Perfect love casts out fear... thoughts on learning to accept that

The heavens are crying.

A rainstorm is beautiful behind glass; behind a screen... only the coolness of the breeze that sweeps the droplets permeates. Tree branches swish and their leaves quiver with the movement, taking turns being exposed and then being sheltered.

As a girl I never felt safe during thunder storms. My brother and uncles would take game in terrifying me with stories of people being struck by lightning; I suppose thinking that their laughter might show me not to be afraid? Even in high school I would sleep in the basement if it began to rain strongly. Yet I wanted to be a storm chaser. :) Over-compensation, perhaps? One extreme to the next... Now I see my Creator as I watch storms come in. But still now I would rather be sheltered and in strong arms as the skies alight with ferocity than be bared in the midst, on my own. The little girl remains, needing reassurance. I am in my Father's strong arms... learning to trust other strong arms.

The Spirit revealed a bit more of my own heart to me driving home from work last night. Yet another fear of trusting... I have seen time and again God not giving me what I so deserve - of having every reason to bear deserved consequences, but He mercifully spares me of them. The most deserved, and greatest mercy of course being that I should have been condemned to hell, but Christ died in my stead. It would be easier to receive justice in these little things; to constantly be shown mercy is a love that hurts. It is a mercy that shows how much of my life I haven't been loved, how much I don't expect to be loved. My heart is not merciful like that. I don't love mercy. I distrust it. I want what I deserve; I want people to get what they deserve.

That is so revealing. That is so not like Christ. The renewing of my mind is perhaps the longest process. How long will it take for me to trust? Should I desire mercy in these little things? Right now my thought is, "When I have made these mistakes, when I have messed things up, I ought to pay for it. If I made the choice, I should take the punishment." Part of me cringes every time I end up not taking the punishment, every time God works it out so I get away free. It's too good. I don't deserve it. He loves me too much.

When people love me like that, as they are more and more, I distrust them, also. And I want to distance myself... The old mind is saying that it's supposed to hurt - people are supposed to hurt; their love can't be real, it can't be trusted. It is subtle, though. This old mind speaks the deepest lie, hissing just loud enough to make me doubt the truth of the love that at the same time I do know is real and is to be trusted. Father, renew my mind, I pray. Teach me to love mercy. Please love me until I joyfully expect it; and please give my brothers and sisters courage and patience to keep loving me until I expect it from them, as well... until I am thankful for it, until I am not afraid.

In Jesus' name.