A Testimony of the Lord's Mercy Toward a Sinner, me, Part One

Last night I shared my testimony (how God drew me into His fold) with the youth group at my church. Bearing my heart is not something I take lightly, and it was a bit frightening. Of course I've told the story of my salvation to many, but always with a certain vagueness. I decided to be wholly honest this time around, and I pray, with earnest hope and expectation, that God will be glorified. Because truly, my story is His story.

And so it goes...

I came to know the Lord at 17, about four years ago. Looking back, I can see how God simotaneously allowed me to lead myself to my own near-demise and intervened through Christian friends and the softening of my hard heart with His very own, very gentle hands. Thank You, Father.

I begin with the story of my life without Christ, and of how He had to let me crash before I was humbled enough to accept Him; I finish with God's miraculous compassion toward a hateful sinner, and how He loved me into loving Him.

Part One

I was such an empty girl, trying to be full but searching everywhere - in everything - except in God. In my own fallenness, I couldn't search for God, and He wasn't calling me, yet. Mostly I looked to boys. My journals are full of names and longings - I wanted to be loved, really. I sought after a false idea of what love was. The words say I wanted to be held and kissed, but the unwritten truth is that I wanted someone to know me, understand me, and treasure what they found inside me. Surely then I would feel complete.

When I was sixteen, I met Mike. He was funny, seemed to "get" me, and my parents hated him. Perfect. :) He seemed to meet all my needs: he held me, he kissed me; he even knew and understood me better than anyone else did. So I poured myself into him. I put my trust in him. I relied on him for my self-worth and value. I gave myself to him in every way - physically, emotionally, even spiritually. I looked to Mike for things only God can give.

I think it's important to tell you that even though I was wrapped up in this person and he was loving me the way he knew, the void was still there if I looked for it. I mean, I could float on emotion for a long time. I could feel really good. But the void was still there, and it came up in my journal. One entry asks, "What, in my life, has so much importance that it's part of my soul? I can't think of anything. It makes me feel really empty." I thank God for those moments because those are the moments of reality and truth. Without Christ, we ARE empty and WILL lead a meaningless existence of searching and never finding. He must find us. And when he does, then our lives begin. But I'm getting ahead of myself!

The place I reached -emotionally- where my strength finally gave out was as close to "rock bottom" as I have ever been. It's hard to remember what led to the breakdown, really. I hid so much inside and told so many lies. I vaguely remember talking to a counselor about having to be strong all the time, and I know there was always family drama that I would be trying to stabilize. Maybe it was stress from working, dancing, school, family... I do remember exhaustion and feeling so alone. Those were contributors, I'm sure, but the bottom line was that I needed The Savior and worshiped my boyfriend instead.

Where was my "love" now when I began to crumble? He was confused by me, and dealt with it by distance and harsh words. He was a seventeen year old boy! When you make someone other than God, God, they're going to let you down. So the god I'd created abandoned me, and my world crashed around me. I couldn't get myself up.