Beginning to delight in being delightful

currently listening: a CD a deli customer gave me when I asked what he was listening to (I had to keep repeating myself because he was ordering meat with ear plugs in :) ). He frowned as he tried to think of how to describe it, then said, "You wouldn't understand..." I asked further questions, and he said, "Well, you know what? How 'bout this..." and he took the cd out of his player and put it on the countertop. "Cool! Thanks, man!" I thought that was so awesome - I love sharing things like that. I have something neat; here, you experience it. It's techno/electronica... brings to mind the chase scenes in futuristic action movies like "The Bourne Identity" or that Tom Cruise movie where they foresaw crimes and then arrested the assaulter before the crime was committed. I bet Blue Man Group uses music like this.

Some breakthroughs this week: #1. Tuesday night Wayne came to visit me at the deli, and as we hugged he said, "How's the 'light of my life' today?" and I just paused and said, "huh.... I'm good!"(I know, "well" is grammatically proper. :) ) That struck to my core - to be so loved! It is amazing - the instant connection that Wayne's love is to my God's love for me. I'm not a constant disappointment to Him; I'm a delight! Again, another box I've put God in revealed... I am glad to shatter that one. He is not like my earthly father in the way he sees me. He does see beauty and delight and a daughter to be cherished. Wayne's love for me is a reflection of His, and it is so powerful.

#2. This breakthrough came through a letter of Jim Elliot's excerpted in "Shadow of the Almighty." I have been talking to Wendy a lot about being intimidated and not knowing how to share myself with people. And of always feeling like I'm not doing enough; I'm not saying the right things, etc. It's only in certain situations and with certain "types" of people, but it has been hindering. We've been working through figuring out where the insecurity is and how to overcome. And I read this:

"One of my renaissance experiences was to get among kids who were on a different spiritual level than my own, and enjoy fellowship with them. I found a very subtle snare in so doing. I sought their fellowship in order that I might minister to them, 'be a help,' you know, to these 'weaker' ones. What a rebuke came when I sensed my real motive - that I might minister. Love hacks right at this, for she refused to parade herself. I learned to recognize no 'spiritual planes,' but simply to love, purely, in every group. Trying to 'be a help' even has a smell of good works in it, for it is not pure. Our motive is only to be - do nothing, know nothing, act nothing - just to be a sinful bit of flesh, born of a Father's love. Then you see, Beloved, there can be no defeat.

'If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same...'

So whether knowledge tends to swell me up, or the despair of the flesh would make me shrivel up, the love of Christ 'holds me together.' Any little occasion then has meaning, if only I can love while it lasts." (from Shadow of the Almighty, Elisabeth Elliot)

The people I have sought to 'be a help' to are not other believers, rather the unbelievers at work and in my family. Where I've tried so hard to know what to say to them and to figure out what exactly they need from me in order to best see Christ in me. Ha! So misguided I have been! I need only to be, to love! To be a present lump of sinful dust... and love. It is so simple; I finally get it! There is nothing to be afraid of; I have only to be myself! I am enough because Christ is in me.

Breakthrough #3. Taking steps toward loving who "myself" is, and living my life as myself; recognizing what brings me 'alive' - what makes my soul glad. I have lived so "spiritualized"... I've been missing out on the joy of just being the human I am. God has designed and is in and delights in the holistic persons we are, not just our spirituality. I've known that, but I haven't KNOWN that. I get for the first time why every part of our lives are worshipful - because if we're living as He designed us to, we're glorifying Him in His creation; we're enjoying the way He made us and praising Him for it.

Thank You, God, for designing me as You did. Thank You for creating me to love You and love Your Word (a creation that continues every day); thank You for languages and giving me the ability to learn them and enjoy accents and interpreting and trying to understand other perspectives; thank you for dancing! thank You for ballet classes and making me glad in dancing; thank You for a love of music and musicians whose hearts are for Christ; thank You for the joy in listening and singing;

Thank You for the beauty in this world - thank You for eyes that see it and are glad in it! Thank You for giving me a heart that loves the sky and sunsets, artwork in all its forms; thank You for the beauty of faces and hearts; Thank You for giving me a love of creating! Thank You for words and making me a writer.

Thank You for friends and thoughtfulness; You created me to love finding little gifts that suit perfectly - there is so much joy in that. Thank You for making me affectionate. Thank You for giving me a heart that recognizes and appreciates sincerity; thank You for the joy in faithfully authentic brothers and sisters.

And thank You for making me one who loves home; thank You for restoring to me a love of being loved. I pray this only grows and deepens and transforms me. Thank You for making me to love kids. I don't know how I could live without them. Thank You for creating me to enjoy laughter; thank You for the smile in little things - I see Your fingerprints on little notes to make me smile every day. There is much to this person You created and named Your own. Father, caress my heart to love myself and to gladly offer all that I am in loving everyone.

In Christ alone, AMEN.

September closes...

Autumn is arriving in New Hampshire. Yesterday I rode up through the White Mountains area with a friend, and even with the gray skies, the view was beautiful. Trees up there are turning; probably will peak within the next couple of weeks. Down here a few have decided to put on their season's best, but most remain green. October is more the month of foliage for us southerners.

It has always been my favorite time of year, the Fall... sunny days when the air is crisp, but not chilling, and a sweater will suffice for warmth. Small gourds and picking apples... stuffing dried leaves into small clothes to make pumpkin girls and boys... raking huge piles off the lawn and watching my little cousins throw them up in the air and dive in the midst -- playing with them! ... bon fires on chilly nights ... baking apples and potatoes and corn... When I was younger, my birthday promised a gathering of family and playing hide and seek at dusk; lasagna and carrot cake with cream cheese frosting (Mom made my favorites).

Last autumn brought visits from two dear friends faraway. Yes, it does seem like much longer ago. As my birthday comes this time 'round, I indeed do feel a year older. Much has changed.

Here's to enjoying this moment's grace: I raise my glass of spiced cider...

Hannah is singing and playing her guitar - a voice of Beauty resonating. I love just listening. My brother used to play and sing when we were younger, his voice deep and striking to the core. Hannah's is cutting just the same; true and thick and strong, rising in the listener a passion equal to her own.

I will call upon You, Lord,
For You will answer me.
Give ear to me and hear my prayer.
Keep me as the apple of Your eye,
Hide me in the shadow of Your wing...

Blessed be Your name...
You give and take away, You give and take away;
My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name.

I dream of a day when my brother sings these words that Hannah sings now.

I want to see the world, friend. I want to dream in another language and dance upon the shores of an entirely different ocean. I want to be changed by lives whose stories I couldn't make up in my most creative imaginings.

Look in my eyes. Do you see strength there? Do you see fire? My insides rage with the intermingling of passion and gentleness... the restrained intensity of a waiting desire. O, I long for it. I long for adventure and understanding and a glimpse at Beauty as it exists across this globe in faces and tastes and traditions and creation - in movement and music and art - in men and women and children - in masculinity and femininity - in gardens and wildlife and dreams. I want to learn what it is to be God's woman across this globe: what differs and what is unchanging. Imagine living in a village long enough to be at home there - to be accepted and recognized as one of them, though different. To have neighbors come to rely on you as you have relied on them, and to see them come to a reliance upon the LORD God. Imagine!

Imagine.

I acidentally met my dad's girlfriend yesterday, and she is so nice I almost couldn't believe it. Except that she was very real - not an artificial niceness. Just genuinely sweet. I had gone by my dad's house to leave some cookies and check for any mail, and as I opened the door (assuming Dad and Heath were both at work) I heard, "Hello" - a woman's voice welcoming me, though she was surprised to see it was me she welcomed, having expected my father. I stepped into the kitchen and saw Barb at the stove stirring a pot of soup. She is tall, like my dad. She wore fitted pants tucked in at the bottom to feminine cowboy boots with a pretty sweater and silver jewelry - she is stylish in an entirely different way than my mother. Her smile is warm and sincere.

We chatted for a few minutes - my dad was outside still. I knew they had returned the day before from a trip to South Carolina where Dad met her family for the first time. They were on their way up north for the weekend to go to a fair, staying at a cabin where they had agreed to split and stack wood in exchange for housing. Interesting. So she doesn't mind working hard. My dad was actually home for a lunch break (she was on her lunch break from work, also), and was taking off another weekend. Is this a permanent change, I wonder? Has he finally realized that beloveds must be a priority?

My brother doesn't like her. But then, he doesn't usually like anyone. Except we both like Mom's boyfriend - or what she has said about him. Neither of us have spent any significant time with him. But he is authentic, as well, and effective in confronting things that when anyone else has confronted her she has just lashed out. But she takes Rich's correction to heart and is genuinely changing for the better.

I never would have thought I'd see my parents with other halves and be ok with it, let alone encouraged by the relationships. Life isn't ideal. But I see that it is good. God's orchestration humbles me again and again as He continuously unveils beautiful goodness where I could only predict rubble.

I am learning to expect to see this in my own journey, in my own relationships and path-steps. I so want Him to unveil beautiful goodness with every onward venture. I see it in my friends' lives. I know He is doing this in my life, too - are my eyes not open? or is it just an inbetween-stones moment... still waiting to see where the next one will be placed and what goodness I will find when it is there and I am standing on it? There is goodness here in this in-between, as well. My Lord is here! There is excitement here, and wonder. There is joy all around me that I am so thankful to be part of.

It's just strange... I am close to God - we are in communion with each other. I simply live with as awareness of Him, and enjoy His presence; enjoy sharing my thoughts and singing for Him and asking Him questions... Why the -- I don't know how to describe it. I so often ask God to be enough for me. Why does it feel like He isn't? Not that He is incomplete or lacking in any way - that's not what I mean. There is just always remaining this nagging feeling that there's something more waiting... but I don't know what it is. I don't want to seek trial fillers to figure it out - I know they would fail and the whole process be distracting. Why can I be right with God, live with wonderful family, have girlfriends and guy friends - nearby even! - see my family coming closer to being right with God and actually enjoying each other's company, ... and still feel like something's just missing?

oy. prayer needed and appreciated.