Life. Such an interesting ride. I can only smile and wonder what will come next - really having no idea what God has in store. Even when the daily occupational things are quite settled, the people that come in and out of those settlings surprise and delight. Sometimes wrench and cause internal bleeding. But how good is it to feel?? To be alive?? To care for another person so deeply, even if just weeks or months ago they were unknown to you.

When I first read the proverb that advises to "guard your heart" I misinterpreted it drastically. I used it as an excuse to build the walls up (you know the cliche). Guard my heart against being hurt, being known, being loved - and keep from knowing and loving others. How I rationalized that perspective in light of the whole of Scripture, I haven't the faintest. Except that I wanted to.

Still I war with the tendency to hide myself. Words flow easily in writing, but somewhere between my heart and my vocal chords they get lost at times. There are few people with whom the level of trust is such that what's speaking inside of me speaks outside, as well. Why is this? It's all the usual lies from my enemy feeding insecurity that has no rational bearing. Get behind me, Satan!

Lord, where is the victory? Why is it so fleeting so often? The victory is in You, I know this. Why can I know something so well, and yet not be transformed by it in a lasting way? I so want to finish the fight and have it be over - kill the flesh and bury it, never to see it rise again. Will this be a battle never ending until the final death and resurrection? A wearying thought.

Lord, fight for me - hold me tightly in Your hand, in the Father's hand that I would have the strength to fight also. And may victory come today, each morning even if not the final one. If it is not finished, let it be closer, I pray.