Beginning to delight in being delightful

currently listening: a CD a deli customer gave me when I asked what he was listening to (I had to keep repeating myself because he was ordering meat with ear plugs in :) ). He frowned as he tried to think of how to describe it, then said, "You wouldn't understand..." I asked further questions, and he said, "Well, you know what? How 'bout this..." and he took the cd out of his player and put it on the countertop. "Cool! Thanks, man!" I thought that was so awesome - I love sharing things like that. I have something neat; here, you experience it. It's techno/electronica... brings to mind the chase scenes in futuristic action movies like "The Bourne Identity" or that Tom Cruise movie where they foresaw crimes and then arrested the assaulter before the crime was committed. I bet Blue Man Group uses music like this.

Some breakthroughs this week: #1. Tuesday night Wayne came to visit me at the deli, and as we hugged he said, "How's the 'light of my life' today?" and I just paused and said, "huh.... I'm good!"(I know, "well" is grammatically proper. :) ) That struck to my core - to be so loved! It is amazing - the instant connection that Wayne's love is to my God's love for me. I'm not a constant disappointment to Him; I'm a delight! Again, another box I've put God in revealed... I am glad to shatter that one. He is not like my earthly father in the way he sees me. He does see beauty and delight and a daughter to be cherished. Wayne's love for me is a reflection of His, and it is so powerful.

#2. This breakthrough came through a letter of Jim Elliot's excerpted in "Shadow of the Almighty." I have been talking to Wendy a lot about being intimidated and not knowing how to share myself with people. And of always feeling like I'm not doing enough; I'm not saying the right things, etc. It's only in certain situations and with certain "types" of people, but it has been hindering. We've been working through figuring out where the insecurity is and how to overcome. And I read this:

"One of my renaissance experiences was to get among kids who were on a different spiritual level than my own, and enjoy fellowship with them. I found a very subtle snare in so doing. I sought their fellowship in order that I might minister to them, 'be a help,' you know, to these 'weaker' ones. What a rebuke came when I sensed my real motive - that I might minister. Love hacks right at this, for she refused to parade herself. I learned to recognize no 'spiritual planes,' but simply to love, purely, in every group. Trying to 'be a help' even has a smell of good works in it, for it is not pure. Our motive is only to be - do nothing, know nothing, act nothing - just to be a sinful bit of flesh, born of a Father's love. Then you see, Beloved, there can be no defeat.

'If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same...'

So whether knowledge tends to swell me up, or the despair of the flesh would make me shrivel up, the love of Christ 'holds me together.' Any little occasion then has meaning, if only I can love while it lasts." (from Shadow of the Almighty, Elisabeth Elliot)

The people I have sought to 'be a help' to are not other believers, rather the unbelievers at work and in my family. Where I've tried so hard to know what to say to them and to figure out what exactly they need from me in order to best see Christ in me. Ha! So misguided I have been! I need only to be, to love! To be a present lump of sinful dust... and love. It is so simple; I finally get it! There is nothing to be afraid of; I have only to be myself! I am enough because Christ is in me.

Breakthrough #3. Taking steps toward loving who "myself" is, and living my life as myself; recognizing what brings me 'alive' - what makes my soul glad. I have lived so "spiritualized"... I've been missing out on the joy of just being the human I am. God has designed and is in and delights in the holistic persons we are, not just our spirituality. I've known that, but I haven't KNOWN that. I get for the first time why every part of our lives are worshipful - because if we're living as He designed us to, we're glorifying Him in His creation; we're enjoying the way He made us and praising Him for it.

Thank You, God, for designing me as You did. Thank You for creating me to love You and love Your Word (a creation that continues every day); thank You for languages and giving me the ability to learn them and enjoy accents and interpreting and trying to understand other perspectives; thank you for dancing! thank You for ballet classes and making me glad in dancing; thank You for a love of music and musicians whose hearts are for Christ; thank You for the joy in listening and singing;

Thank You for the beauty in this world - thank You for eyes that see it and are glad in it! Thank You for giving me a heart that loves the sky and sunsets, artwork in all its forms; thank You for the beauty of faces and hearts; Thank You for giving me a love of creating! Thank You for words and making me a writer.

Thank You for friends and thoughtfulness; You created me to love finding little gifts that suit perfectly - there is so much joy in that. Thank You for making me affectionate. Thank You for giving me a heart that recognizes and appreciates sincerity; thank You for the joy in faithfully authentic brothers and sisters.

And thank You for making me one who loves home; thank You for restoring to me a love of being loved. I pray this only grows and deepens and transforms me. Thank You for making me to love kids. I don't know how I could live without them. Thank You for creating me to enjoy laughter; thank You for the smile in little things - I see Your fingerprints on little notes to make me smile every day. There is much to this person You created and named Your own. Father, caress my heart to love myself and to gladly offer all that I am in loving everyone.

In Christ alone, AMEN.