Back and Forth about being Brother and Sister

A new brother acquaintance wrote:
Interesting yet good ideas that you put in your profile about what to do on a first date. are you saying that things like phone calls, letters, time alone (in a public setting) are out of the question?

I responded:
In regards to the dating thing on my profile... Actually, there is a huge freedom that comes with being brother and sister, I've found. A freedom in trust. I didn't mean to list a set of rules. :) Quite the opposite, with a man whom I know truly seeks only to know me as a sister, I feel a freedom to BE his sister - much as a biological sister may be. Because I know that he's not interpreting anything I do or say as romantic in any way, I don't have to be conscientious of what I may be conveying the whole time. Know what I mean?

It works both ways, too. I'm not getting to know you with any thoughts of wanting to make you like me, or asking, "home, would I like to marry this person?" Nor am I going to interpret your behavior as romantic.

I like your ideas about relationships. But I wonder, how will you ever get beyond brother/sister relationships??? I mean, do you think your going to just wake up some morning married to a wonderful husband? If your never allowed to send any signals, or if your never allowing anyone to send you signals, then you will die a virgin!

One of the great things about bro/sis relationships is that you won't get beyond them unnecessarily. When you submit initial romantic feelings to God, you can continue in simply getting to know the person without all the drama. My experience has been that I meet someone, start getting to know them, have romantic feelings, so begin dating, then realize that we wouldn't be a good partnership for whatever reasons, then break up, and as much as you say you want to stay friends, you usually don't. In the meantime, so much emotional energy and time is wasted in thinking about something that was never meant to be!

If you commit to being brother and sister it has a different outcome. You meet them (or type haha), start getting to know them, romantic feelings probably come (it's a little different if you haven't met, but say you eventually meet and then you have romantic feelings) - here it's different. Instead of acting on those feelings and dating, you submit them to the Lord. It's not that you pretend they're not there, but you don't dwell on them. Realize that that is chemistry, and decide to continue being brother and sister. Loving without thinking romantically about them. And then keep getting to know each other. The romantic feelings will go away as you get to know them ... or they may stay as you get to know them. Either way, the commitment remains to be brother and sister and seek God together.

Do you see how you will be able to know and trust someone so well without the romantic stuff getting in the way? You will be able to love a woman as God loves her: in a way that draws her to Him, not to you. That is love. And if God wills, then He will draw her to you. But by the time you get to the point of God drawing you to each other, you will already know and trust each other so much.

It seems like we forget who God is when it comes to relationships - suddenly, here in this realm of life, we have to take control and make everything happen. But it's just not true. We seek God. We encourage each other in our walks and in our lives - we challenge each other to grow. We truly love by keeping each other focused on Jesus Christ, rather than on our relationship or on each other's feelings. If it is that our lives will best serve God's Kingdom by being united as husband and wife, do you not think He will reveal that clearly?

Reading my own words, I can see how they may make this kind of relationship seem legalistic - or calculated, I guess. But the irony is in the freedom that comes with this. The trust that allows two people to simply KNOW each other! It makes for trusting, meaningful, deep relationships between men and women of God, that bring all parties closer to Him, and most will continue on as brother and sister unto eternity.

But one woman you will get to know deeply, trust deeply, draw ever closer to God with, and realize that your lives can be best used by God as husband and wife. And it's not based on romantic feelings, though they are there strongly, but on the strength in your relationships with God and with each other - you could not love her if you loved not God, and you could not love God if you loved not her. Forever. And she knows the same is true of her love for you. And you will not die virgins! :)

I totally agree, but its hard to its hard, just about impossible to set romantic feelings aside. well, I guess I can think of a few times I have, and Im glad I did. But then there are other times that I wish women would have spoken up instead of trying to just drop hints all the time, or expecting me to figure it out. But ya, in the larger picture romantic feelings aren't worth much.

But I wonder, you say if God wills it then "He will draw her to you". Well, just how might that look? I mean, lets face it, sooner or later someone is going to have to step out and take things a bit further than just bro and sis. But up until that point I totally agree with you.

I wonder why you seem to be so clear on all this? I didn't look at that web site yet. Its almost like reading a book. lol It all sounds good in theory, but Im afraid that is all it is. It would be great if it worked like that all the time. It saddens me that it doesn't.

To set back and think "God will bring me the one at the right time" is crazy. (I wanted to use a stronger word but couldn't spell it) We can pray and pray and pray all we want, but Jesus didn't just say "ask and it will be given to you", He went further. You will notice it is "ask,seek, knock". In just about anything, maybe even everything, we humans must do our part.

Hey, don't get me wrong here, I'm challenging you on this because I'm not clear on it myself, not because I think I am right. I've never been in a romance relationship so I guess I don't really know what it is like.

Here is something else to think about. Your 21, Im 25. When I was 21 I could think like you are, I was waiting for God to act. But, now I'm 25, still living at home, still working the same job I had in high school, still as single as the day I was born, and nothing has really changed all that much. There is a time to pray, a time to wait, and a time to take action. All the prayer, all the waiting will do no good with out action. That applies to everything. In the ministry, in secular work, and in relationships.

Good questions, all. :) I'll respond as best I can. Also wanted to clarify - should have said this before - relationships are unique things, I understand that very well. And I don't expect that my convictions are the only right ones; obviously many godly people have met and dated and married in God's will, enjoying romance before they were engaged. This is simply the perspective God has given me - it suits my needs as He created me, and perhaps the man who will be my husband is the only man who shares it! That would be fine. :) So as you are not trying to change my convictions, I am not trying to change yours, either.

Maybe I should start with one sentence that might answer everything.

the sum (the scenario with the woman who you'll marry):

you get to know each other, without bringing romance into it, to the point that you completely trust each other, know each other's goals and dreams, see that you have the same/complementary major goals (or direction, anyway), see that you can serve together, ministry together makes sense more than ministry apart, you get along and like each other, you know each other's families, you know each other's strengths and weaknesses and you complement each other, your life vision is the same - and makes sense to go together... all these things line up and you know she's the woman God has for you for life. It only makes sense that you be together. And THEN you ask her to be your wife, and her heart is yours to romance.

You save all the other women from being hurt, and you save yourself from being hurt, by NOT acting on feelings until you establish that your union would actually make sense! And you can have friendships that aren't maimed by break-ups because you've put aside the feelings and just gotten to know them - and seen that they aren't the ONE. But they are your sisters, so you can still invest in them as sisters. And the romantic feelings will go away when you know they're not HER. That's not just theory. :)

you said: "it's hard, just about impossible to set romantic feelings aside." agreed. It's also hard to set thoughts of any other strong temptation aside, but we have to or else sin overtakes us. It's not that you can make yourself stop feeling... it's that you CAN choose to not think about the feelings. Not dwell on them. You CAN choose to dwell on other things (Phil 4:8).

"He will draw her to you". Well, just how might that look?

I guess I wasn't clear on this - It's not that you never step out and move forward to pursue her heart. It's that you wait beyond the first feelings and get to really know her. You step out in asking her to be your wife! If this is the woman that you will marry, she will love you AND have romantic feelings for you that won't go away. God will turn her heart to you.

My friend Julie met her now husband and wasn't attracted to him. (That helps in fending off romantic feelings! haha) But as she got to know him, she knew he was the man for her (this is WAY before they were engaged. They dated 3 years! how they waited that long, I don't know.) anyway, she prayed that God would make her love him the way He wanted her to. And of course she did grow to love him romantically - I watched it happen! We were roommates in New York for the first year they dated in person. They had a distance relationship for a year first.

So that's what I mean by "God will draw her to you" - her heart will be drawn to love your heart purely AND romantically if she is to be your wife.

"It all sounds good in theory, but Im afraid that is all it is."

I have one brother who shares this perspective, and it's not just theory. But for sure, it takes both people having a mutual and solid understanding of the whole concept, and being committed to living it. You can't pretend with this. I can't say I'm just your sister, but meanwhile think of you romantically and dream about our future, etc. That would be totally dishonest and unfair to you. I'd be saying one thing so you would trust me, but then thinking totally differently. Not ok.

In order for it to really work - in order for that complete trust and in order to be able to stave off feelings and just be brother and sister, both have to have been convicted by the Spirit and walk the journey in grace. Otherwise it won't hold up. But I HAVE experienced this relationship, and it's amazing. It's FREEDOM! I tried to explain what it's like in the entry on the web site I gave you. With Luke, I did feel more than platonic love for him at first, and submitted it to the Lord. That is surrendered to His control; Truly, Luke is my brother. I don't know how to explain it. It's a very conscious submission. My natural inclination is to want to think of him romantically and ponder what could happen in the future and work out possible scenarios... but no! That's not for me to do. I give those feelings and questions to the Lord and trust that He'll work it all out for good - whatever that entails. And I stop the thoughts there, and dwell on Christ and how I may best encourage my brother to His likeness.

I'm under the impression that you don't want some guy trying to romance you. :o) I did look at that web site you gave me, seemed to be a lot of the same as in your letters.

I do like your perspective, although I have never met anyone who has that perspective. It seems like a cold way of doing it, almost like buying tires for your car. No excitement, no fire crackers, you just one day decide to marry a guy/gal that you have read all the spects on but never really gotten deep with them.

On the practical side, just what would it look like for a couple to follow through on your perspective? How would you go about getting to know a guy you think your interested in?

I have heard of courting, which is my preference, but really, I couldn't care much less about the process as long as it is done in a Godly manner. But, your way will certainly spare broken hearts.

I have not yet responded to the last questions. I'm not sure how to make myself any more clear. I think the best response to this is Luke Patin's final essay that I linked to above. I'll link it again: Living Out Trust.