Where do I go from here?

Today I began reading Thoreau's "Walden."

'Who shall say what prospect life offers to another? Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?'

I often run into the parents of people I went to high school with, and I always get the same look when the conversation inevitably turns to what I'm doing at the moment. I grew up in a very affluent town, and so the vast majority of my peers graduated high school and went off to university where they are now seniors. Yesterday evening as I browsed the library shelves (and came upon Thoreau), I met a father. His daughter will graduate from Tufts this year, and in his eyes my life falls so short of what should be expected. If only he could see it as I do, as my Lord does. His pitying look would vanish instantly and be replaced with awe, excitement, mayhap even envy (though I shouldn't wish this sin on him, of course).

Don't get me wrong: I would love to study full time, immersed in a culture of learning and questioning and expressing. I wrestle with the possibility of diving into that environment again, studying English and writing and languages and heading down a career path toward editing and freelancing. But I'm stopped by the other desire of my heart: to be a wife and mother, a career that will not pay off any accrued debt from going to university, yet that is more valuable and dear to my being than any other.

So I gladly serve at the deli counter, saving as much as I can to take a class here and there (I quite over-estimated my budget a few months ago, but thankfully I'll still be able to take English). I'm teaching myself French and Spanish instead of taking the classes, and getting much use out of my library card. My job is looked down on by those with "higher opportunities," but you've read the testimony of the Lord's working through sliced meat. :) My pride doesn't like the assumtions made about me by some customers and by people who ask what I'm up to lately - I struggle to submit to the Lord, to resist the urging need to prove my competence outside this work. My spirit is thankful for the constant lessons in humility. :) Because this is where God has me at this moment, and the possibilities in serving Him through family far outweigh the enticing glamour of metropolitan singleness.

Perhaps it need not be an either or - maybe my thinking is off, and I'm boxing myself in. It's really hard to want to be une femme au foyer while being very single. Obviously the Lord doesn't want me to sit and wait for that life to begin (nor do I!), but wouldn't it be foolish to embark toward a career that could be interrupted within a couple years, leaving a pile of loans to pay off? Am I trying to plan too much ahead? See, if I knew I would be single for the next ten years, I'd go for it. And it'd be awesome! Really, I have no reason to think I won't be single for the next ten years! Ha! Except that I don't want to be. I want to get married and have a family while I'm young and have lots of energy. I see families at the deli with their little ones and I want that so much. Showing kids the lobsters and seeing their excitement to learn about them is often the highlight of my day. I would never give up being a mom for being a career woman no matter how much I loved my job. Nothing could compare. But then, 32 is still young. Eh, who am I kidding. Ha

What to do, then? Pray. Lord, use me here and direct my steps. You know the desires of my heart because You put them there. I can only rest in the assurance that my life is in Your steady hands, and You will indeed guide me along as You wish. But what is my part in this, Father? How do I know when to step out? Right now I just want it to be clear cut and obvious! Oh, me of little faith. :) sigh. I trust You, Lord.