Unconditional Love. I don't get it.

I thought I did. And in my mind, I do. But when it comes to living it out every day, I still don't get it. Or, I still can't accept it. I want to. I want to understand and enjoy being loved. I want to let go of 22 years of baggage from living with people whose love was conditional. I've lived just about a year in a home of truly unconditional love. I want to be reprogrammed already. I want a renewed mind and a clean heart and a right spirit... Yet here I am, still struggling with the same issues.

Still translating simple love into complicated messages of "you're not enough." And it's all me. I know it's my sin. I recognize it. I acknowledge it. Truly, it eats at me and I loathe it. I ask for grace to be changed. I feel powerless - it seems to be something that only grace will change. How long, O Lord?

Hm. Perhaps that is the psalm of my heart. How long, O Lord, will You forget me? How long will You look the other way and let me stand here broken? Look on me and answer, Father. Please. Bring light to my darkness before I fall. In this, I feel dark. I just don't know how. Am I trying too hard? Am I not relying on You? Am I not trusting? Grace my heart to be able to pray sincerely, "But I trust in Your unfailing love. You have been good and You will be good to me. In this as in all else in my life til now." You have been good. I know it. I know Your love is unfailing and unconditional. I know I'm not good enough, and that You love me anyway. I know I'm not enough and Wendy loves me anyway. I know it, yet I doubt it every day. Help my unbelief.

Because now there is this man in my life, wanting to grow to love me, and I am at a place of not being able to truly let him. So then what? As strong as he is, that's too much to ask of him. I'm too broken. Heal me, Father. I want to joyfully receive his love and be able to fully give of myself - without insecurity and fear and doubting.

Lead me in Your truth and teach me. Pour out Your grace upon me. Transform me, God. Change my heart, O God. Make it new. Wash me in the Blood and give me Life, that I may live free from these chains. I ask in faith, in the name of Jesus. Hear my heart and answer, I pray. Amen.