Brotherly Love as only children of God can Know

This past weekend I learned first-hand what it is to trust a brother fully and to want to love him in a way that allows him to best serve the Kingdom of God. There is a HUGE freedom in this trust.

The basis of our understanding and relationship with each other is that we are brother and sister in the Lord and will remain that eternally. Only if my brother offers me his hand in marriage will romance enter the picture. Until then, we are friends and fellow servants of Christ. It's not a lesser relationship or a testing ground for future possibilities of romance. It is what it is: a gift and a responsibility to love with pure hearts, seeking to spur each other on toward Christ. The focus is on Him. There is an understanding that neither person has ulterior motives for getting to know the other. I am not trying to make him like me, or constantly viewing him with the thought, "hmmm, would I want to marry this man?" Rather, I want to know his heart as God's child and how I may encourage him on in his faith and life. I want to be challenged and encouraged by him, as well - to draw each other closer to God. It is worth investing in the relationship, and continuing to invest even if it becomes clear that brother and sister is the "only" bond we will share.

In relationships without this understanding of brotherly love, it seems either the man or the woman gives up on it if it doesn't move beyond a friendship. The message given and received is that a male/female friendship isn't worth investing in. This way of thinking is so "off" from Scripture. The reasoning is that "it's not going anywhere," but the Bible is clear that in Heaven joint heirs and family is what we'll be! These brother/sister relationships are eternal!

Not only is the relationship eternal, but the fruits of the relationship are of eternal consequence. Much is gained for the Kingdom when two people submit their romantic feelings to the Lord and focus on being a brother or sister instead of a boyfriend or girlfriend.

I want to try and convey the trust that is in this relationship because it's so different from anything I've experienced prior.

In other relationships with men my age I am very careful to not do or say anything that may be seen even slightly as a sign of romantic interest. When the understanding that we're brother and sister is solid and mutual, it's not that I am free to be flirtatious by any means (nor would I want to be), but that I don't have to worry about him interpreting anything romantically.

Touch is one of my "love languages" - if you've heard about those (very interesting to learn and helpful in effectively showing people how you love them. We tend to want to receive love the way we most naturally give it). For the most part, I refrain from touching the men in my life (except for a few older men I'm close with at church who are all married) because I don't wish for any misunderstandings. However, I experienced a great freedom here with my brother because I knew he wouldn't misunderstand. Please don't run with this and blow it way out of proportion. I wasn't all over him - purity is very important to God and to me, and to my brother. But the freedom is in being able to express that I care about him in a way natural to me: to pat his back in reassurance, elbow him if he's teasing me, give him a hug when we've had an awesome conversation or are saying goodbye. To say, even physically, "I care about you. You are special to me" (not exclusively special, but special as all my brothers and sisters are). "I value your encouragement and your trust. I appreciate who you are and who you're striving to become." "My fellow pilgrim and brother, I love you as only a sister in the Lord can."

This is a level of trust that only comes when both people are fully convicted of and submitted to the design of a relationship that is un-romantic until a proposal is made. I cannot FULLY trust a brother my age who may want to pursue me romantically, or may want me to think of him that way. I just can't. There is always that shakiness there. It may be exciting, but it makes for insecurity. Personally, it makes me always conscientious of my behavior and what I might be portraying. I have to focus on myself as he sees me, whereas with a "brother-until-husband" (yes, I know he'll still be my brother, but that'd make for a lot of hyphens) I can let go of all that - and save the emotional energy - and focus on knowing him for who he is and how we can know and serve the Lord more. And he can focus on knowing me for who I am, etc., also, because he trusts that I am not interpreting his words or actions as romantic in any way.

So there IS great trust IN this relationship, and it also TAKES trust on both parts. Do not pretend to have this understanding and then still have the same romantic motivations and intentions in mind, or you are being deceptive and manipulative, and certainly not a loving brother or sister. Seek to know your brother or sister's heart in this regard before you put your trust in them. It's easy to fool ourselves into thinking we only desire to be a brother or sister, but still allow the romantic questions to float in our mind. Be honest with yourself, and ask God to show you your heart so that you're not decieved by it.

Romantic feelings will come. When you get to know someone with that kind of intimacy and trust, you probably WILL feel more than platonic love for them. But that's where, as Christians, we can surrender to the Lord. Submit those feelings unto Him. It's not that He will eradicate them, but that He will take the reigns and, as Elisabeth Elliot writes, teach us to long for something more (Himself).

It's also important to be disciplined in our thoughts. If we dwell on the temptation of the feelings, we will succumb to them. Just don't focus on it. Don't allow yourself to think about how much you like this person, what you could see in the future, etc. Give it to the Lord and trust that He'll work His Plan out in your life and it will be good, whatever it entails. And stop the thoughts there.

Focus on God and Who He is. Focus on growing in His likeness, serving, reaching out, challenging and encouraging the people in your life, sharing His word... There are so many places to invest our energy and thoughts that are profitable for His glory. Don't waste your life dreaming of a person that doesn't yet belong to you, and maybe never will.

Finally brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy -- meditate on these things. Philippians 4:8

The One, Triune God (Father, Son, Spirit) is all these things. Meditate on Him and His word, obey what you see and hear therein, and He will dwell with you and make you prosper in Him.