for me.

visit Rory's blog, encourage her, pray for her... www.xanga.com/rory_goes_rawr

Pray for Eric

2005-11-09T17:34:00.000-05:00

Please pray for a man named Eric. He is 31 years old and was diagnosed with HIV in June of 2004. Like all of us, he desperately needs a Savior. Pray the LORD brings him to repentance and that he'd find forgiveness in Jesus Christ, and a new life in the face of imminent death by this disease.

Pray the LORD brings Christians into his life to love him unconditionally and care for him. Pray he might know true joy for the first time... peace and freedom from the bondage of sin... acceptance as an adopted son of the Most High God.

Pray he would be reconciled to the Father.

In Christ's name, AMEN.

2005-11-09T00:56:00.000-05:00

"Every breath that is in your lungs is a tiny little gift to me."

-from Matthew's blog

My eternal family, you are invaluable to me. I thank God for each one of you. My LORD, my Love, I thank You for being Yourself - and giving me all that You are. You are so Beautiful, so Good; You Are.

Pray for Jeff

2005-11-06T14:27:00.000-05:00

Please pray for a man named Jeff. Pray the LORD would draw him to Himself strongly and undeniably. Pray that he gets connected with a Bible-believing/teaching, love-filled, Spirit-filled church body. Pray the Christians in his life grow in their own walks and encourage him in the Truth of Scripture.

In Christ's name,
Amen.

Family Thanks

2005-11-03T22:42:00.000-05:00

I invited Tyrone over for Thanksgiving today. He very somberly said no. He stays to himself; he's been hurt too many times in his life. I hope he may change his mind.

Thanksgiving at our house is a riot and a half. :) My mom's side of the fam comes over (she has seven brothers and two sisters) with their families.

Here's a family tree: Gram and Grandpa (mom's parents)

Aunt Nan and Uncle Lou: Caryn, 29 (husband Matt, 26), Laura, 25(husband Shaun, 26), and Greg, 22 (girlfriend since grade 11 - he just graduated college - Katie, 23)

Aunt Polly and Ron: Brittany, 15 and Courtney, 13

Uncle Austin and Debbie... well, he used to be married to Valerie, who had Tiffany, 25, who has Christian, 6 or 7.

Bridgette and Dave (was married to Uncle Mike who died in 1997): Amy, 20 and Elizabeth, 15

Mom and Dad: Heath, 23 and me, 22

Uncle Steven and Kimmie: Nathaniel, 20 months

Uncle Dennis and Aunt Lisa (separated): Austin, 15 and Ethan, 13

Uncle Pete and Sarah: Keegan, 5

Uncle Tommy: Mikey and his daughter

Uncle Keith

Uncle Timmy, 25

Together, we have a fun, loud time eating, cleaning up, playing games (playing 'spoons' with my uncles is the BEST!!), talking (there are a few animated story-tellers in our family - though, Uncle Mike was by far the best; he died eight years ago.) If there's snow, we go sledding - that hasn't happened in recent years. Uncle Dennis documents our "I'm thankful for's" on video adding his own commentary. This year, though, Uncle Steven is coming up from Georgia, so he may take over that role. Uncle Steven looks like Tom Cruise (at least he did in younger years. haha. sorry :) ) and acts like Jim Carrey. He's naturally one center of attention. And now he and Kimmie have a little boy! Nathaniel is almost two, and so cute. Kimmie is Lao, Uncle Steven caucasion, and Nathaniel an adorable combination.

My little cousins are always fun - they're not so little anymore. Well, Christian is still little. He's six, I think. Maybe seven? yikes. He adds more ethnicity to our family - he's half Jamaican. I love my cousins so much - it's really neat, watching them grow into people.

Anyway, I look forward to the holidays because lately we don't see each other enough. Everyone has sort of moved away a bit and is doing their own thing. Shaun and Laura are looking to move back to NH soon to start a family (right now they live on Long Island) - that will be so much fun. Babies!! :)

I love my family - we've been through a lot together. As of now, none of them are saved except my parents. Caryn's husband Matt's family are born again, but he isn't walking with the Lord at the moment. We've had some good conversations. Maybe my dad will thank God for our meal this year - I've been saying the prayer the past couple years, and I've always felt a bit odd (it just seems like the place of the man of the house.) As so often is the case: we shall see.

There's much to be thankful for everyday.

2005-11-02T15:25:00.000-05:00

'Each, single person is of the utmost importance to God. He takes joy in the honor of one being. And His plan is definite - it is incorruptible. Invinceable. And what seems so unlikely, or ungodly even, is part of it. His will will be done. He may use confusing methods - He can. He's God. To ask the questions of "why?" is futile. Trust. We must trust.' (excerpted from Journal Entry 15 Jan 2005)

"Help me stand,
when it's more than I can do
not to fall."
-David Meece

Knowing You, Jesus: There is no greater thing

2005-11-01T14:08:00.000-05:00

God is good, He is everywhere, and His glory is undeniable when seen for what it is. May our eyes be open today!

We live within an ever-changing masterpiece! Don't you love it?! Do you see it?

Have you shown the LORD that you love Him, yet today? Have you loved God today the way you long to be loved; shared with Him what you long for your spouse to share with you? Listened the way you want to be listened to?

What makes you love someone more deeply? Knowing them more deeply, right? And choosing to love them? How do we get to know God more deeply? And love Him - all three persons of Him - because we know Him and choose to love?

We get to know Him as we read His Words to us in the Bible and as we talk to Him in prayer; as we are still, listening for answers as we think about what we're reading and what we're asking in prayer. We get to know Him as we ask our questions, and wrestle with doubt, confusion, and frustration before Him. We get to know Him as we celebrate with Him! as we tell Him what we know about Him, what we love about Him, and what we don't get about Him. We get to know Him as we choose to love even those parts we don't get, or don't like. Just like we choose (or will choose, or really should choose) to love even those parts of our spouses.

Just like with any intimate relationship - we have to spend time with the LORD in order to know Him more and grow to love Him more. Yep, it does take a lot of effort. But it's worth it! Our relationship with the LORD (Father, Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit) is the only thing worth our WHOLE HEARTS -

--He may cost us everything in this world, literally (He does cost us everything in that we surrender it to His will and relinquish our control and possession of it all), and even then (having lost all material things, all stature, all health, all family and friends) we would still have all we need for Life and full Joy in having a relationship with the Father, through Christ, in the power of the Spirit.

When we truly know the Person of God, His character and His perfect love, then we also truly know that He is the Pearl for which we'd sell all to possess.

But only in knowing Him.

Praise God! My Dad has joined God's family!!

2005-10-26T12:18:00.000-05:00

Yay!! This afternoon my dad and I prayed together and he surrendered his life to Christ. Amen!! I am overwhelmed with joy and thanksgiving. There is a strength in him already that wasn't there before - an assurance of God's sovereignty and goodness.

Please pray for him as he begins this journey in faith. Pray for growth and rooting. Pray God binds Satan from deterring him. Also pray for my parents' relationship - they are now both Christians - wee ones - Pray they would be strengthened and united and that their focus is on the Lord.

Praise You, Father! Thank You so much.

God's hands in the deli: I slice chicken, He tenderizes hearts

2005-10-23T22:06:00.000-05:00

Today I learned that my coworker Dean (age 36, extremely varied personal and professional background) was president of his youth group - he rebelled against his father's making him go to church by being super-involved. Interesting approach.

As an adult, he was "born again for a while" and baptized twice. He says he was sincere at the time, but just doesn't believe it anymore. He didn't know what made the change, and didn't want to talk about it. Doesn't think people should talk about their beliefs and try to convert each other. I said I didn't believe any person could convert another person. He said again, he just didn't want to talk about it. I stopped. He continued. :)

November 9th, David Heddle is giving a talk on Intelligent Design at my church. Dean said he'd like to come.

A few months ago I met Tyrone outside at the break bench. He's 64. We spent the fifteen minutes getting to know each other a bit. I saw him again at the deli a few weeks ago, and he recognized me, though I didn't remember his face. Now he is a regular at the deli, and we always chat a few minutes. Yesterday I saw him at the courtesy desk on my way to break, and we talked a bit. Somehow I ended up telling him about taking correspondence classes through Moody Bible Institute and he asked what I'd be studying. Well, the Bible. He asked what religion? I'm a Christian, non-denominational. I just believe the Bible is the truth... Tyrone had some criticisms of the church and corruption... It's true, lots of churches have lost their foundation... But I've found a church that loves Jesus and teaches right out of the Bible. I invited Tyrone - if he ever wants to go to a solid church, he's welcome.

Pray for these men, please. Pray for Tyrone. Both of his parents have passed away in the last four months. He had lived with them as caregiver for years. So now he's alone. Pray for him as Thanksgiving comes. I would like to invite him to come share it with my family. Pray my family would welcome him.

Tomorrow night I'm sharing my testimony with the ladies at my church. I'm comfortable speaking in front of an audience, but the subject matter is close to my heart, and I always get nervous baring so much. Please pray that I would be received with much grace and encouragement from my sisters. Pray that God would be glorified and would shine as unmistakably Beautiful and Joyful and worthy of all praise, as He is.

Two of my sisters from dancing days gone by have become professionals! yay!

2005-10-21T22:53:00.000-05:00

We all grew up together in ballet class at Southern NH Dance Theater; sisters united by a common devotion to and passionate love for dancing.

Biography of my Joffrey dancer :) (click link to see photos)

Lauren Stewart

Biography of my Ajkun dancer

Amy Von Handorf

If you plant seeds in a deli, what may God grow? Hint: it's not turkey.

2005-10-20T22:42:00.000-05:00

This morning I met with Doreen for our weekly studying, accountability, prayer, chatting, discovery, encouragement, challenge... so on as it is with two sisters in love with Christ and striving to walk in holiness.

We spoke about sharing the gospel: why do we hesitate? Are we afraid to offend people? We agreed that we have the feeling that sharing OUR faith (which is so intolerated by a society that teaches "tolerance") is somehow infringing on the hearer's rights - that it's imposing. And we also agreed: so what! Why do we buy into this lie? Christ is Freedom and Life and Joy! Why should that be an imposition? We agreed that we fear rejection, and again decided: so what! Of course some people will be offended by the gospel and reject us for following Christ - but so what? If a person rejects the gospel, they are rejecting my Lord and are a child of Satan - why do I care if they love me?? And some people will not be offended; they will find True Love for the first time.

We prayed that we would gladly risk rejection that some might find acceptance in Christ.

Also spoken of: the Power of the Spirit that is within us - He is the Spirit of the Living, omnipotent GOD. There is such confidence in knowing this! Today began a new phase of the journey for me, walking in the fullness of the Spirit.

Tonight in the deli, I met Cindy. She is a new co-worker (George has moved on to working in construction making double his deli wages, and being provided with health insurance. He's working for a Christian man. Praise the Lord, and pray for George's salvation. Cindy is filling his hours). I thank God for being able to share with her a bit - it's amazing what He will do when I let the Spirit work and don't hinder Him with fear or self-reliance!

Cindy was baptized at 13 and attended church with her mom. She enjoyed youth group and church activities... but doesn't seem to have had a deep relationship with the Lord. Her husband is nominally Catholic, and she became Catholic to marry him, but she has never agreed with parts of the doctrine (confessing to a priest, for one, instead of to God). I was able to share a bit of my testimony - just that I wasn't raised with anything, but as a teenager the Lord completely turned my life around.

Our conversation had started out with New Year's Eve traditions (because I was talking about the Cailidh! yeah, Campbells! :) ) and she said how she and her husband weren't big partiers. Neither am I. Oh, but I WAS. As a teenager I drank quite a bit, but I became a Christian my junior year of high school, and my life changed drastically. Talked a bit about today's teen culture, and what so many get into.... I don't know where I would be if not for Christ - well, yes, I do, actually. Probably dead.

Yes, there's so much negative in that world. There's positive in church, she said.

There is.. I have a new hope in Christ that I never knew before.

And then a customer came, and our conversation ended.

Later in the evening, my manager brought up faith. Scott. He is a sweetheart of a man - witty and caring, though he puts on a front of coarseness and crassness with the older workers and some of our regulars. I enjoy Thursday nights because the staffing tends to be (thank You, Lord) Scott, Curtis, and myself. Tonight added Cindy, as she is in training. Surrounded by Christians, Scott loses his front, and we have a great time being "cleanly" silly. Tonight was the first time our conversation went deep. I mouthed to Curtis, washing dishes in Seafood, "pray." It is such an awesome privilege to have a team behind the counter. While one converses, the other can pray.

I'm not sure how it started. I think Scott and Cindy must have been talking about someone dying - jokingly. And then joking about the afterlife, and Scott said something about "You know about afterlife, Amanda. Can you vouch for it? Are you sure there's life after death?"

I know it with all my heart.

And thus began a conversation about the God of the Bible. Pray for Scott, as well. He said in the monotone way of one stating passionless facts, "I know God sent His Son to die on the cross for our sins..." But why is there so much evil and destruction if God is in control...

Scott's brother was a police officer and was killed on duty a few years ago. Why would God let that happen? I trust Him, but I wonder why? His wife and other siblings lost their faith when it happened.

It's hard to understand why God works the way He does sometimes. It seems when tragedy happens we either don't understand and turn our backs on God, or we trust that He is who the Bible says He is: that He is good, and while I don't understand how, I know He is working in the way that is best.... And Scott said, we'll know in heaven, though. His hope is in knowing that all the destruction and evil will end.

He knows pieces of the truth. And I know he sees a difference in Curtis and I because he changes around us. Pray that I could share more of the fullness of the gospel with Him, and answer his questions with Truth. Pray that His heart is open and tender to hear and accept these Truths. Pray God would make the seeds take root and flourish in his heart. Pray that he might know Joy and Love and Freedom ... Life in Christ.

Father, I know You are able. I pray You are willing. This deli belongs to You in my eyes, Lord. It is Your field to be harvested. Thank You for using me there - what a great privilege to be Your hands reaching, Your heart loving, Your ears listening, Your child testifying of Your grace.

I love You, God. I want my co-workers to love You. Give them saving grace, I pray, in the name of Your perfect Son. Amen.

Knowing and Loving a Triune God

2005-10-19T22:20:00.000-05:00

"But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you." John 14:26

Today the Holy Spirit taught me who He is. Spirit, I have neglected You so much! Forgive me, and know how I love You! Just as equally as God and the Son. You are just as important. I would not learn from Christ if You did not tell me what He teaches. I would not change if You did not convict me. I would not know joy and peace if you did not assure me of my right standing with God. I feel like I've met a new Friend whom I knew all along, but didn't recognize.

"The Spirit-filled life is not a special, deluxe edition of Christianity. It is part and parcel of the total plan of God for His people." -A.W. Tozer

Romans 8:11 says,

"But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you. "

The Spirit of GOD dwells in us. Christ died with the sin of all who would ever be saved upon Him, and God raised that body to pure, perfect, holy resurrection. It is the Spirit of that God who is within us. How much power, then, has He in us?! My flesh should not win the battle! Ever! And it wouldn't if I fully relied on the Spirit every moment. The Spirit would give life to my dead, corrupt flesh in every instance if I let Him.

What a revelation! And it's from You, Spirit! Such an interesting dynamic to begin to understand: how the Father, Son, AND Spirit work together. I've under-appreciated the latter until just today. I don't mean to emphasize the person and work of the Spirit in a way that detracts from that of Christ (as warned by James Montgomery Pierce), but rather to acknowledge and give thanks to God for this third person of Himself.

As I thank Jesus for His work, as He abided in the Father, so I thank the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of the Father. Spirit, thank You for interceding on my behalf, for praying for me when I know not what to pray. Thank You for being strength where I am weak; making me abound in hope; convicting me of sin; battling my flesh with fierceness and devotion. Thank You for freedom; for fullness of life; for joy, peace, love, goodness, faithfulness, patience, kindness, self-control. For Your part in making those grow continually. Thank You, Father, for Your Son and Your Spirit.
Amen.

The ministry of the Spirit in our lives:

Ezekiel 36:27
John 14:26, 16:13
Acts 1:8
Romans 5:5
Romans 8:26-27
Romans 15:13
1 Corinthians 12:4-7, 11
Galatians 5:22-23

The Eternal Love brings Joy Eternal

2005-10-17T10:06:00.000-05:00

"Either protect me now or take me home, LORD. Whatever pleases You best." words prayed by John Paton as a cannibal followed him around the island with a musket aimed and ready. And Paton went about his chores as if the man wasn't there. "I am invincible until Your purpose for me is complete, Father."

Behind the deli counter we hear the store's background music - quite a lot of 80's soft rock mixed with some fun oldies and a rare song-of-the-moment. Sometimes, with the particularly dramatic songs, we speak the lyrics to each other. Like... George feigns girlish pride and announces to Curtis in Seafood, "I'm beautiful, Curtis, no matter what they say. Words can't bring me down!"

A month ago or so a song came on and I spoke along with the singer, "George, would you fight for my honor?" And my wrestler friend replied, "Amanda, I'd kill for your honor," and then proceeded to perform all sorts of wrestler-moves on an invisible being who apparently made the mistake of threatening my honor.

Last night, driving home from a day of missionary testimony and biography and challenge, I heard our song on the radio, and it struck me altogether seriously.

"I am a man who will fight for your honor...
We'll live forever, knowing together that we did it all for the glory of love..."

Am I a woman who fights for Your honor, LORD? Do I do ALL for the glory of Love, which Thou art?

Make me a fighter, LORD. A warrior-princess. Make me courageous, strong, able to endure and persevere. I know that's a dangerous prayer - asking for things which are not gently nor easily won. But I pray it. Whatever it takes, Father: make me Yours.

Your soldiers are fierce, LORD. Compassionate and gentle, but FIERCE. Not weak or feeble, but like iron because they are Yours and abide in You. They are invincible and immortal until Your purpose for them is complete.

That's who I am! That's who we are as Christians. We have a purpose that You created us for, and we are on this earth solely to complete that purpose.

Make me into Your likeness, Jesus. May I look into the mirror of my heart and see Your face more clearly with each moment.

Such joy! This life is one of "joy inexpressible and full of glory!" Because I abide in You and in Your love, with obedience to Your commands, You make my joy full. To live is Christ... life in Christ is joy eternal. Though it costs everything, it is worth the price.

"The things of this world grow strangely dim in light of His glory and grace..."

Readers, do you know the JOY that abounds when "to live is Christ"? Why do you love being one of God's chosen? What is it about this life in Christ that gives you joy, even on the worst days? Or does it not? Are you wondering where the joy is and how to find it?

Please share your thoughts in comments...

The LORD Jesus Christ be with your spirit. Grace be with you. Amen. (2 Tim 4:22)

The LORD's Day

2005-10-16T21:57:00.000-05:00

read this on brother Matthew's blog, and couldn't help but copy and paste. :)

"A sense of the beauty of Christ is the beginning of true Saving Faith in the life of a true convert. This is quite different from any vague feeling that Christ loves him or died for him. These sort of fuzzy feelings can cause a sort of love and joy, because the person feels a gratitude for escaping the punishment of their Sin. In actual fact, these feelings are based on self-love, and not on a love for Christ at all. It is a sad thing that so many people are deluded by this false faith.

On the other hand, a glimpse of the Glory of GOD in the face of Jesus Christ causes in the heart a supreme genuine love for GOD. This is because the divine light shows the excellent loveliness of GOD's nature. A love based on this is far, far above anything coming from self-love, which demons can have as well as men.

The true love of GOD which comes from this sight of His beauty causes a spiritual and holy joy in the Soul; a joy in GOD, and exulting in Him. There is no rejoicing in ourselves, but rather in GOD alone.

The sight of the beauty of divine things will cause true desires after the things of GOD. These desires are different from the longings of demons, which happen because the demons know their doom awaits them, and they wish it could somehow be otherwise.

The desires that come from this sight of Christ's beauty are natural free desires, like a baby desiring milk. Because these desires are so different from their counterfeits, they help to distinguish genuine experiences of GOD's Grace from the false."

...from Jonathan Edwards' sermon: True Grace Distinguished from the Experience of Devils (1752)

How could I NOT want this??

2005-10-13T22:58:00.000-05:00

Excerpted from "Living out Trust" by Luke Patin:

It is vital to understand the nature of genuine romance that is justified by truth. This romance absolutely must promote trust.

I admit that I believe God's concern is not that everyone get married. God is concerned with love and unity in the Body as well as the advancement of the Kingdom. With that in mind, if a brother has grown to know and trust a sister in Christ, he may think it useful to offer himself to her as a husband. This is with the awareness that she may refuse him if she thinks it more profitable to continue single. If she accepts, however, then he has offered himself unconditionally. He has a new commitment! The new commitment is one that will make them one flesh. They will continue to serve God together as a unit.

The only reason Paul the Apostle disliked the idea of Christians getting married (1 Cor 7) was the distraction. Romance requires constant attention to preserve the relationship! It must have attention because that is what romance is! It makes two into...one! If two people aren't careful, the many responsibilities to preserve function and romance in marriage can make it impossible to invest in the Body of Christ.

Thus, the whole point is that true romance is meant to give one another trust and security so that God may be the true focus! Otherwise, "focusing on God" just isn't possible in a real way. There is usually just plain too much maintenance.

...[I]n a total commitment, romance becomes powerful to unite in trust rather than confuse in fear. A woman once told me that she had become paranoid of men's romantic intentions with her because they offered nothing to make them worth accepting! They just made her afraid of losing what she had invested in the man. They made her afraid of losing months or years of her life to a man who led her to nowhere. This, brothers, is not love. This, sisters, is not real romance.

Friends, we are capable of loving like God does--without fear. We will fail in our responsibilities, but the nature of love itself cannot be to blame! When carried out simultaneously with truth, love should be perfect! Well-intentioned love ought not destroy people!

[...]

I admit that I think everyone saying, "Take romance slowly. Don't get tied down too quickly," is complete nonsense. Actually, I think that once a man has willed himself to love and secure a woman no matter what [(offered her marriage)] (and she has accepted), then I believe romance should be swift and powerful. It should create a passion and security so complete that it will weld two people into a fully trusting relationship centered around their two greatest commitments--Christ and each other.

They have Christ to gain by being instruments to refine and perfect one another in love and truth. Once the commitment is openly declared--with the accountability which is marriage-- two true lovers can accept the joy of consummation and unity with nothing to lose. Everything physical which we set up "boundaries" for becomes rather only an instrument to strengthen a true bond--to please one another with abandon.

I think romance ought to be an explosion that loudly, possessively declares,

"BY GOD'S GRACE I WILL LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT BECAUSE YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE I AM TO UNITE WITH---EVER!!! I DELIGHT IN YOU, AND YOU ARE SPECIAL TO ME FOR AS LONG AS WE LIVE!!! LET NOTHING STAND IN THE WAY!!! I CHOSE YOU, AND I AM YOURS!!!"

That is a declaration I desire to make. That is a romance that can only make the Christian Army more powerful. Never will I offer a weak, insecure romance to a woman. If I am to offer romance, I will offer it recklessly--limitlessly. She will know she has been chosen. She will know that I have willed to love her. She will know that the perfect love of God has come full circle to create a love untainted by fear.

I will not love her perfectly, but the commitment--the unity--which the love stands on will have been burned into the very fabric of our souls. I will be hers as long as we serve God on this earth. She will know that when I ask her to single me out apart from all other men then I am offering all that I am--permanently. If she sees the power of Christ's love for the Church in me, then she will have nothing to fear--nothing to lose.

She will have found...true love.

Read the entire article

emphasis added by blogger

2005-10-09T22:21:00.000-05:00

Today is the 25th Anniversary of my parents' Wedding.

And a ride it's been. Because I don't have their permission, I'm not sharing details. But I will share a tradition of theirs that I only just learned of this evening...

My mom and dad were eighteen and twenty-one when they married. My mom worked at Alexander's bagging groceries, and Dad sold parts at Chappel Tractor. They struggled to get by, to say the least. That was before my brother and I came along (though quickly did we come! haha).

October 10th - that first year later - arrived, and they certainly couldn't afford to buy each other gifts. Any spare earnings went into the house fund. But still Mom and Dad went into CVS and looked at the greeting cards. Silently side by side, they read the messages until each found the perfect one for the other. Standing in the aisle, they exchanged the cards that captured the expression of each of their hearts and read each other's sentiments. I imagine they would smile or laugh gently, perhaps nudge the other shoulder to shoulder. Dad would kiss mom's forehead and she'd tip her face up to kiss his lips. Happy Anniversary. And then they'd put the cards back on the rack and walk out of the store hand in hand.

So they did this afternoon (a day early) after church and brunch at their favorite restaurant. My dad wanted to go to church this morning. It's a cool testimony that I'll write about later. His first run-in with persecution - albeit in jest by his cousin and via telephone. :) But a neat conversation between he, my mom, and brother.

Goodnight, all. The Lord is good. He finishes what He begins without falter or delay. He protects His people and refines them. The learning is tough, quite often, but it is good. He is good.

Back and Forth about being Brother and Sister

2005-10-04T21:48:00.000-05:00

A new brother acquaintance wrote:
Interesting yet good ideas that you put in your profile about what to do on a first date. are you saying that things like phone calls, letters, time alone (in a public setting) are out of the question?

I responded:
In regards to the dating thing on my profile... Actually, there is a huge freedom that comes with being brother and sister, I've found. A freedom in trust. I didn't mean to list a set of rules. :) Quite the opposite, with a man whom I know truly seeks only to know me as a sister, I feel a freedom to BE his sister - much as a biological sister may be. Because I know that he's not interpreting anything I do or say as romantic in any way, I don't have to be conscientious of what I may be conveying the whole time. Know what I mean?

It works both ways, too. I'm not getting to know you with any thoughts of wanting to make you like me, or asking, "home, would I like to marry this person?" Nor am I going to interpret your behavior as romantic.

I like your ideas about relationships. But I wonder, how will you ever get beyond brother/sister relationships??? I mean, do you think your going to just wake up some morning married to a wonderful husband? If your never allowed to send any signals, or if your never allowing anyone to send you signals, then you will die a virgin!

One of the great things about bro/sis relationships is that you won't get beyond them unnecessarily. When you submit initial romantic feelings to God, you can continue in simply getting to know the person without all the drama. My experience has been that I meet someone, start getting to know them, have romantic feelings, so begin dating, then realize that we wouldn't be a good partnership for whatever reasons, then break up, and as much as you say you want to stay friends, you usually don't. In the meantime, so much emotional energy and time is wasted in thinking about something that was never meant to be!

If you commit to being brother and sister it has a different outcome. You meet them (or type haha), start getting to know them, romantic feelings probably come (it's a little different if you haven't met, but say you eventually meet and then you have romantic feelings) - here it's different. Instead of acting on those feelings and dating, you submit them to the Lord. It's not that you pretend they're not there, but you don't dwell on them. Realize that that is chemistry, and decide to continue being brother and sister. Loving without thinking romantically about them. And then keep getting to know each other. The romantic feelings will go away as you get to know them ... or they may stay as you get to know them. Either way, the commitment remains to be brother and sister and seek God together.

Do you see how you will be able to know and trust someone so well without the romantic stuff getting in the way? You will be able to love a woman as God loves her: in a way that draws her to Him, not to you. That is love. And if God wills, then He will draw her to you. But by the time you get to the point of God drawing you to each other, you will already know and trust each other so much.

It seems like we forget who God is when it comes to relationships - suddenly, here in this realm of life, we have to take control and make everything happen. But it's just not true. We seek God. We encourage each other in our walks and in our lives - we challenge each other to grow. We truly love by keeping each other focused on Jesus Christ, rather than on our relationship or on each other's feelings. If it is that our lives will best serve God's Kingdom by being united as husband and wife, do you not think He will reveal that clearly?

Reading my own words, I can see how they may make this kind of relationship seem legalistic - or calculated, I guess. But the irony is in the freedom that comes with this. The trust that allows two people to simply KNOW each other! It makes for trusting, meaningful, deep relationships between men and women of God, that bring all parties closer to Him, and most will continue on as brother and sister unto eternity.

But one woman you will get to know deeply, trust deeply, draw ever closer to God with, and realize that your lives can be best used by God as husband and wife. And it's not based on romantic feelings, though they are there strongly, but on the strength in your relationships with God and with each other - you could not love her if you loved not God, and you could not love God if you loved not her. Forever. And she knows the same is true of her love for you. And you will not die virgins! :)

I totally agree, but its hard to its hard, just about impossible to set romantic feelings aside. well, I guess I can think of a few times I have, and Im glad I did. But then there are other times that I wish women would have spoken up instead of trying to just drop hints all the time, or expecting me to figure it out. But ya, in the larger picture romantic feelings aren't worth much.

But I wonder, you say if God wills it then "He will draw her to you". Well, just how might that look? I mean, lets face it, sooner or later someone is going to have to step out and take things a bit further than just bro and sis. But up until that point I totally agree with you.

I wonder why you seem to be so clear on all this? I didn't look at that web site yet. Its almost like reading a book. lol It all sounds good in theory, but Im afraid that is all it is. It would be great if it worked like that all the time. It saddens me that it doesn't.

To set back and think "God will bring me the one at the right time" is crazy. (I wanted to use a stronger word but couldn't spell it) We can pray and pray and pray all we want, but Jesus didn't just say "ask and it will be given to you", He went further. You will notice it is "ask,seek, knock". In just about anything, maybe even everything, we humans must do our part.

Hey, don't get me wrong here, I'm challenging you on this because I'm not clear on it myself, not because I think I am right. I've never been in a romance relationship so I guess I don't really know what it is like.

Here is something else to think about. Your 21, Im 25. When I was 21 I could think like you are, I was waiting for God to act. But, now I'm 25, still living at home, still working the same job I had in high school, still as single as the day I was born, and nothing has really changed all that much. There is a time to pray, a time to wait, and a time to take action. All the prayer, all the waiting will do no good with out action. That applies to everything. In the ministry, in secular work, and in relationships.

Good questions, all. :) I'll respond as best I can. Also wanted to clarify - should have said this before - relationships are unique things, I understand that very well. And I don't expect that my convictions are the only right ones; obviously many godly people have met and dated and married in God's will, enjoying romance before they were engaged. This is simply the perspective God has given me - it suits my needs as He created me, and perhaps the man who will be my husband is the only man who shares it! That would be fine. :) So as you are not trying to change my convictions, I am not trying to change yours, either.

Maybe I should start with one sentence that might answer everything.

the sum (the scenario with the woman who you'll marry):

you get to know each other, without bringing romance into it, to the point that you completely trust each other, know each other's goals and dreams, see that you have the same/complementary major goals (or direction, anyway), see that you can serve together, ministry together makes sense more than ministry apart, you get along and like each other, you know each other's families, you know each other's strengths and weaknesses and you complement each other, your life vision is the same - and makes sense to go together... all these things line up and you know she's the woman God has for you for life. It only makes sense that you be together. And THEN you ask her to be your wife, and her heart is yours to romance.

You save all the other women from being hurt, and you save yourself from being hurt, by NOT acting on feelings until you establish that your union would actually make sense! And you can have friendships that aren't maimed by break-ups because you've put aside the feelings and just gotten to know them - and seen that they aren't the ONE. But they are your sisters, so you can still invest in them as sisters. And the romantic feelings will go away when you know they're not HER. That's not just theory. :)

you said: "it's hard, just about impossible to set romantic feelings aside." agreed. It's also hard to set thoughts of any other strong temptation aside, but we have to or else sin overtakes us. It's not that you can make yourself stop feeling... it's that you CAN choose to not think about the feelings. Not dwell on them. You CAN choose to dwell on other things (Phil 4:8).

"He will draw her to you". Well, just how might that look?

I guess I wasn't clear on this - It's not that you never step out and move forward to pursue her heart. It's that you wait beyond the first feelings and get to really know her. You step out in asking her to be your wife! If this is the woman that you will marry, she will love you AND have romantic feelings for you that won't go away. God will turn her heart to you.

My friend Julie met her now husband and wasn't attracted to him. (That helps in fending off romantic feelings! haha) But as she got to know him, she knew he was the man for her (this is WAY before they were engaged. They dated 3 years! how they waited that long, I don't know.) anyway, she prayed that God would make her love him the way He wanted her to. And of course she did grow to love him romantically - I watched it happen! We were roommates in New York for the first year they dated in person. They had a distance relationship for a year first.

So that's what I mean by "God will draw her to you" - her heart will be drawn to love your heart purely AND romantically if she is to be your wife.

"It all sounds good in theory, but Im afraid that is all it is."

I have one brother who shares this perspective, and it's not just theory. But for sure, it takes both people having a mutual and solid understanding of the whole concept, and being committed to living it. You can't pretend with this. I can't say I'm just your sister, but meanwhile think of you romantically and dream about our future, etc. That would be totally dishonest and unfair to you. I'd be saying one thing so you would trust me, but then thinking totally differently. Not ok.

In order for it to really work - in order for that complete trust and in order to be able to stave off feelings and just be brother and sister, both have to have been convicted by the Spirit and walk the journey in grace. Otherwise it won't hold up. But I HAVE experienced this relationship, and it's amazing. It's FREEDOM! I tried to explain what it's like in the entry on the web site I gave you. With Luke, I did feel more than platonic love for him at first, and submitted it to the Lord. That is surrendered to His control; Truly, Luke is my brother. I don't know how to explain it. It's a very conscious submission. My natural inclination is to want to think of him romantically and ponder what could happen in the future and work out possible scenarios... but no! That's not for me to do. I give those feelings and questions to the Lord and trust that He'll work it all out for good - whatever that entails. And I stop the thoughts there, and dwell on Christ and how I may best encourage my brother to His likeness.

I'm under the impression that you don't want some guy trying to romance you. :o) I did look at that web site you gave me, seemed to be a lot of the same as in your letters.

I do like your perspective, although I have never met anyone who has that perspective. It seems like a cold way of doing it, almost like buying tires for your car. No excitement, no fire crackers, you just one day decide to marry a guy/gal that you have read all the spects on but never really gotten deep with them.

On the practical side, just what would it look like for a couple to follow through on your perspective? How would you go about getting to know a guy you think your interested in?

I have heard of courting, which is my preference, but really, I couldn't care much less about the process as long as it is done in a Godly manner. But, your way will certainly spare broken hearts.

I have not yet responded to the last questions. I'm not sure how to make myself any more clear. I think the best response to this is Luke Patin's final essay that I linked to above. I'll link it again: Living Out Trust.

Brotherly Exhortation from Luke Patin

2005-10-04T13:31:00.000-05:00

"Never neglect the hope you have and the gifts you were given to use for the Kingdom. Love must be the definition of who you are, and may that love be a true, humble love."

Luke has written much on the relationship between brother and sister in Christ, and a most recent article is absolutely worth reading: Living Out Trust.

Quote from Martin Luther

2005-09-26T07:17:00.000-05:00

"Let the wife make the husband glad to come home,

and let him make her sorry to see him leave."

Say hello on my guest map!

2005-09-25T22:08:00.000-05:00

If you click on the little globe button to the right (where it says "Check this out!") you can put a little figure of yourself on a world map with a hello message! Then I (and you) can see where people are visiting from. So far I'm the only one on the map - please don't leave me all alone. :)

To all who comment - thank you so much for your encouraging words. I really am blessed by you. And thank you all for visiting.

A sister Christian,
Amanda

Brotherly Love as only children of God can Know

2005-09-23T22:30:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I learned first-hand what it is to trust a brother fully and to want to love him in a way that allows him to best serve the Kingdom of God. There is a HUGE freedom in this trust.

The basis of our understanding and relationship with each other is that we are brother and sister in the Lord and will remain that eternally. Only if my brother offers me his hand in marriage will romance enter the picture. Until then, we are friends and fellow servants of Christ. It's not a lesser relationship or a testing ground for future possibilities of romance. It is what it is: a gift and a responsibility to love with pure hearts, seeking to spur each other on toward Christ. The focus is on Him. There is an understanding that neither person has ulterior motives for getting to know the other. I am not trying to make him like me, or constantly viewing him with the thought, "hmmm, would I want to marry this man?" Rather, I want to know his heart as God's child and how I may encourage him on in his faith and life. I want to be challenged and encouraged by him, as well - to draw each other closer to God. It is worth investing in the relationship, and continuing to invest even if it becomes clear that brother and sister is the "only" bond we will share.

In relationships without this understanding of brotherly love, it seems either the man or the woman gives up on it if it doesn't move beyond a friendship. The message given and received is that a male/female friendship isn't worth investing in. This way of thinking is so "off" from Scripture. The reasoning is that "it's not going anywhere," but the Bible is clear that in Heaven joint heirs and family is what we'll be! These brother/sister relationships are eternal!

Not only is the relationship eternal, but the fruits of the relationship are of eternal consequence. Much is gained for the Kingdom when two people submit their romantic feelings to the Lord and focus on being a brother or sister instead of a boyfriend or girlfriend.

I want to try and convey the trust that is in this relationship because it's so different from anything I've experienced prior.

In other relationships with men my age I am very careful to not do or say anything that may be seen even slightly as a sign of romantic interest. When the understanding that we're brother and sister is solid and mutual, it's not that I am free to be flirtatious by any means (nor would I want to be), but that I don't have to worry about him interpreting anything romantically.

Touch is one of my "love languages" - if you've heard about those (very interesting to learn and helpful in effectively showing people how you love them. We tend to want to receive love the way we most naturally give it). For the most part, I refrain from touching the men in my life (except for a few older men I'm close with at church who are all married) because I don't wish for any misunderstandings. However, I experienced a great freedom here with my brother because I knew he wouldn't misunderstand. Please don't run with this and blow it way out of proportion. I wasn't all over him - purity is very important to God and to me, and to my brother. But the freedom is in being able to express that I care about him in a way natural to me: to pat his back in reassurance, elbow him if he's teasing me, give him a hug when we've had an awesome conversation or are saying goodbye. To say, even physically, "I care about you. You are special to me" (not exclusively special, but special as all my brothers and sisters are). "I value your encouragement and your trust. I appreciate who you are and who you're striving to become." "My fellow pilgrim and brother, I love you as only a sister in the Lord can."

This is a level of trust that only comes when both people are fully convicted of and submitted to the design of a relationship that is un-romantic until a proposal is made. I cannot FULLY trust a brother my age who may want to pursue me romantically, or may want me to think of him that way. I just can't. There is always that shakiness there. It may be exciting, but it makes for insecurity. Personally, it makes me always conscientious of my behavior and what I might be portraying. I have to focus on myself as he sees me, whereas with a "brother-until-husband" (yes, I know he'll still be my brother, but that'd make for a lot of hyphens) I can let go of all that - and save the emotional energy - and focus on knowing him for who he is and how we can know and serve the Lord more. And he can focus on knowing me for who I am, etc., also, because he trusts that I am not interpreting his words or actions as romantic in any way.

So there IS great trust IN this relationship, and it also TAKES trust on both parts. Do not pretend to have this understanding and then still have the same romantic motivations and intentions in mind, or you are being deceptive and manipulative, and certainly not a loving brother or sister. Seek to know your brother or sister's heart in this regard before you put your trust in them. It's easy to fool ourselves into thinking we only desire to be a brother or sister, but still allow the romantic questions to float in our mind. Be honest with yourself, and ask God to show you your heart so that you're not decieved by it.

Romantic feelings will come. When you get to know someone with that kind of intimacy and trust, you probably WILL feel more than platonic love for them. But that's where, as Christians, we can surrender to the Lord. Submit those feelings unto Him. It's not that He will eradicate them, but that He will take the reigns and, as Elisabeth Elliot writes, teach us to long for something more (Himself).

It's also important to be disciplined in our thoughts. If we dwell on the temptation of the feelings, we will succumb to them. Just don't focus on it. Don't allow yourself to think about how much you like this person, what you could see in the future, etc. Give it to the Lord and trust that He'll work His Plan out in your life and it will be good, whatever it entails. And stop the thoughts there.

Focus on God and Who He is. Focus on growing in His likeness, serving, reaching out, challenging and encouraging the people in your life, sharing His word... There are so many places to invest our energy and thoughts that are profitable for His glory. Don't waste your life dreaming of a person that doesn't yet belong to you, and maybe never will.

Finally brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy -- meditate on these things. Philippians 4:8

The One, Triune God (Father, Son, Spirit) is all these things. Meditate on Him and His word, obey what you see and hear therein, and He will dwell with you and make you prosper in Him.

2005-09-22T22:13:00.000-05:00

Sometimes there's so much to process that one hardly knows where to begin, "one" being myself. :) Well, I've begun. See, this is accountability - now I will be sure to come back and finish in the morning (when I'm not falling asleep). 'night!

The 10th of October, 2003

2005-09-16T14:10:00.000-05:00

I love ironies. This afternoon I threw in some laundry and treated myself to my favorite movie: The Four Feathers. Toward the end of it, Dad came in with the mail. I received a letter today from Stacy, my roommate while at Trinity Western. In October of that semester, she, Karissa, and I had watched The Four Feathers together (a film about honor among other things, with an honorable love story entwined). When it ended, as we walked down the hall back to our dorm, we spoke of this moment in our lives and wondered what it would be like looking back. And so we decided to each write a letter right then - a snapshot of the present - and trade them, to return to each other at least a year later. It has been almost two, and how interesting to read my words.

Dated the 10th of October, 2003:

Lord~

I write to always remember this time in my life where the future is unsure and the dream of my husband is still a dream. None of us - Karissa K..., Stacy R..., or myself, Amanda B... know who you will lead into our lives, who we will marry and serve you with the rest of our time on this earth. Father, I pray for that man - for his growth, purity, boldness, leadership... I pray You are guiding his every step and drawing him to Yourself constantly. I thank You that the perfection of our meeting, friendship, falling into love, and final covenant with You in union is designed only by Your hands.

Lord, I pray for myself - that You would lead me to becoming the godly woman You created me to be, and the godly woman my husband is seeking in his heart. Father, I pray for the desires for Your goodness and for the plans You have for me. That the longings of my heart would match Yours. I thank You for strong Faith; for discipline and bold love in Your name; for my Christian sisters here at school and the godly examples and mentors back home. For Wayne P... and his wisdom, guidance, and affection. For Doreen's compassion and example of what You want me to be.

I lift my family up to You, and can only hope and pray for the revelation of Yourself in them. I thank You for Stacy's unyielding faith in Your power and will and mercy in answering prayers. I pray for that kind of faith. Thank You for a trusting faith, a consistent faith. I pray for a miracle-expecting faith.

A note: For the first time I feel I no longer have a secular self. I cannot separate this part from that. You are everything that I am. I am nothing except Yours. Thank You.

I do not know what my calling is, except that I am to glorify Christ and follow Him. I thought so surely that I was meant to be a nurse and go to Africa and come home and get married and have a family... and so on according to my own lovely plans. Father, as I have prayed, I don't want my plans. I want Yours. I lay my life at Your feet not knowing, but trusting. Having assurance that Your way is perfection beyond my imaginings and one day I will look back and be so ever grateful that I didn't lead myself into mediocrity when You will lead me into excellence. I love You, Lord. Every bone in my body sings Your praises.

I am settled into University life - felt at home here the moment I landed my suitcases at the Welcome Center. For the first time since grade school I have a circle of close girlfriends whom I dearly love as sisters, and am reaching out to love new people without worry of myself or my own insecurities getting in the way. I pray that I can be as loving outside of this safe, Christian community as I am within. For as Christ Himself said, we are not here to heal the healthy, but the sick.

Also interesting, I have trouble understanding the unbeliever and the rationalization of atheism. My own prior convictions are nonsense to me now, and I truly cannot grasp the logic. It is troublesome in evangelism - I pray I am able to relate still. What use am I if I can only connect with Christians in a world where I am called to be a light and a hand to those in need of a Savior? I do not mean I am the savior, of course. I suppose God will use me and give me the words. I shall not despair. I cannot be made useless so long as He is living in me, and I in Him.

I am content. I feel peace, rest, security in Jesus Christ. I am fulfilled and joyous. Though so much of life is unknown and could go in any direction, I know my purpose and ultimate destination is Christ-likeness and His Kingdom. There are days when I long for His coming to be NOW; days when I would so love to be Home forever and dwell in Heaven, but while I always look to that Day for hope and perseverance, I know in my heart of hearts that His time will be the truest and best time and He has me on this earth to glorify Himself. My wanting to get out of that early is neither what I want nor what He wants.

So, Amanda Pauline, where are you now? I pray you have grown. I pray Christ glows out of you more than ever before and that even non-believers look at you and see Christ. I pray you do not let fear stand in the way of enlightenment. I pray you are vulnerable, open, loving, trusting of people, with people, for people as Christ was and was with you. I pray that you are a faithful servant, putting everyone before yourself and seeking their and His praise, not your own. I pray you are godly. Pure. Bold. Love-filled. Giving of everything you are, everything you have. Strong. Humble. Wise. Full of God's truth and living a life reflecting that truth. I pray you love God with a heartbreaking love - heartbreaking, and being healed by Him. Overflowing. I pray He is still everything to you, that He makes you alive and shining.

I love You, Jesus! Oh, Father God in Heaven! How I love being Your child. How precious You are to me - how grateful I am. Everything for You, Lord, for You cost everything and You are worth the price. Make my life a prayer to You, a living sacrifice. May I bring glory to Your name and a smile to Your face. I love you.

In the name of Your Son through Whom we are holy, pure, saved,
Amen.
Signed 10-10-03

Reading that prayer from two years ago, I could have written it today. Lord, You have been so good and faithful, and You will continue to be. Thank You.

Tonight my friend Luke arrives from Chicago - we've been pen pals sporadically since the spring after I came home from Trinity, and he's visiting for the first time. His faith is sure and strong, and it will be so good to have a Christian man in my home for a few days. I pray he might connect with my dad and brother. The Lord will work according to His pleasure. This I know.

I've been asked to be a small group leader for three of the youth group girls, and I accept with great excitement - a little nervousness. :) Pray for me, and for these hearts whom I look forward to knowing, loving, and being known and loved by. It will be a challenge - one I so look forward to. Thank You, Father, that Your grace is sufficient for me and for us. May Your name be praised and may we all grow closer to You and to each other. In Christ's name. Amen.

God blessed the broken road that lead me straight to You...

2005-09-14T23:05:00.000-05:00

I am so thankful to be loved by a Man who lived His life on earth as everything a man was meant to be. I am betrothed to the Lord Jesus Christ - a Man who knows and loves the Father with his whole heart, soul, mind, strength. A Man of deep compassion and mercy, of truth and integrity. A strong Man - a sure leader, inspiring His followers by example and enduring love and humility. A Man obedient to God with every breath, unto His last.

The following excerpts come from the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.

Jesus. "Follow me..." and they followed. "Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword... He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me."

'And as His custom was, He went into the synagogue on the Sabbath day, and stood up to read. And He was handed the book of the prophet Isaiah...

"The Spirit of the LORD is upon Me,

Because He has annointed Me

To preach the gospel to the poor;

He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,

To proclaim liberty to the captives

And recovery of sight to the blind,

To set at liberty those who are oppressed;

To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD."

Then He closed the book..."Today this Scripture is fulfilled in your hearing."'

"Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

"He who is not with Me is against Me, and he who does not gather with me scatters abroad."

"It is I; do not be afraid."

"I have compassion on the multitude because they have now continued with Me three days and have nothing to eat. And I do not want to send them away hungry, lest they faint on the way."

"You are an offense to Me, for you are not mindful of the things of God, but the things of men."

"You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and those who are great exercise authority over them. Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave - just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many."

"But why do you call Me 'Lord, Lord,' and not do the things which I say?"

"You know neither Me nor My Father. If you had known Me, you would have known My Father also... if you do not believe that I am He, you will die in your sins."

"For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words, of him the Son of Man will be ashamed when He comes in His own glory, and in His Father's, and of the holy angels."

"If you abide in My word, you are my disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."

"And I say to you, My friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body, and after that have no more that they can do. But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear Him who, after He has killed, has power to cast into hell; yes, I say to you, fear Him!"

'Jesus stood still and called them, and said, "What do you want Me to do for you?" They said to Him, "Lord, that our eyes may be opened." So Jesus had compassion and touched their eyes. And immediately their eyes received sight, and they followed Him.'

"I am the light of the world. He who follows me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life."

"I am the bread of life. He who comes to Me shall never hunger, and he who believes in Me shall never thirst."

"I am the door of the sheep... If anyone enters by Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture. The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."

"I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.

'And He said to the man who had the withered hand, "Step forward." Then He said to them, "Is it lawful on the Sabbath to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill?" But they kept silent. And when He had looked around at them with anger, being grieved by the hardness of their hearts, He said to the man, "Stretch out your hand." And he stretched it out, and his hand was restored as whole as the other.'

"My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand."

"I am the good shepherd; and I know My sheep, and am known by My own....I lay down My life for the sheep."

"Therefore My Father loves Me, because I lay down My life that I may take it again. No one takes it from Me, but I lay it down of Myself. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it again. This command I have received from My Father."

"Did I not say to you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?"

'And the unclean spirits, whenever they saw Him, fell down before Him and cried out, saying, "You are the Son of God!" But He sternly warned them that they should not make Him known.'

"I and My Father are One."

'"Look, now you have heard His blasphemy! What do you think?" They answered and said, "He is deserving of death."'

[Jesus said to His disciples,] "Where I am going, you cannot come...A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."

"In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."

"Holy Father, keep through Your name those whom You have given Me, that they may be one as We are... I do not pray that You should take them out of the world, but that You should keep them from the evil one... Sanctify them by Your truth. Your word is truth."

"Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done."

'Pilate answered and said to them again, "What then do you want me to do with Him whom you call the King of the Jews?" So they cried out again, "Crucify Him!" Then Pilate said to them, "Why, what evil has He done?" But they cried out all the more, "Crucify Him!"

"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do."

'THIS IS JESUS THE KING OF THE JEWS'

'Then one of the criminals who were hanged [next to Jesus] blasphemed Him, saying, "If You are the Christ, save Yourself and us." But the other, answering, rebuked him, saying, "Do you not even fear God seeing you are under the same condemnation? And we indeed justly, for we receive the due reward of our deeds; but this Man has done nothing wrong." Then he said to Jesus, "Lord, remember me when You come into Your kingdom." And Jesus said to him, "Assuredly, I say to you, today you will be with Me in Paradise."

"Truly, this Man was the Son of God!"

'"Do not be afraid, for I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified. He is not here; for He is risen, as He said."'

'And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, "All authority has been given Me in heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."'

Customer Response of the Day

2005-09-14T16:30:00.000-05:00

"How would you like that sliced?"
"I don't want to be able to read through it."

Oh, I love people.

You know what? It's almost 5:30 and I need to run before it's time to leave for prayer meeting. I could so easily blog instead, but -- ok, Lord! Going!

later :)