The 10th of October, 2003

I love ironies. This afternoon I threw in some laundry and treated myself to my favorite movie: The Four Feathers. Toward the end of it, Dad came in with the mail. I received a letter today from Stacy, my roommate while at Trinity Western. In October of that semester, she, Karissa, and I had watched The Four Feathers together (a film about honor among other things, with an honorable love story entwined). When it ended, as we walked down the hall back to our dorm, we spoke of this moment in our lives and wondered what it would be like looking back. And so we decided to each write a letter right then - a snapshot of the present - and trade them, to return to each other at least a year later. It has been almost two, and how interesting to read my words.

Dated the 10th of October, 2003:

Lord~

I write to always remember this time in my life where the future is unsure and the dream of my husband is still a dream. None of us - Karissa K..., Stacy R..., or myself, Amanda B... know who you will lead into our lives, who we will marry and serve you with the rest of our time on this earth. Father, I pray for that man - for his growth, purity, boldness, leadership... I pray You are guiding his every step and drawing him to Yourself constantly. I thank You that the perfection of our meeting, friendship, falling into love, and final covenant with You in union is designed only by Your hands.

Lord, I pray for myself - that You would lead me to becoming the godly woman You created me to be, and the godly woman my husband is seeking in his heart. Father, I pray for the desires for Your goodness and for the plans You have for me. That the longings of my heart would match Yours. I thank You for strong Faith; for discipline and bold love in Your name; for my Christian sisters here at school and the godly examples and mentors back home. For Wayne P... and his wisdom, guidance, and affection. For Doreen's compassion and example of what You want me to be.

I lift my family up to You, and can only hope and pray for the revelation of Yourself in them. I thank You for Stacy's unyielding faith in Your power and will and mercy in answering prayers. I pray for that kind of faith. Thank You for a trusting faith, a consistent faith. I pray for a miracle-expecting faith.

A note: For the first time I feel I no longer have a secular self. I cannot separate this part from that. You are everything that I am. I am nothing except Yours. Thank You.

I do not know what my calling is, except that I am to glorify Christ and follow Him. I thought so surely that I was meant to be a nurse and go to Africa and come home and get married and have a family... and so on according to my own lovely plans. Father, as I have prayed, I don't want my plans. I want Yours. I lay my life at Your feet not knowing, but trusting. Having assurance that Your way is perfection beyond my imaginings and one day I will look back and be so ever grateful that I didn't lead myself into mediocrity when You will lead me into excellence. I love You, Lord. Every bone in my body sings Your praises.

I am settled into University life - felt at home here the moment I landed my suitcases at the Welcome Center. For the first time since grade school I have a circle of close girlfriends whom I dearly love as sisters, and am reaching out to love new people without worry of myself or my own insecurities getting in the way. I pray that I can be as loving outside of this safe, Christian community as I am within. For as Christ Himself said, we are not here to heal the healthy, but the sick.

Also interesting, I have trouble understanding the unbeliever and the rationalization of atheism. My own prior convictions are nonsense to me now, and I truly cannot grasp the logic. It is troublesome in evangelism - I pray I am able to relate still. What use am I if I can only connect with Christians in a world where I am called to be a light and a hand to those in need of a Savior? I do not mean I am the savior, of course. I suppose God will use me and give me the words. I shall not despair. I cannot be made useless so long as He is living in me, and I in Him.

I am content. I feel peace, rest, security in Jesus Christ. I am fulfilled and joyous. Though so much of life is unknown and could go in any direction, I know my purpose and ultimate destination is Christ-likeness and His Kingdom. There are days when I long for His coming to be NOW; days when I would so love to be Home forever and dwell in Heaven, but while I always look to that Day for hope and perseverance, I know in my heart of hearts that His time will be the truest and best time and He has me on this earth to glorify Himself. My wanting to get out of that early is neither what I want nor what He wants.

So, Amanda Pauline, where are you now? I pray you have grown. I pray Christ glows out of you more than ever before and that even non-believers look at you and see Christ. I pray you do not let fear stand in the way of enlightenment. I pray you are vulnerable, open, loving, trusting of people, with people, for people as Christ was and was with you. I pray that you are a faithful servant, putting everyone before yourself and seeking their and His praise, not your own. I pray you are godly. Pure. Bold. Love-filled. Giving of everything you are, everything you have. Strong. Humble. Wise. Full of God's truth and living a life reflecting that truth. I pray you love God with a heartbreaking love - heartbreaking, and being healed by Him. Overflowing. I pray He is still everything to you, that He makes you alive and shining.

I love You, Jesus! Oh, Father God in Heaven! How I love being Your child. How precious You are to me - how grateful I am. Everything for You, Lord, for You cost everything and You are worth the price. Make my life a prayer to You, a living sacrifice. May I bring glory to Your name and a smile to Your face. I love you.

In the name of Your Son through Whom we are holy, pure, saved,
Amen.
Signed 10-10-03

Reading that prayer from two years ago, I could have written it today. Lord, You have been so good and faithful, and You will continue to be. Thank You.

Tonight my friend Luke arrives from Chicago - we've been pen pals sporadically since the spring after I came home from Trinity, and he's visiting for the first time. His faith is sure and strong, and it will be so good to have a Christian man in my home for a few days. I pray he might connect with my dad and brother. The Lord will work according to His pleasure. This I know.

I've been asked to be a small group leader for three of the youth group girls, and I accept with great excitement - a little nervousness. :) Pray for me, and for these hearts whom I look forward to knowing, loving, and being known and loved by. It will be a challenge - one I so look forward to. Thank You, Father, that Your grace is sufficient for me and for us. May Your name be praised and may we all grow closer to You and to each other. In Christ's name. Amen.