Today's hours found my mom and I together in the kitchen, baking cookies and making soups which we enjoyed ourselves and then brought to my aunt Sara this evening. She gave birth to Morgan almost three weeks ago... what a precious little girl. I held her, asleep and peaceful except for a few little grunts and stretches and murmurs; stood up to rock her when she woke for a moment and her face crinkled up with the beginnings of a cry. She lulled back into slumber as I sang quietly words of grace... prayers over a tiny life in the care of two unbelievers.

I see in my mom evidence of the Lord working. It seems this coming year will see her back in her Father's house and worshipping. There are so many pieces that fit into God's dealings with us... She asked how Derek and I relate spiritually -- do we pray together? What does that look like? And we're studying Ephesians together - what is Ephesians about? She has asked for my discipleship books - to study the essential doctrines of the faith. It is interesting... this time she is seeking God while her life is "together" - rather than looking for a way to fix things.

Sweet manifestations of God's immeasurable goodness.

I never would have dreamed that this year's Christmas season could be so "other" from last year's.

Funny that the hardest year should be followed by the sweetest.

I watched the Nativity movie a couple of weeks ago and met my Savior again as I watched. One of the wisemen in the film is depicted as a skeptic who travels the whole way nay-saying and mocking and disbelieving, then sees the three stars align in the sky according to the prophecy. They follow the new brightness to the place where Mary lay holding this Son of God that they'd read about in the old scrolls. Seeing the babe, realizing he was so very wrong and that this IS the newborn King, the wiseman bows before him with the most trembling of all the worshippers.

This is our God. Wow.

I am becoming part of a second church family and coming to love so many new brothers and sisters. Every other week I go with Derek and on the opposite he comes to my family after his first service (there is a man named John who is autistic that D takes care of Sunday mornings).

I am so enjoying this season of our relationship - of being past nervousness and self-consciousness and just enjoying who each other is. I love seeing Jesus in him - to know who he was just five years ago and then watch the man I see today... I'm blown away by the grace of God. And I wish you could meet him. :)

First and foremost, he loves the Lord with all his heart, mind, soul, and strength. More today than yesterday, more tomorrow than today... He loves people and relates so well. The Lord has given him a remarkable sensitivity to where people are and how they're feeling, and he uses it to meet them right there and minister to their heart. I don't know how else to word it. It has been a joy watching him meet my families:

Here, joking around with Wendy, bringing out Marge's playfulness [and checking on her as she went through treatment for her foot], singing with Hannah and drawing out her beauty... With my brother, seeing past the edge and putting him at ease, relating to his isolation and inviting him out [he wasn't interested in many invitations, but he DOES want to go sledding with us :) ] , Derek just is who he is - he's real and honest... my brother respects that. I am excited to see how God will use him with Heath.

My mom loves him, but she hasn't verbally shared why beyond saying that he's nice and "so cute."

He hasn't met my dad and Barb, yet. But we will because - this is funny - his friend Tyler invited us to go line dancing with him a month ago or so. We haven't been able to, yet. But come to find out, Tyler (who is from Mass) line dances in NH at the same place as my dad and Barb. So when D and I go with him, Dad and Barb will go with us, too!

I was so thankful - Karissa was able to spend an evening with him when she came to visit. The three of us had dinner at my mom's with her and Rich. Tenderness. That is what she noticed most. "He's just so tender with you." That night, tenderness was what I needed. It was exhausting for me, and Karissa and D gave me so much strength.

Anyway, he is quality and so much fun. A story-teller and entertainer. He's a magnet for kids and can't wait to be a dad - and he'll be an awesome one, relying on grace. His heart overflows, and you can't help joining him in the song. AND.... he loves to dance. That just makes me smile.

Yesterday, driving home from church, he asked me for Wayne and Pastor's phone numbers. I left them on his voicemail when I got home, and when I saw both at the Christmas Cantata in the evening, they said they'd received calls and had dates set up to meet him. That is his leadership and initiative.

I guess the man who is my brother and was an acquaintance and became a friend may soon become more than a friend. Gladly, it is in God's perfect timing, which I am learning to wait joyfully in... to be like a child at advent who truly enjoys opening the window every day and savoring what is there... building up to Christmas Day, but not rushing past all the days in between.

God is so good. Here is just another manifestation of it. A very sweet manifestation. I can only say Thank You. He is another of so many undeserved gifts from my beautiful Father. Wow.

Ahh... (as in, "Oh, I see")

Oswald Chambers hits home again.

It is a snare to imagine that God wants to make us perfect specimes of what He can do; God's purpose is to make us one with Himself...If you go off on this idea of personal holiness, the dead-set of your life will not be for God, but for what you call the manifestation of God in your life...

The thing that tells for God is not your relevant consistency to an idea of what a saint should be, but your real vital relation to Jesus Christ, and your abandonment to Him whether you are well or ill. Christian perfection is not, and never can be, human perfection. Christian perfection is the perfection of a relationship to God which shows itself amid the irrelevancies of human life...

I am called to live in perfect relation to God so that my life produces a longing after God in other lives, not admiration for myself. Thoughts about myself hinder my usefulness to God. God is not after perfecting me to be a specimen in His showroom; He is getting me to the place where He can use me. Let Him do what He likes.

I begin my internship tomorrow at a podiatric practice. I get to be like Jesus and wash people's feet. :) This shall be my verse as I work clinically below what I am able with unbelieving doctors and staff and patients: "Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse geneation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life..."

Verses that strengthened me last night as I went to God with so many questions and searching for Security:

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen.

"Your word is sweet nourishment to my soul, Father. I am comforted and given peace. Your grace flows from Your Word to me. Thank you." (my journal)

Your testimonies are my delight and my counselors.

My soul melts from heaviness; strengthen me according to Your word.

Let Your mercies come also to me, O Lord -
Your sanctification acccording to Your word.
So shall I have an answer for him who reproaches me,
For I trust in Your word.

And I will walk at liberty,
For I seek Your precepts.

You are my hiding place and my shield,
I hope in Your word.

Uphold me according to Your Word, that I may life,
And do not let me be ashamed of my hope.

I rejoice at Your word
As one who finds great treasure.

"God's road to marriage stays on the high ground between the two extremes (lawlessness and legalism). It doesn't abandon the Bible's principles and commands, but neither does it resort to formulas." (Boy Meets Girl, Joshua Harris)

journal:

"I was so stressed this afternoon/evening. But Lord, remind me that I live for You alone. You have brought D into my life at this moment. Why would I try to write him out? Why stress about what's coming? You will take my heart where it needs to go to meet his. You will heal and teach and lead in Your perfect timing. Father, I choose to enjoy each step of the way.

I'm sick of analyzing everything about myself. I just want to enjoy BEING. Life is so good - God is so good. HE loves me unconditionally. That should be my foundation and my security. I'm feeling more insecure by spending so much time focusing on my state and my parents influence. When I focus on knowing the Lord, then I am strong and sturdy."

Today was a really great day. I'll have to blog about it sometime.

Unconditional Love. I don't get it.

I thought I did. And in my mind, I do. But when it comes to living it out every day, I still don't get it. Or, I still can't accept it. I want to. I want to understand and enjoy being loved. I want to let go of 22 years of baggage from living with people whose love was conditional. I've lived just about a year in a home of truly unconditional love. I want to be reprogrammed already. I want a renewed mind and a clean heart and a right spirit... Yet here I am, still struggling with the same issues.

Still translating simple love into complicated messages of "you're not enough." And it's all me. I know it's my sin. I recognize it. I acknowledge it. Truly, it eats at me and I loathe it. I ask for grace to be changed. I feel powerless - it seems to be something that only grace will change. How long, O Lord?

Hm. Perhaps that is the psalm of my heart. How long, O Lord, will You forget me? How long will You look the other way and let me stand here broken? Look on me and answer, Father. Please. Bring light to my darkness before I fall. In this, I feel dark. I just don't know how. Am I trying too hard? Am I not relying on You? Am I not trusting? Grace my heart to be able to pray sincerely, "But I trust in Your unfailing love. You have been good and You will be good to me. In this as in all else in my life til now." You have been good. I know it. I know Your love is unfailing and unconditional. I know I'm not good enough, and that You love me anyway. I know I'm not enough and Wendy loves me anyway. I know it, yet I doubt it every day. Help my unbelief.

Because now there is this man in my life, wanting to grow to love me, and I am at a place of not being able to truly let him. So then what? As strong as he is, that's too much to ask of him. I'm too broken. Heal me, Father. I want to joyfully receive his love and be able to fully give of myself - without insecurity and fear and doubting.

Lead me in Your truth and teach me. Pour out Your grace upon me. Transform me, God. Change my heart, O God. Make it new. Wash me in the Blood and give me Life, that I may live free from these chains. I ask in faith, in the name of Jesus. Hear my heart and answer, I pray. Amen.